You bake, customers binge, Elon wins.
Bake Sale for Elon Musk
By Polly Positive, Head Cheerleader
Elon’s recent nosedive into second-richest in the world had us all shell-shocked for a bit, but now we’ve recovered. A good old-fashioned bake sale will set things right. As you know, the love of money is the root of all happiness.
We’ll time our sale to hit the last-minute Christmas shopping panic. So get off your duff and make something already!
Popular bake sale goodies
Rice Krispies treats …a perennial favorite with zero nutritional content. Some people will eat anything.
Cookies, cupcakes, brownies & donuts …Please bag them in snack-size portions. For our typical customer, that would be a couple dozen.
Muffins …These masquerade as health food, so “dieters” (ha!) can gorge without guilt. Loaded muffins could include peanut M&Ms, sauerkraut, pepperoni, and raw garlic.
We’ll also have booths for health and beauty items
Bath bombs …lilac, coconut, nitroglycerin and TNT. Blow ‘em out of the water.
Tea towels …the uglier the better. Most customers have really poor taste. You can tell by the way they dress.
Pet products … owners treat their animals better than their kids. Cobble something together (stick toy, tug-of-war rag, catnip mouse), slap on a “handmade” label, and price it at least four times what you’d pay at an outlet store. There’s a sucker born every minute.
Remember, it’s “the most profitable time of the year.” You bake, customers binge, and Elon wins. Let’s return Elon to his richest man pedestal and his best Christmas ever!
All I want for Christmas is my own private island: Elon Musk’s wish list
First off, people, I won’t lie to you. Peace on earth ain’t gonna happen, no matter who puts it on their gift list. Likewise, I won’t bother saying All I want for Christmas is you. I don’t want 99% of you, because you’re boring.
And now for the things I do want.
My own private island, surrounded by my own private ocean covering as many nautical miles as possible. The island should have a source of potable water and excellent wi-fi reception.
Speaking of oceans, you’ve heard that Twitter is financially underwater. Bankruptcy isn’t out of the question. Neither are mass layoffs. OK, so Twitter has only six employees now, and that’s not much of a mass. But I’m already bored with Twitter and moving on to The Next Big Thing.
So I’ve set up my own GoFundMe campaign: Elon’s Twitter Tsunami.
And why does the richest man in history need your money? Precisely because I’m super mega outrageously rich and have to keep the momentum going. With $44 billion locked up in Twitter, where can I get my speculation bucks? By looking for spare change lodged between the sofa cushions?
So GoFundMe already. Maybe my Next Big Thing will change your life. Or at least change mine.
Finally, some really cheap gifts for me if you’re on a tight budget: mittens, hooded parka, snow boots, and thermal underwear (“long johns”). I’ll need these while exploring that Next Big Thing. Can’t go into more detail, since negotiations are still ongoing. Let’s just say I want to own a place that’s blindingly white, extremely cold, and really really REALLY far south.
Nov. 27, 2022
Our fearless leader’s speech to all remaining Twitter employees
Since I took over the top job, it’s been a wild few weeks. You’ve watched thousands of your co-workers come and go…well, watched them go, anyway.
I made it clear that being part of this team requires working long hours at high intensity. All six of you stepped forward. Thank you for that.
Now we’ve flown beyond the turbulence. Off we go into the wild Twitter yonder!
Oh, by the way: “verified accounts” are set to launch again. If there’s no blue checkmark by your name, clean out your cubicle and leave.
Let’s say you were the first one on the block to buy a Tesla. So cool! But now all your neighbors own at least one Tesla, right? Not so cool.
Get back on the leading edge with our new ride-hailing service, ChopperX. It’s like Uber, but with helicopters.
Here’s what I’d do if I were you:
--Hover over your friends’ mansions to say hello.
--Cruise to your favorite local coffeehouse and buy them out.
--Buzz around the city tax assessor’s office to remind them who’s boss.
