Why does our dog Rufus lick his privates all the time? He's trying to freshen his breath.
"Did you find everything you were looking for?" No, but let's hold up the line while you page a clerk who won't find it, either.
Can I machine-wash extremely muddy clothes? Yes. You can also spend the next three days shoveling mud out of your washer.
Plus: Inferior Decorating ... The Guys' Crap Roadshow ... Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow ... The Life-Changing Magic of Compulsively Folding Your Socks ... Quantum Physics Made Easy ... and billions of other absurd and pointless topics.
Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions is available in paperback and Kindle format. I recommend you buy both, because I need the money. Click HERE to open a new browser window for the book's Amazon page without losing your place in my website -- because who knows?...you might want one of everything I've ever published.
Admit it: you're almost as crazy as I am
Desperately Seeking Sanity: A Spoofbook on Self-Help Does conventional advice (Relax! Overcome your anger! Stay optimistic!) make you want to strangle somebody? You need Desperately Seeking Sanity, a self-help book which admits that life sucks. It goes downhill from there: “Grit Your Teeth and Relax, Dagnabbit,” “Joe Pesci’s Guide to Self-Esteem,” “Meditation vs Medication” and “Stress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” You’ll feel better after reading it, mainly because it proves you’re far saner than me. And at just 99 cents, it won’t leave you feeling guilty when you don’t live happily ever after.
Click HERE to open a new browser window at the book's sales page on Amazon.com. You won't lose your place in my website, and neither of us will have a panic attack.
A great Spoofbook for anyone who lives indoors
Gimme Shelter: A Spoofbook on Home Decorating Do you hate the way your house looks? You’re not alone. Other people hate the way your house looks, too. But Gimme Shelter provides plenty of excuses for your home decorating failures. “Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Wallpaper” explains how do-it-yourself wallpapering threatens your marriage. “Feng Shui – Ancient Chinese B.S.” exposes myths about rearranging the crap in your home. Whatever aspect of decorating you loathe, from painting to throw pillows to focal points and color schemes, it’s all here. And at just 99 cents, Gimme Shelter is way cheaper than hiring a snooty interior designer. Click HERE to open a new browser window for the book at Amazon.com; you won't lose your place at Carsonmania.com, so you can keep buying my stuff until you're broke.
Girl Meets Boy / Boy Beats Girl
Fifty Shades of BenGay: A Parody Anesthesia Peel meets Crispin BenGay, a filthy rich and incredibly hunkalicious entrepreneur, during an interview for her beauty-school newspaper. BenGay is mysteriously attracted to Ana, a social zero who’s never even used email. He makes her his submissive, to have, to hold and to hurt.
Fifty Shades of BenGay puts a whole new spin on the bestselling romance novel with a soft-porn filling: That ridiculous contract “Hard limits: No acts involving clowns or mimes.” Laughable lovemaking “His mouth finds mine, which isn’t hard, considering how big my mouth is.” Ana’s multiple personalities “My inner goddess is picking her nose.” Those ludicrous emails “Crispin: About our ‘deal’: thanks, but no thanks. P.S. Can I keep the laptop?” This book is intended for immature adults. It contains explicit scenes of a physically impossible nature. Available in paperback and Kindle ebook format. EBOOK At just $2.99 from Amazon.com, it’s way cheaper (and much less nauseating) than the original. Click here to open the book's page at Amazon in a new browser window without losing your page in my website. PAPERBACK Fifty Shades of BenGay is available in paperback, too, for $5.99 at Amazon.com. Just think: you get the entire goofy tale that's in the ebook and a back cover ("Girl Meets Boy...Boy Beats Girl.") And since it's printed on real paper, you can use a red pen to draw hearts around your favorite passages! Very retro cool. Click here to open the Amazon sales page without leaving my website.
Isn't it romantic?
White Lace and Panic: A Spoofbook on Weddings
So he popped the question, and she said, “It’s about frikkin’ time!” White Lace and Panic takes it from there, featuring everything from a bride’s planning timetable (“Nine to twelve years in advance: get engaged”) to tips for finding the perfect wedding dress (“Pay attention to price tags, and try not to laugh hysterically”), unique gift registry suggestions (liquor stores, casinos), overly clever guest book ideas, and so much more.
Boldly go where snobbish wedding planners wouldn’t be caught dead…and all for just 99 cents. Click HERE to open a new browser window for the Kindle book at Amazon.com.
Arf! My second Spoofbook.
For Pets' Sake: A Spoofbook on Pets Need a break from vacuuming dog hair and raking the litter box? Check out For Pets’ Sake, which begins: “Are your children old enough to gently handle a delicate hamster without crushing or dropping him? If not, can you afford to buy a new hamster every couple of days?”
This pet-lovers’ guilty pleasure provides a hilarious lowdown on the dogs, cats, ferrets, parakeets, horses, rabbits, guinea pigs, fish, snakes, and other animals that own us. You’ll crow over “BuckbuckbuGAWK.com” and thank your lucky stars you don’t own “Possibly the Worst Pet Ever.”
For Pets’ Sake brings home 27 spooflets and drops them at your feet for just 99 cents. Best of all, you’ll never have to feed it Kindle Chow. Click HERE to open a new browser page at the Kindle store; you won't lose your place here in Carsonmania.com.
The Spoofbook heard 'round the world:
Arts & Crap: A Spoofbook on Arts and Crafts
Arts & Crap is bursting at the seams with short and snappy spooflets, including "The Deadly Art of Needlepoint," "12 Telltale Signs You'll Get Hooked on Scrapbooking" and "Knit One, Burn Two." Among these 18 how-not-to's, you're sure to find one particular craft you've always loved to hate. Lots of laughs for just 99 cents! Click HERE to open a new browser page at the Amazon Kindle store.