Carsonmania,Spoofbooks
There’s nothing like a fresh coat of paint to make a room look like – well, like it’s just been painted. Most of us have a hate/hate relationship with painting. Well, that’s too bad. As your spouse keeps reminding you, it’s time to paint that room, for crying out loud. Let’s examine tips from the experts and put them in perspective. “You’ll enjoy the job more if you organize supplies before starting.” No, you won’t. But at least you won’t be running out to Walmart for a new brush halfway through the job, leaving paint smears on the front seat of your station wagon. So it’s a good idea to… “Lay out supplies in the middle of the room you’re painting.” Gather the paint, brushes, rollers, six-pack of beer, hammers and screwdrivers (to brandish at pets when they come sniffing around the paint tray), plastic wrap, rags, bones, and paint can opener. Also have on hand a few dropcloths to lay over relatives who can’t be moved. “Don’t try to get it all done in one day.” Duh! ... ** We interrupt this blog for a blatant self-promotion. You'll find the rest of this story (and lots more silliness) in Gimme Shelter: A Spoofbook on Home Decorating. It's available HERE as a Kindle book from Amazon for just 99 cents. Fall is the perfect time to plant spring-blooming flowers. The more work and worry you put in now, the greater your disappointment come spring – so get going! 1. Visit your local garden center. Beautiful full-color photos on the packages will entice you to buy enough tulip and narcissus bulbs to carpet the entire state of Michigan. 2. Find a spot to plant your new bulbs. Start digging the six-inch-deep holes as recommended on the package. Realize your lawn contains an incredible maze of rocks and tree roots. Keep digging test holes until you find a spot that’s not impossible to excavate. Spend the next six hours planting bulbs. 3. Sometime between March and May, depending on your climate, look out the window to watch the deer eat your beautiful “deer resistant” blooms. The Refs Are Back
(Tune: “My Boyfriend’s Back”) The refs are back for Thursday night football Hey la, hey la, the refs are back We all sure missed ’em when they were AWOL Hey la, hey la, the refs are back The substitutes needed stronger eyeglasses Hey la, hey la, the refs are back Coulda pulled their heads from outta their asses Hey la, hey la, the refs are back Hey, we suffered through those slackers They stole victory from the Packers We’re not asking refs for perfection Hey la, hey la, the refs are back But don’t call “touchdown” when it’s an interception Hey la, hey la, the refs are back The lingerie league is where the subs belong Hey la, hey la, the refs are back Fans watching boobs don’t care if calls are wrong Hey la, hey la, the refs are back How many flagrant penalties were missed Ah-oooh Ah-ooo NFL nation was getting mighty pissed Ah-oooh…see ’em Tweet The refs are back for Thursday night football Hey la, hey la, the refs are back Hey, the refs are back Well, all right now, the refs are back Do the wave ’cause the refs are back Lambeau leap now, the refs are back… A new online tool called the Tooth Fairy calculator provides guidelines on how much money your kid should find under the pillow, based on family location, parents’ age and other factors. However, it cannot guard against the increasing incidence of Tooth Fairy fraud. Your kid may be gaming the Tooth Fairy if you find: --one or more teeth under the pillow each night for six weeks in a row --teeth from dogs, cats, horses or pigs --“teeth” made of candy corn dipped in white chocolate --white plastic pieces from a board game your family played last weekend --Granny’s dentures "Tastes like chicken!" About 16% of gold-medal winners cried during the Olympic award ceremony, according to a Wall Street Journal survey of the 2012 London games. Another 16% either kissed or bit their medal. We asked Carsonmaniacs: what would you do on the podium? 46% Sneer at the silver and bronze medal winners 38% Sing Stevie Wonder’s “nah nah nah nah, hey hey hey, goodbye” 27% Practice posing for the Wheaties box 15% Text my agent to compare endorsement offers Note: total exceeds 100% due to rounding errors and polltakers’ inattentiveness You know your picnic guests are going to put up a faux protest about the fatty meats at your summer barbecue – even though they’re scarfing them down like there’s no tomorrow. You can already hear it: “Oh, I really shouldn’t (chomp, chomp). I need to lose weight (gulp).” This year, call their bluff by holding a barbecue relay. Anyone who wants a meal is required to participate. Explain that the relay works off at least some of the calories they’re about to consume. Set up rows of barbecue tools about 100 yards apart, or 100 meters if you’re in Canada, eh. Place the pointy sides up. Don’t skewer uncooked meat unless your guests are really into the raw foods thing – and be sure to get a signed waiver from those wackos in case they develop parasites. Line up several guests at a time. When you blow a whistle, they must sprint/run/waddle to the opposite set of tools, grab whatever meat they want, and return to their starting tool line. Only the first, second and third finishers get to keep their entree. Others must wait until a later heat to try again. Serve your salads and pasta dishes in the same manner. By then, everyone will be so tired you can probably get by with half the usual amount of food. It's almost August, so get your rear in gear and have some summer fun before it's too late. 1. Bike in the nude. Then stop for lunch at an outdoor café, and lean your bike against an adjacent table. 2. Parasail nude. You can gross out hundreds of beachgoers at once. 3. Hang up clothes to dry on your backyard clothesline while not wearing any yourself. Your neighbors will be amused by the irony. 4. Go horseback riding, a la Lady Godiva. 5. Streak through the park during your community’s July 4th picnic. This activity also provides your daily dose of cardio. 6. Try one of those carnival rides that hang riders upside down. Being nude enhances the experience tenfold. Q. I love miniature donkeys! Trouble is, my snooty homeowners’ association won’t allow livestock, fences or outbuildings. I’m considering using our little back yard as a pasture. Tall shrubbery around the lot line would keep the donkey from wandering and hide him from prying eyes. Then at night we’d lead him through the walkout door into the basement, where he’d have a little stall lined with fresh hay bought in one-pound bales from PetSmart. Do you think this would work? A. No. "You're gonna EAT this?!" First there were smartchips, embedded microprocessors that provide data storage and authentication. Now, brace yourself for a wave of new products outfitted with the next-generation technology, smartass chips. Products in the works include: --A hand vacuum that senses dirt conditions where you’re cleaning and blares a prerecorded message such as “Hey! You missed that spiderweb in the corner.” --A kitchen blender that evaluates ingredients being fed into its container. Its digital readout then displays either a thumbs-up symbol or the message “You shoulda had a V-8.” --A hamper that detects dirty laundry discarded on the floor within a 10-foot radius. The hamper sends out a vacuum tube, picks up the object (a wet towel, for instance) and whacks the person who dropped it. --A dishwasher that performs a similar operation with dirty dishes, with an optional “pause” function allowing your dogs to lick them before they’re loaded. Reuters News Service (London) – Buckingham Palace announced today that Queen Elizabeth II will carry the torch into Olympic Stadium and light the flame that burns throughout the 2012 games. “She may be 86,” said a palace spokesman, “but she showed so much vim and vigor during her diamond jubilee that the Olympic Committee decided, ‘Oh, bloody hell, why not let the old gal have a go at it?’ ” A Pakistani shopkeeper carrying the torch to the stadium tunnel entrance will pass it to entertainer Elton John. Mr. John will carry the torch into the stadium, pass it to the queen, and give her a big smooch on the cheek. The queen will then circle the 400-meter track, dodging droppings from live farm animals participating in the opening extravaganza. Finally, she will throw the torch, javelin-style, up to the huge gas-fired flame at the stadium’s rim. |
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