Use the ChopperX app to summon a ride faster than you can say “Apocalypse Now.” And don’t forget to buy a few shares of ChopperX stock while you’re at it. Chop-chop!
Yours in a hurry (always),
>>transcription of voicemail
November 14, 2022
To: All Twitter C-Suite Executives
From: [name and title redacted]
Our Bring Your Pet to Work Day at headquarters did not go well. We had no clue about the new owner’s musk ox. It charged out of the freight elevator, bashed into the boardroom, and relieved itself on the antique oriental carpet.
Remind your subordinates that we need to run a tight ship. The optics outside the building were disastrous. Disastrous. Ninth-floor employees evacuating, men in white hazmat suits rushing in.
Bystanders captured it all on cellphones. Even the janitor’s remark: “I don’t know what they fed that buffalo, but it sure don’t smell like ice cream.” Worst of all, the video clips went viral ON OUR OWN PLATFORM!!
Get your [redacted] together, people!!!
By Summer Dotto, SpaceX Chief Chef
Every Thanksgiving, stressed-out people bug me with millions of questions. How long should I boil the turkey? How to politely tell Aunt Hilda that her squash casserole is revolting? Can I skip the sweet potatoes and just make a big dish of marshmallow topping? The baked turkey slid off the platter onto the floor – does the three-second rule apply?
Well, this year you can relax – and stop bugging me – because SpaceX Nutrition is proud to announce Pouch Cuisine®. This product line, previously exclusive to astronauts in zero gravity, is now available to consumers around the world (and on the Moon)!
You needn’t float around a space cabin to appreciate Pouch Cuisine®. Whether rushing the kiddies home from soccer practice, hosting a candlelight dinner party, or setting a Norman Rockwell-worthy family spread, you can trust our pouches for the ultimate in quick, tasty, somewhat nutritious dining.
Here are some special dishes your Thanksgiving guests will love:
Turkey Gel, either light or dark
Pulverized Potatoes and Gravy
Green Bean Casserole Pudding with French fried onion-flavored crystals
Cranberry Jelly (wihout cranberry skins – space toilets can’t handle fiber)
Pumpkin Pie Puree
Mmmm, my mouth is watering already. Have a smooooth Thanksgiving, everyone!
Q. Last week, after selling our children and pets, we moved into our new 20,000-square-foot dream house: white walls, white artwork, white furniture, and white wall-to-wall carpeting. But at our housewarming party yesterday, someone spilled red wine on the carpet. I’m devastated. Is there any way to remove this atrocious red wine stain?
A. You’ve probably heard all the usual solutions. Rubbing the stain with Danish pastry. Covering the stain with gourmet fleur de sel sea salt until it dries, then running a shop vac over it. Pouring a pitcher of boiling water on it and watching the stain metamorphize over the entire carpet.
Spare yourself these hassles. Want to get that stain out of your life once and for all? Sell the house and buy another! You’re an Elon Muskletter subscriber, so you can afford it, right? And you’ll have a great story to tell at your next housewarming!
P.S. Would you mind telling us how much you got for your children and pets?
You know those hideous Christmas sweaters people wear as a joke? Yesterday I saw one with “Noel” on the front, and it hit me – the letters N-O-E-L could be rearranged as E-L-O-N.
So guess what I did? I bought the rights to “Noel”! Not just the sweater idea or the song, but the whole freakin’ word!
Turns out that if you know the right people and have the right bank balance, you can buy adjectives (cheap), verbs (pricier) and nouns (financially out of reach, unless you’re me).
I chose the deluxe package that protects letter rearrangements in all media. So from now on, instead of that boring Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel chorus, get ready for Elon, Elon, Elon, Elon. Has a nice ring to it, eh?
I’d considered waiting until Black Friday to roll this out, but it takes time to manufacture millions of Elon sweaters and ship them on a slow boat from China. So we’re taking preorders now. All proceeds will go to my Elon’s Elves Foundation, providing financial aid to young elves enrolled in STEM studies.