Many of my friends hang cutesy signs in their houses. The signs say things like “Live, Laugh, Love” or “Make today a great day.” It’s stressing me out. Do I need to follow these rules even after I leave their homes?
Those aren’t the Ten Commandments, sweetheart. Some people simply don’t like bare walls, but they do like ordering others around.
We must all take a stand against bossy signs. Memorize these alternatives to help you keep things in perspective when someone’s sign is hounding you.
For instance, instead of “You can never have too much happy,” think “You can easily have too much hokey.”
Welcome, please remove your shoes, thank you * Ugh, take your shoes off, you derelict
Live, Laugh, Love * Lie, Lurch, Leave
Always be humble and kind * Always be kind of hyper
This is our happy place * This is our battleground
Life is too short to drink bad wine * What kind of cheap wine did you bring?
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain * Life isn’t about standing outside in the rain, it’s about going indoors to watch Netflix
Blessed * Stressed
The best is yet to come * The bubble is about to burst
I love you to the moon and back * I love you to the end of the driveway
Family gathers here * Pet hair gathers here
Relax * Revenge
Let your faith be bigger than your fear * Let your gut be bigger than your beer
A dream is a wish your heart makes * A poop is the squish your dog makes
Grateful * Forgetful
Make today a great day * Get this day over with
We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails * We cannot sail a boat, but we can rent a JetSki
It is what it is * What the heck is it?
[Excerpted from Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available for just $3.99 Kindle / $7.99 paperback at Amazon: click here.]
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
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