School's in. Eccchhh!

Depressed? We don't blame you.

Hey, kids: Here comes that day you’ve been dreading all summer. School is starting, and you may feel nervous, scared, nauseous, itchy, panicky or paranoid. And as that first day unfolds, you’ll realize why.

But it’s the law. So get your act together with these back-to-school tips.

The first day  Most teachers start off by introducing themselves. Write down the names of your teachers and anything that’ll help you remember them, like “Mrs. Jonas, blue hair” or “Mr. Affenpinscher, loose dentures.”

Pay close attention to classroom rules. Are you required to raise your hand before starting a riot? Are there rules about visiting the restroom, or can you just wet your pants?

You might already know many kids in your class. If you’re lucky, they’ve forgotten what you did to them last year.

Sit!  On the first day, your teachers might let you sit anywhere you want. But by the second or third day, they’ll reassign seating to keep you exiled from friends. Take out your frustration by carving your initials in the desktop.

Supply line  Your parents have spent big bucks to get you everything on the school’s 20-page supply list. Put it all in your backpack and get Dad to help lift that 55-pound sucker onto your back.

Lunch  You have two options:  (1) Wait until you’re about to leave for school, then remind Mom to pack your lunch, or (2) Wait until you’re about to leave, and then ask Mom for lunch money. Whatever you do, don’t fall for that line about eating a variety of fruits and vegetables.

Everything you could possibly want, including potato chips, soda, candy bars, and energy drinks, is available in lunchbox-sized packs.

Get your bearings  There’s a lot to learn on that first day. Write your locker combination on your hand in ink so you won’t forget it. Ask around for the place where kids go for a quick smoke. If there’s a student co-op with supplies and snacks, learn the system: cash? credit? extortion?

Off to a rotten start  Suppose you hate school by the end of the first day. Teachers recommend that you give it time, because things will improve as you adjust to the routine. Well, what did you expect them to say? “Drop out”? But if it gets really bad, talk to the school counselor, who might have access to some strong medication.

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