And now for the finishing touches to recreate the authentic theatergoing experience:
--Spill soft drinks on the floor and let them dry to a sticky residue.
--Record the broadcast of an annoying pop radio station, and play it prior to the “feature presentation,” accompanied by dimly lit ads for local businesses.
--Ask your spouse to sell you a carton of stale popcorn for $8.50.
--Just before the feature, run a dozen onscreen reminders to “silence cellphones.”
--Set a batch of cellphones to ring at critical points in the film – say, during a love scene or right before the hero saves the world. Scatter them around the room.
--Invite some attention-deficit-disordered neighbor kids to sit behind you, where they’ll whine, argue, and kick the back of your chair.
--Invite their dimwitted parents to sit next to you and blab about the movie: “What did he say?” “Hey, that guy looks like John Travolta.” “This movie sucks.”
--Set your air conditioner to 46 degrees, and make sure the fan blows directly down your neck.
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