Spring-Clean Your Entire House in 30 Minutes or Less

Remember to clean your pets, too.

1. Remove any animal carcasses that have accumulated during the winter.  
2. Use a leaf blower to gather loose items from the entire house into a pile in the living room. Set fire to it.  
3. As the pile burns, throw in all those National Geographic magazines you never got around to reading.  
4. Use a toothbrush to clean crevices in the sink, shower and toilet.
5. Go back to the toothbrush holder where you absentmindedly replaced this toothbrush, figure out which one it is, and discard it.  
6. Rotate the mattress.
7. Bump your shins on the mattress as you leave the bedroom. Realize you should have rotated it 180 degrees, not 90 degrees. Finish rotating.   
8. Wipe and disinfect pets.  
9. Lift big pieces of furniture to strain your back.  
10. Use a handheld vacuum to pick up dust bunnies, tumbleweeds, and empty beer bottles.
11. Turn the oven dial to the super-hot “clean” setting. When your kitchen begins to look and smell like a Juarez tire fire, call the fire department.
12. Dump the contents of your utensil drawer onto the counter. Set aside tools you’ve never used and/or don’t recognize. Store them in your bedroom nightstand.  

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