Quality AV components? Check. Customized furniture? Check. Light-blocking drapes? Check.
And now for the finishing touches to recreate the authentic theatergoing experience:
--Spill soft drinks on the floor and let them dry to a sticky residue.
--Record the broadcast of an annoying pop radio station, and play it prior to the “feature presentation,” accompanied by dimly lit ads for local businesses.
--Ask your spouse to sell you a carton of stale popcorn for $8.50.
--Just before the feature, run a dozen onscreen reminders to “silence cellphones.”
--Set a batch of cellphones to ring at critical points in the film – say, during a love scene or right before the hero saves the world. Scatter them around the room.
--Invite some attention-deficit-disordered neighbor kids to sit behind you, where they’ll whine, argue, and kick the back of your chair.
--Invite their dimwitted parents to sit next to you and blab about the movie: “What did he say?” “Hey, that guy looks like John Travolta.” “This movie sucks.”
--Set your air conditioner to 46 degrees, and make sure the fan blows directly down your neck. Enjoyed this story? It's from
Gimme Shelter: A Spoofbook on Home Decorating -- available free today at Amazon.com. And even if you missed the free promo day, the book costs only 99 cents. Click here for the Amazon sales page.
So you're the old-fashioned type who likes to curl up in front of a fireplace with your personal computer? I've got you covered.
All of my ebooks are now available as downloadable Adobe PDFs as well. So there's no need to deal with all that newfangled ebook technology! Simply purchase and download any or all of the PDFs and pore over them until you need reading glasses, just like Grandma and Grandpa.
For details, visit my Shop page and scroll down to the last heading, "And still more ridiculous stuff."
My love is like a red, red corn dog.
1. Each week, set aside one night for a romantic date, preferably with each other.
2. Enact your secret bedroom fantasies. You’re Howdy Doodie, she’s Lamb Chop. You’re Eva Braun, he’s Adolph Hitler. You’re both Brangelina. Whatever floats your boat.
3. Try a new activity together: visit a landfill, for instance, or cook homemade corn dogs in the deep fryer.
4. There’s nothing like a mutual enemy to create a bond, so find something you both detest (highway roundabouts? February?) and spend quality time kvetching about it.
5. Take a picnic. It doesn’t have to be fancy, as long as you bring lots of booze.
6. Enroll in a cool class together. Consider a foreign language like HTML, or maybe something practical like sofa reupholstering.
7. Feed each other with chocolate-dipped fruit. If fresh fruit is beyond your budget, use prunes or dog treats.
As a reader, you probably imagine that writers begin each new book with a grand vision plus a twenty-item list for a killer marketing campaign.
As a writer, I’d have to say: Ha! I wish!
I write parodies. Sometimes they’re on mainstream topics like pets, weddings, or home improvement, and I know exactly where the book is going. But recently I stumbled upon a spoof topic purely by accident.
An email popped up for the Amazon account my husband and I share: “Thank you for your purchase of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ ”
Hmmm…I didn’t download that book. I phoned Hubby at his office. “Did you buy ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’?”
An instant of relief: Our Amazon account wasn’t hacked after all. Then a new worry: Is Hubby secretly hooked on overheated S&M? “Um, hon, do you know what it’s about?”
“No, but it’s been on the bestseller list for a year, so I figured I should check it out.”
A moment of silence. Then: “Ohh-kaaayy. Let me know how you like it.”
As it turned out, Hubby never got beyond chapter 2 of “Fifty Shades.” But guess who started reading it on her Kindle? Yup. And when I reached the part about a contract (“The Submissive will walk five paces behind the Dominant, bow when he faces her, and respond ‘Yes, Anjin-san’ to his commands”) it hit me: This book begs to be spoofed.
And so I did. Spoof it, I mean, in Fifty Shades of BenGay. Which just goes to show you that accidents sometimes have happy endings.
(Tune: “Easter Bonnet”)
In your Easter bonnet
With shearling fur upon it
You’ll be the warmest lady in the Easter parade
Your beauty’s always pleasing
‘Cause when your lips are freezing
Your smile is perma-frozen for the Easter parade
On our snowmobile
We can ride the frozen lake bed
And search for the eggs Easter bunny has laid
You know that Easter’s come now
Though all your toes are numb now
So drive your dog-sled over to the Easter parade
Office Depot and OfficeMax have announced a merger “because nobody could tell us apart anyway,” a spokesman announced Wednesday.
“I can’t tell you how many times people have walked into Office Depot with coupons for OfficeMax, and vice versa,” said the spokesman, who could not recall which chain he worked for. “Despite the fact that our huge red logo uses a different font than their huge red logo, consumers weren’t paying attention.”
Proposed names for the post-merger entity include OfficeSomething, Office McDepot, and Not Staples.
Benedict's favorite stadium-step workout
Nike Inc. has signed Pope Benedict XVI to an endorsement contract effective March 1, the day after he retires from the papacy.
“We needed to counteract all the bad PR from Oscar Pistorius, Lance Armstrong and Suzy Favor Hamilton,” a Nike spokesman said. “Benedict’s athletic prowess is not widely known, but once we launch the ad campaign, many people will be impressed.
“Besides, back in the day, he stirred up lots of interest with his fancy red shoes. That certainly fits our brand paradigm.”
Benedict occasionally plays bocce ball to relax after a long day of papal duties. Coincidentally, the IOC recently introduced bocce ball as an Olympic sport, along with bungee jumping, donkey basketball, mahjongg and tiddlywinks.
Too many cooks spoil the dump.
Attend a chili dump Yes, I know “dump” means everyone dumps their favorite homemade chili into a common pot, but that doesn’t make it any more appetizing.
Go skydiving Why do you think the plane’s wing is stamped “not a step”?
Visit India If I wanted to experience foodborne illness and foreign languages amid extreme poverty, I’d revisit Appalachia.
Anesthesia Peel meets Crispin BenGay, a filthy rich and incredibly hunkalicious entrepreneur, during an interview for her beauty-school newspaper. BenGay is mysteriously attracted to Ana, a social zero who’s never even used email. He makes her his submissive, to have, to hold and to hurt. Fifty Shades of BenGay
puts a whole new spin on the bestselling romance novel with a soft-porn filling: That ridiculous contract
“Hard limits: No acts involving clowns or mimes.” Laughable lovemaking
“His mouth finds mine, which isn’t hard, considering how big my mouth is.” Ana’s multiple personalities
“My inner goddess is picking her nose.” Those ludicrous emails
“Crispin: About our ‘deal’: thanks, but no thanks. P.S. Can I keep the laptop?”
This book is intended for immature adults. It contains explicit scenes of a physically impossible nature.
At just $2.99 from Amazon.com, it’s way cheaper (and much less nauseating) than the original. Click here
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