--President Donald Trump tells his cabinet "You're fired!" and hires General Motors' board of directors in their place.
--The Department of Natural Resources announces that all homeowners must spent at least 10 minutes daily mowing their lawn, followed by 25 minutes wrangling grass clippings with a noisy leaf blower.
--Jerry Lewis decides that instead of retiring, he will broadcast the MDA telethon 24-7 / 365. The FDA orders all cable and satellite stations to carry it.
--To settle the NFL lockout, the entire 2011 season is pre-empted by a lottery. The Chicago Bears and the Minnesota Vikings are declared co-winners of the Super Bowl.