Well, it’s finally the end of February, and I gotta tell ya, this has been one sh*tty month. I mean, every day you either froze your a** off, or got buried in a big f**ing pile of snow, or both. Enough already!
So you’re probably thinking: tomorrow’s the first of March. It’s gonna get better, right? No. It ain’t gettin’ better, it’s gettin’ worse! Can you believe this sh*t?
Tonight’s low will be minus 10, with wind chills in the mid-frickin-minus twenties. And, oh yeah, we’ll have a couple inches of snow by morning. Then tomorrow it gets even worse, when the wind blows snow all over the place. Don’t even think about leaving the city, like if you were gonna drive out to the middle of nowhere with something that absolutely positively has to disappear overnight. Highway driving is just too nasty with all this frickin’ blowing and drifting because the frickin’ county is too frickin’ cheap to put up frickin’ snow fences like they used to do.
So that’s the weekend forecast. I’m outta here. Gonna catch a plane to Vegas.
1. If you live anywhere north of Orlando, the month of February absolutely sucked. Leaving early to begin your recovery is medically necessary.
2. You’ve heard of corporate team-building, right? In the do-it-yourself version, everybody in the department simply sneaks out to the nearest tavern.
3. One business guru says truly successful people always leave work on time. Prove that you’re extra successful by leaving several hours early. Later, you can work up to leaving by midmorning, until you’re so successful you never have to come in at all.
The original action figure turns 50 this year. In the 1960s, G.I. Joe starred in TV commercials with his own version of the Army fight song. But now that Joe is getting up in years, the lyrics need some updating, too.
G.I. Joe, G.I. Joe, how much longer can he go
On the land, on the sea, in the air?
Shorter marches there’ll be
On an artificial knee
And he seems to have lost all his hair
Now his mojo’s zapped
He needs to take a nap
Soon he’ll be snoring loud and strong
And his paunch and rear
Show he’s way too fond of beer
As the decades go rolling along
1. It gives Victoria’s Secret models something to aspire to.
2. The minimal bikinis are eco-friendly. Some don’t even have tops.
3. It boosts a vital sector of our economy: breast-augmentation cosmetic surgery.
4. It distracts northerners from their midwinter malaise and may even prevent some SAD-related suicides.
5. Anything that ticks off the Taliban is worth doing.
--Cracking your knuckles
--Cracking your chewing gum
--Cracking open a brewski as soon as you get home from work
--Cracking walnuts with your teeth
--Cracking through thin ice while snowmobiling across the lake
Even if you’re not a crackhead, you’ll enjoy Desperately Seeking Sanity: A Spoofbook on Self-Help, available at Amazon.com HERE for just 99 cents.
U.S. Speedskating Suit with Special Air-Drag Back Panel: $3.95 or best offer
“Go USA” Urinal: Choose from gold, silver, and bronze ($500 each) or buy the set of three ($1,495).
Torch Replica: economy version. $19
Head Cold Souvenirs: Used items from elite athletes! Available March 2014; prices
Old Hammer: Proves our theory that some people will buy anything with an Olympic logo slapped on it. $45
For your Valentine’s Day dinner this year, make a point of concealing your identity.
A simple disguise will convince restaurant management that you’re professional food critics striving to remain anonymous. You’ll receive outstanding service, complimentary dessert, and plenty of toothpicks.
Practice at home first so you don’t slobber all over yourself on your big night out. Avoid ordering wide foods like corn on the cob, and ask for a drinking straw with your soup.
You might even get a sponsorship deal from your local supermarket for wearing bags printed with their logo.
You’ve been seeing each other forever, and you’re sure he’s “the one,” but maybe the man of your dreams needs a gentle nudge. These tips help ensure that he’ll pop the question soon.
--Casually mention “Well, when I get married, I want the wedding at St. Paul’s Cathedral in London,” and see how he reacts.
--Let him know you’re in it for the long haul with a subtle remark like “I just took out a mortgage in both our names.”
--Go on a double date with friends who are happily married. If none of your friends are happily married, hire actors.
--Ask him flat-out: “Is this relationship going anywhere? Because my biological clock is ticking, buster.”
--Use a thick felt-tip pen to circle jewelers’ ads in the Sunday paper. Tuck the paper in his underwear drawer.
--Buy a Vera Wang wedding gown and nonchalantly drape it over your sofa.
--In a positive, upbeat tone, say, “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. You aren’t gay, are you?”
--To convey unconditional love and prove that you can survive difficult times as a couple, try wallpapering a room together.
--Give him a 30-day deadline, with a cash incentive for proposing on February 14.
--Hit him on the head with a shovel. Place in his hand a jewelry box with engagement ring. As he comes to, sweetly inquire: “You were saying?”
Bonus! If any of these tips actually work, you'll need "White Lace and Panic: A Spoofbook on Weddings" to prepare for the big day. Click here to check out this 99-cent Kindle book at Amazon.com.
1. TOILET PLUNGER She’s always complaining about that backed-up toilet, right? This thoughtful gift puts the solution in her soft little hands.
2. SUPPORT PANTYHOSE It’ll save her a trip to Walgreens.
3. BOA CONSTRICTOR Women love pets. A boa provides hugs and squeezes when you can’t be there.
4. CHIA PET After she makes you return the boa to the exotic pet store, this “pet” will be a welcome relief. It’s also cheaper than the snake and requires no live mice.
5. ICE SCRAPER The next time she’s scraping ice off her windshield (because your truck, ATV, motorcycle, etc., take up all the room in the garage), your name will be on her lips.
6. STEERING WHEEL COVER You’d like one, so why wouldn’t she?
7. AN I.O.U. Makes a great last-minute gift when all the stores are closed. Promise her anything – then make sure the I.O.U. slip disappears.
8. RAT POISON Show your concern for her health and safety; now she can finally get rid of those rats in the basement.
9. LINT ROLLER Much nicer than the bra-strap extender you gave her last year.
10. CHATTERING TEETH Not only are these hilarious, they’re red.
Can you use the Olympic Rings?
No, no, not on anything
They are trademarked
To use them is grand larceny
You cannot sew them on your shirt
Or embroider them on your underskirt
You cannot hang them from your ear
Or make them coasters for your beer
If you tattoo them on your arm
Your limb will surely come to harm
You cannot paint them on your sled
’Cause when we spot them,
You are dead
The rings, The Rings
Are precious things
They makes us laugh, they makes us sing
You cannot use them, don’t you see
The Rings belong to only meeeee
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
Copyright (c) 2022 by Leah Carson, d/b/a Excellent Words, LLC