Wisecracks

A smile is just a frown turned upside down. So go stand on your head. 

As a writer, I admire the work ethic of Tom Clancy, who continues to publish new novels even though he's been dead for eight years.

Rumor has it that the next Agent 007 will be a woman. "Bond. Jane Bond."

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. And it's even worse than you feared. 

Back in the day, I had not just one "life coach" but two of them: Mom and Dad. 

I want a Roomba that can clean the toilet. 

Of course you should be a burden to your kids someday. After all, they were a burden to you for 20-plus years. 

People in movies brush their teeth as if they're scraping baked-on grease off the barbecue grill.