>>transcription of voicemail
November 14, 2022
To: All Twitter C-Suite Executives
From: [name and title redacted]
Our Bring Your Pet to Work Day at headquarters did not go well. We had no clue about the new owner’s musk ox. It charged out of the freight elevator, bashed into the boardroom, and relieved itself on the antique oriental carpet.
Remind your subordinates that we need to run a tight ship. The optics outside the building were disastrous. Disastrous. Ninth-floor employees evacuating, men in white hazmat suits rushing in.
Bystanders captured it all on cellphones. Even the janitor’s remark: “I don’t know what they fed that buffalo, but it sure don’t smell like ice cream.” Worst of all, the video clips went viral ON OUR OWN PLATFORM!!
Get your [redacted] together, people!!!