The Plumber’s Gambit & four other idiotic ways to cheat at chess

The Plumber's Gambit & four other idiotic ways to cheat at chess 

Nice opening move if you can get away with it.

So you want to be a chess grandmaster without years of boring study and practice? No problem. These idiotic shortcuts will confound your opponents and send them fleeing in disgust. Checkmate!
 
The Plumber’s Gambit   Show up two hours late for the match, carrying a heavy bag of tools. Turn your back on your opponent and crouch over the bag, exposing six inches of prime real estate above your drooping beltline.
 
The Sicilian Defense  Drop an oily, smelly package of newspaper next to the chessboard. Open it to reveal a slab of dead fish.
 
The Pearl Harbor Attack  Pick up one of your more powerful pieces (the tall ones). Shout “Banzai!” and slam it into your opponent’s side of the board.
 
The Small World Insanity Twist  In a low voice, sing over and over, “It’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small small world.” 
 
The Ozzy Oddity  Grab your king, bite its head off, and scream the lyrics of “War Pigs.”