So this year, forget the chicks and bunnies. Instead, use these suggestions to fill those awkward spaces between marshmallow Peeps in the Easter basket.
If your kids are. . .
. . . obese Give them a starter pack of alli™, the only over-the-counter weight-loss product approved by the FDA.
. . . Jewish Line the bottom of the basket with cellophane grass. In the center, insert a sign that reads: “We don’t celebrate Easter, knucklehead.”
. . . timid Give Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People, a book your youngsters can hide behind whenever someone approaches them.
. . . vegan If your kids are vegetarians who don’t eat eggs (ovo-negative or whatever they’re calling it these days), you’re off the hook – although it might be fun to drop Egg McMuffins into their baskets and see how sincere they are about this whole veggie thing.
. . . athletic Check the grapevine for this year’s trendy steroids. Provide a generous supply.
. . . out of control Create a handmade I.O.U. promising to bail them out, no questions asked, the next time they’re arrested.
. . . sullen Give a list of chores, plus links to websites about underprivileged Third World children.