All delivery parcels should be left at the front door. Use the 6-foot pole (provided) to ring the doorbell, then run away. Exception: recreational drugs can be delivered to the back door. If we like the way you look, we'll invite you in.
Change of plans for the previously scheduled potluck dinner: we will provide all the food. Each guest must bring a roll of toilet paper. Hazmat suits and respirators will be available in the foyer.
We also pledge our best efforts toward flattening the curve, as soon as we find out what that means.
As we've been housebound for more than a week, our supply of reading material is dwindling. We welcome donations of new or gently-used books on World War II, home design, and home design during World War II. Romance novels, children's books, cookbooks, Danielle Steel novels, and adult coloring books are not being accepted at this time (or ever).
Finally: it's our patriotic duty to help you lighten up. So buy our Spoofbooks and our funny magnets in the Carsonmania store. You're welcome.