Carsonmania,Spoofbooks
Too many cooks spoil the dump. Attend a chili dump Yes, I know “dump” means everyone dumps their favorite homemade chili into a common pot, but that doesn’t make it any more appetizing. Go skydiving Why do you think the plane’s wing is stamped “not a step”? Visit India If I wanted to experience foodborne illness and foreign languages amid extreme poverty, I’d revisit Appalachia. NOW AVAILABLE! Anesthesia Peel meets Crispin BenGay, a filthy rich and incredibly hunkalicious entrepreneur, during an interview for her beauty-school newspaper. BenGay is mysteriously attracted to Ana, a social zero who’s never even used email. He makes her his submissive, to have, to hold and to hurt. Fifty Shades of BenGay puts a whole new spin on the bestselling romance novel with a soft-porn filling: That ridiculous contract “Hard limits: No acts involving clowns or mimes.” Laughable lovemaking “His mouth finds mine, which isn’t hard, considering how big my mouth is.” Ana’s multiple personalities “My inner goddess is picking her nose.” Those ludicrous emails “Crispin: About our ‘deal’: thanks, but no thanks. P.S. Can I keep the laptop?” This book is intended for immature adults. It contains explicit scenes of a physically impossible nature. At just $2.99 from Amazon.com, it’s way cheaper (and much less nauseating) than the original. Click here to visit the book's sales page at Amazon without losing your place in Carsonmania.com. It’s too bad the Treasury Department and the Federal Reserve just nixed the idea of minting a $1 trillion coin to solve the debt-limit crisis. (Yes, we’re not making this up.) Just think of all the ways you could use this coin: Stick it in a parking meter before a really loooong night out with no worries about time expiring before you return to your car. Place it in a Salvation Army bell-ringer’s pot at Christmas and make the evening news. Keep it in your pocket as “mad money” in case of a sudden whim to take a 30-year round-the-world tour. (Just remember to remove the coin from your pocket before dropping off your pants at the dry cleaners.) Buy at least 10 billion cans of soda at a vending machine. Find a pay phone somewhere, and make a long-distance call to Mars. Greeks mark the New Year by baking a sweet bread, vasilopita, with a coin inside. The piece with the hidden coin is believed to bring good luck to the dentist of the person who bites into it. Many Danish people celebrate New Year’s Eve by throwing dishes at their friends’ doors. The U.S. has a similar tradition involving beer bottles and double-wides. Japanese revelers eat soba (buckwheat noodles) at midnight, since long noodles symbolize long life. Expert soba-sensei chefs have been known to cobble together 1,000-meter noodles using hot wax or Krazy Glue. In Scotland, neighbors go “first footing” door to door. Tradition says that if the first visitor to cross your threshold is tall, dark, and handsome, the year will be prosperous. If he’s fat enough to break the doorframe, the year will be drafty. In the Philippines, jumping high at the stroke of midnight is believed to cause a growth spurt. This superstition explains why Filipinos are gimpy. A German tradition involves dropping molten lead into cold water, then predicting the year ahead from the shape it makes. A heart or ring shape means a wedding, a shoe means a journey, and a turd shape means the year will be shitty. Sicilians believe that eating lasagna on New Year’s Day brings good luck, while receiving a fish wrapped in newspaper means your button man is dead. A cat could help you break these. --If you’re a solo entrepreneur, hold a one-person office party. You’re guaranteed to win the door prize. No one will object if you sit on the copier to photocopy your butt. And you might also enjoy conducting a secret Santa gift exchange, although the “secret” part only works if you have dementia. --Watch a DVD of “The Bishop’s Wife.” It touches all the traditional Christmas themes: workaholic spouse, marriage doldrums, and angels flirting with mortals. This classic is guaranteed to produce laughs, most of them unintentional. --Adopt a cat so you won’t have to knock over the Christmas tree all by yourself. --Dig that old Mr. Microphone set out of the closet. Drive around town looking for somebody who’s out for a walk. Lower your car window and announce: “Hey, beautiful, I’ll be back to pick you up later!” --On Christmas Eve, set out shots of slivovitz and slices of beer salami for Santa Claus. If he doesn’t finish them off, enjoy them yourself. The Airline Christmas Song (Tune: "Mele Kalikimaka" -- "Merry Christmas" in Hawaiian) "Every flight is cancelled" is the thing they say When you're flying home for Christmas day You can dream of reindeer as you try to sleep On a chair in Concourse A Santa Claus will find you here on Christmas night He's bringing you a voucher for another flight Stranding you on Christmas is the airlines' way To say "crappy Christmas" to you The Vatican just announced that Pope Benedict XVI has a personal Twitter account. Here’s a sneak peek at his upcoming tweets. Holy Toledo! Only 16 days until Christmas, and I still need to buy presents for 634 cardinals. Wanted to create world peace today, but had 2 many meetings and never got around 2 it. Should have jumped into Twitter before all the good handles were taken. @pontifex sounds like laundry detergent. Yesterday’s tweet mis-translated “faithful” as “get lost” in Swahili. Lost 4 million Kenyan followers in one day. Bummer. Hey, @lindsaylohan, how come you never followed me back? How to wear the new sturdy knit fashion leggings? On your legs. Seriously, if you wear them on your head, they look ridiculous. Every room needs a focal point to draw the eye and distract it from the vomit stain on the sofa. To identify your room’s focal point, look around. What’s the biggest feature? It might be a fireplace, a picture window, or Dad lying in the recliner. There’s your focal point. Or see if the room holds something that’s interesting to look at (an ant farm), texturally appealing (antique barbed-wire fence), highly colorful (sunburned family members), or unexpected (a toilet in the music room). Some homeowners with cultural pretensions will purchase a grand piano and plunk it down in the middle of the living room. However, when guests ask “Who’s the piano player in your family?” and the hosts sheepishly answer “Nobody,” their focal-point bluff has been called. It’s much better to set out a tuba or an accordion as your focal point. Rest assured, no guests will ask to hear a musical number. Shameless self-promotion Many more completely pointless decorating tips appear in Gimme Shelter: A Spoofbook on Home Decorating. At just 99 cents in Kindle format, it's way cheaper and easier than hiring a snooty decorator. Find it HERE. There’s nothing like a fresh coat of paint to make a room look like – well, like it’s just been painted. Most of us have a hate/hate relationship with painting. Well, that’s too bad. As your spouse keeps reminding you, it’s time to paint that room, for crying out loud. Let’s examine tips from the experts and put them in perspective. “You’ll enjoy the job more if you organize supplies before starting.” No, you won’t. But at least you won’t be running out to Walmart for a new brush halfway through the job, leaving paint smears on the front seat of your station wagon. So it’s a good idea to… “Lay out supplies in the middle of the room you’re painting.” Gather the paint, brushes, rollers, six-pack of beer, hammers and screwdrivers (to brandish at pets when they come sniffing around the paint tray), plastic wrap, rags, bones, and paint can opener. Also have on hand a few dropcloths to lay over relatives who can’t be moved. “Don’t try to get it all done in one day.” Duh! ... ** We interrupt this blog for a blatant self-promotion. You'll find the rest of this story (and lots more silliness) in Gimme Shelter: A Spoofbook on Home Decorating. It's available HERE as a Kindle book from Amazon for just 99 cents. |
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