(Green Lake WI ) -- An underground coal mine that was stolen from eastern Kentucky has been found submerged in Green Lake in south-central Wisconsin, authorities announced today.
The coal mine had been missing since November 18, when miners reporting for work discovered that the mine entrance and cage elevator were gone. A handwritten message nailed to a nearby tree read “The mine is MINE.” Further investigation showed that the main mineshaft and smaller offshoots had also been taken.
According to Green Lake Sheriff George Stickle, the lake’s 237-foot depth makes it an ideal depository for stolen goods. In this case, ice fishermen discovered the mine after netting walleye and perch suffering from black-lung disease.
Wrap your Xmas gifts by Memorial Day.
Experts agree that if you haven’t finished your Christmas/Hanukkah preparations by Thanksgiving, you might as well give up.
Whereas Thanksgiving used to be the official starting gun for year-end holidays, the deadline occurs earlier each year. Currently, Independence Day is the new Thanksgiving.
To get a handle on the winter holidays, follow these guidelines.
February: Buy supplies for handmade ornaments and wreaths. Revise Christmas card list. Order fruitcake.
April: Bake and freeze cookies. Begin buying gifts.
May: Finish last-minute shopping.
June: Make place cards for dinner table. Create gingerbread house.
July: Place holiday ham in oven. Hang stockings on mantle. Take kids to mall to see Santa.
August: Explain to kids why Santa’s not here yet.
September: (See August.)
October: (See August.)
November: (See August.)
December 1-24: (See August.)
(Delafield WI) – Delbert Cameron, age 5½ months, today became the world’s youngest tech billionaire after the initial public offering for his company raised more than $3 billion.
Though it has become commonplace for young entrepreneurs to score big in the tech marketplace before they’re old enough to drive, Cameron’s success stands out, since he is not yet old enough to walk.
Cameron developed his iPhone app, ChangeMe, while still in the womb. ChangeMe allows infants to signal their parents, at varying levels of urgency, when it’s time for a diaper change: “It’s just #1, no hurry,” “It’s #1 and #2, urgent” and “It’s an extremely pungent #2, red alert.”
Delbert Cameron’s parents, Abigail and Clinton Cameron, have placed the IPO money in a college trust fund which Delbert will tap in a few years when he begins attending Harvard.
At least your guests won't linger.
Experts warn that turkey fryers are a major cause of Thanksgiving disasters, second only to careless use of nuclear weapons. This rating doesn’t include the heart attacks brought on by eating deep-fried drumsticks.
Regarding use of turkey fryers, these experts advise: 1. Don’t do it. 2. Don’t do it. 3. Don’t do it. 4. If you absolutely must do it, place the fryer in the middle of a 200-square-yard concrete pad; have the local fire department standing by; wear a full-body fireproof suit; and if the oil starts smoking, get the heck out of there.
Pale turkey? You forgot to turn on the oven.
Never buy a pre-stuffed live turkey.
Frozen turkeys are usually rock-hard, so thumping them like a melon won’t indicate freshness. Instead, make sure the date on the wrapper says 2006 or later.
If you must thaw your turkey in the dishwasher, don’t add soap to the dispenser.
Microwave thawing is safe if you can shove the turkey in there without wrenching your shoulder.
Before stuffing, check inside the cavity of the turkey. You might find giblets (you were supposed to start cooking them two hours ago) or paper wadding that the poultry processor inserted to make the turkey weigh more.
If the turkey still looks pale when you check it six hours later, you forgot to turn on the oven.
Stuffing is extremely vulnerable to spoilage. As soon as the turkey is done, remove stuffing and discard it in an airtight bag marked “Biohazard Waste.”
Q. What’s the recommended cooking time for a 14-pound stuffed turkey?
A. Oh, that just takes forever. First you must prepare the stuffing, and then you cook the whole thing for hours, basting all the while. It’s hardly worth the trouble. Why not serve something different this year, like pork chops?
Q. Can you recommend a wine that goes well with turkey?
A. I love some of the cabernet sauvignons from the Napa Valley, but they’re much too full-flavored for turkey, so serve them with grilled steak this Thanksgiving.
