Washington, D.C. -- The White House has released the birthday suit photo of President Barack Obama in response to mounting questions about the president's body. Critics immediately attacked the photo, noting that the presence of a diaper disqualifies its legitimate birthday suit status.
Presidential hopeful Donald Trump also attended the press conference and attempted to hand out birthday suit photos of himself, taken last year. Few reporters in the press corps responded to his offer.
Q. Do you plan to watch television coverage of Prince William's royal wedding alone, or with a group of friends?
A. Wedding, schmedding! I need to get the f*#&^ing beer distributor out here to fix this busted tap. And the men's room urinal is leaking again. Besides, there's gotta be a ball game on that day.
Q. What aspect of the pomp and pageantry do you anticipate the most? The arrival of the princess-to-be? The ceremony itself? The royal procession afterward?
A. <Snort> Hey, this is the U. S. of A. We fought a war so we wouldn't have to deal with all that kingy-queeny crap. Besides, in my day you weren't really married unless you served cannibal sandwiches at the reception and had a live polka band. You think they're gonna do that at this royal wedding? Huh?
Hey, Louie, slide those bar dice down here, would ya?
Flowers and trees are blooming everywhere, which raises the age-old question: is your annual misery due to spring allergies or jungle rot? This guide will help you sort it out.
Symptoms Spring allergy: congestion, sneezing, watery eyes. Jungle rot: chronic tissue ulceration.
Treatment Spring allergy: antihistamines, decongestants, eyedrops. Jungle rot: antibiotics, skin grafting, amputation.
Prevention Spring allergy: visit Antarctica until pollen abates in your home region. Jungle rot: avoid cutting sugarcane while barefoot in the tropics.
We asked likely voters: If the Republican presidential primary were held today, who would you vote for?
28% Donald Trump's hairpiece
17% Bristol Palin's baby
10% Michael Jackson
6% Ronald McDonald
2% my pet hamster
1% Lady Gaga
You’ve probably heard that live chicks and bunnies make lousy Easter gifts because they grow into adult chickens and rabbits that poop all over your living room.
So this year, forget the chicks and bunnies. Instead, use these suggestions to fill those awkward spaces between marshmallow Peeps in the Easter basket.
If your kids are. . .
. . . obese Give them a starter pack of alli™, the only over-the-counter weight-loss product approved by the FDA.
. . . Jewish Line the bottom of the basket with cellophane grass. In the center, insert a sign that reads: “We don’t celebrate Easter, knucklehead.”
. . . timid Give Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People, a book your youngsters can hide behind whenever someone approaches them.
. . . vegan If your kids are vegetarians who don’t eat eggs (ovo-negative or whatever they’re calling it these days), you’re off the hook – although it might be fun to drop Egg McMuffins into their baskets and see how sincere they are about this whole veggie thing.
. . . athletic Check the grapevine for this year’s trendy steroids. Provide a generous supply.
. . . out of control Create a handmade I.O.U. promising to bail them out, no questions asked, the next time they’re arrested.
. . . sullen Give a list of chores, plus links to websites about underprivileged Third World children.
Tomorrow marks the 150th anniversary of the firing on Ft. Sumter. So there’s no better time for shameless self-promotion of “The Sons of Lazarus,” my thriller about Civil War reenactors who play for keeps.
I wrote it years ago while under the influence of the idea that the world needed another novel. While not (intentionally) humorous, it does have its interesting moments. I’ve been told that people have stayed up late reading it, so if you suffer from insomnia, maybe you can deduct it as a medical expense.
Check out samples of the paperback version here or the Kindle version here.
And now, back to our regularly scheduled silliness.
We asked Carsonmaniacs: if a work stoppage cancels the 2011 NFL season, how would you spend your free time?
62% curled up in fetal position on couch
57% learning the names of my children
43% washing windshields at intersections for spare change
39% watching pingpong on ESPN3
5% trying to find my Phillips screwdriver
Lent is traditionally a season of suffering. Just ask any member of a church music program gearing up for the Big Four: Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil and Easter morning.
The director demands perfection; volunteer musicians beg for rehearsals to end before midnight so they can tuck their kids into bed. By the fourth Sunday in Lent, things are getting pretty tense.
Here are some warning flags that your choir is about to revolt.
--A dead fish wrapped in newspaper turns up on the organ bench.
--The music director begins each rehearsal by reading aloud from The Articles of War.
--Folding chairs in the rehearsal room have been rearranged into a fortress.
-- Choir members spontaneously start whistling the theme from “The Bridge Over the River Kwai.”
--A UPS man brings an ominously sizzling package for the director.
--An albatross circles the church steeple.
Once again it’s election day (or, as they say in Japan, erection day).
See that table behind the poll workers’ seats? The law requires that it must hold a month’s worth of high-calorie snacks. Some municipalities begin election day by having the city clerk announce “Hear ye, hear ye” while popping open a can of Pringles.
The voting booth was invented by the ancient Greeks. The ancient Romans added a stone curtain for privacy; however, so many voters were crushed to death that eventually cloth curtains became the norm.
In most states it is illegal to remove your clothes while inside the voting booth.
No matter how well-informed you think you are, every ballot will have one office or referendum you’ve never heard of. But if you whip out your cellphone to ask a friend or spouse for advice, people behind you in line will get antsy.
There are many more tips I could give, but it’s time to go back and vote again…
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
Copyright (c) 2022 by Leah Carson, d/b/a Excellent Words, LLC