Q. What’s the easiest way to carve a turkey?
A. Carving is such a chore. Your guests are famished, the kids are
whining, and you’re sawing away while all the other food gets cold. Save yourself lots of trouble by serving oyster bisque. There’s absolutely no carving involved.
Q. Which is healthier, the white meat or the dark meat?
A. Contrary to what you may have heard, the healthiest main dish would be Polish kielbasa sausage with sauerkraut. Yum!
In November. . .
. . . no matter how poorly your favorite NFL team is doing, there’s still a theoretical chance of making the playoffs.
. . . you don’t have to slather on sunscreen whenever you go out.
. . . you can finally put away the lawn mower (unless you live in Florida, in which case you should skip the rest of this article).
. . . you no longer need to spend your lunch hour watering the outdoor plants, because they’re all dead.
November offers. . .
. . . thirty variations of gray in the daytime sky.
. . . midterm exams, and a chance to determine whether $20,000 tuition has been worth it.
. . . a good test of your new SAD full-spectrum light box.
November. . .
. . . makes all the other months (except February) look good.
November is . . .
. . only 30 days long, not 31.
Traditional TP tree, Estonia
In Austria, people leave kringle pastries on the counter overnight “for the spirits.” Then they sneak into neighboring houses to eat each others’ kringle. In the morning, if all your kringle is gone, it proves you’re really popular.
In Great Britain, Halloween is called Mischief Night. Children steal doors off hinges and carry them away. Once they stole the Tower of London and threw it in the pond behind the Queen’s country home in Sandringham.
Many people in Hong Kong believe ancestral spirits roam the world on this day. To appease the spirits, they burn paper money. Their spouses frantically try to put out the flames.
Young trick-or-treaters in Canada are given six-packs of Molson’s.
Ghosts from rival families in Sicily appear overnight and attempt to murder each other – again.
People in Mexico fire pistols into the air and try to be somewhere else when the bullets land.
Q. What kind of fun new candy is available this year to give trick-or-treaters?
A. Candy? Those spoiled brats don’t deserve candy. When I was young and we went door to door, people gave us rocks. Rocks! They weren’t chocolate-covered rocks, either. You were lucky if they had a little dirt or mud on them. Go out in the yard and collect rocks. Don’t buy store candy. It’s a ripoff.
Q. Can you suggest some cute costumes I could sew for my preschoolers?
A. You don’t need to sew anything. Make them wear dirty old clothes, and then get a piece of coal and blacken their faces. They can go as coal miners.
Q. Do you have the recipe for those gelatin “eyeballs” to float in a punchbowl at my party?
A. Don’t fart around with recipes. Go to the butcher shop and ask the butcher for a bunch of fish heads. You’ll get more eyeballs than you can shake a stick at. They won’t cost you anything, either.
Q. What should I teach my kids about pumpkin-carving safety?
A. Safety, schmafety. Give ’em a big carving knife and let ’em figure it out for themselves.
"Hey, kids, want some candy?"
--Instead of candy, give out healthy snacks like apples, whole walnuts, small boxes of raisins, single-serve cereals, and baby carrots.
--Dress like Sesame Street’s Big Bird. Make kids count “1-2-3” out loud as you hand them treats. Within minutes, you’ll notice kids crossing the street to avoid your place.
--Use a fog machine to obscure your house from the road.
--Make children sing a cute song to earn their treat – for instance, the aria “O mio babbino caro” from Puccini’s opera Gianni Schicchi. By now they’ll be writing chalk messages on the sidewalk warning friends to steer clear of your place.
--Just happen to begin building a moat around your house that day.
--Leave the lawn sprinkler running.
--Prop stereo speakers in your window, but instead of a scary soundtrack, play your old Lawrence Welk albums. And-a-one, and-a-two…
--Remove the button from the doorbell so they’re pressing a live wire instead. Hey, it’s only 24 volts.
--Hang out Christmas lights and scatter fake snow. This might confuse the dumb kids. In some neighborhoods, that’s more than half the kids.