Got a last-minute urge to appear in a major metropolitan parade even though you don’t possess valuable skills like baton twirling or tuba playing? Here’s a step-by-step plan that’ll get you into the parade and noticed by all.
1. Borrow or rent a black SUV or limousine with tinted windows.
2. Ask several friends to dress in dark suits with white shirts and ties. Your own clothing should also be conservative: no flip-flops, cargo shorts, or bare midriffs.
3. Fasten small U.S. flags, upright, to all four corners of the vehicle.
4. During the height of the parade, approach the route from a side street. Have your driver inch the vehicle into the route as your bodyguards ask spectators to move aside.
5. Once you’re in the parade, step out of the vehicle and walk the route. Wave to spectators, “recognize” some people, and shake hands without making eye contact.
6. Every so often, your bodyguards should speak tersely into their suit collars.
7. To test the effectiveness of your charade, hand out ballpoint pens imprinted “Vote for [your name].” Come November, see how many write-in votes you get.
Most municipalities ban retail sales of all but the wimpiest fireworks. To find out where to buy the good kind, ask your cousin Melvern, the guy with two fingers missing from his left hand.
Fireworks that burst in two or three phases are called multi-break shells; those that send spirals outward in skittering paths are called serpentines; and those that set fire to your neighbor’s roof are called Exhibit A.
Some websites offer safety tips for setting up your home fireworks show, but you aren’t going to read them anyway, so we won’t list the websites here.
Experts warn that ordinary sparklers can burn skin, set clothing on fire, and produce permanent eye damage – so they may be more fun than you thought.
Dispose of all smoldering remnants in a metal container that’s been wetted down. That half-barrel of beer you and your friends just finished off would be ideal.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Clownaphobia, the perfectly normal fear of strangers who appear in public wearing face paint and giant shoes, is expected to peak over the July 4th holiday.
According to Dr. Warren Pease, a psychiatrist at the University of Motown, clown sightings skyrocket during holiday parades and carnivals.
“This fear is embedded in our popular culture,” notes Dr. Pease, “as well it should be. You really don’t know who’s under that fright wig or what they’re hiding in that baggy suit.”
Dr. Pease offers tips for clownaphobia sufferers:
--Sit far back from the curb when watching a parade. Clowns usually don’t venture beyond the first row.
--Avoid eye contact with the clown.
--If a clown approaches, back away slowly, keeping your arms at your sides. Avoid nervous giggling, as this triggers the clown’s predatory instincts.
--Check your yard each morning. Discarded squirting flowers, twistable balloons, and empty clown cars indicate an overnight visit. You’d be wise to set out cardboard containers of Clown-B-Gone, available at most major garden centers.
--For increased security, carry a custard pie whenever you go out during peak clown season. In most states, this is not considered a concealed weapon.
As you stand next to a department store display, someone mistakes you for a leather handbag.
Your freckles have freckles.
The cracks in your face are deeper than the tire treads on your car.
The American Cancer Society wants to use your photo for its “Dangers of Melanoma” brochure.
Retail clerks offer you a senior discount, although you’re only 27.
You bought Black Like Me thinking it would provide tanning tips.
When you visit the zoo, elephants trumphet a greeting.
West Allis, WI – The Wisconsin State Fair today announced that its 2012 food lineup will include Cowpie Cupcakes.
“This exciting confection represents a cross-marketing effort between the Dairy Council and the Baker’s Guild,” the State Fair’s news release says. “Fairgoers will purchase pink macaroons, either singly or in 12-packs, then visit the dairy barn for free topping delivered directly from a dairy cow.”
A spokesperson noted that this new offering could rival the popularity of the fair’s current top-selling junk food, Sh*t on a Stick.
A recent online story described “Money Mistakes Women Make More Often Than Men,” such as “bailed out an ex” and “indulged in retail therapy.” But it left out some really important ones, too.
--Buying a too-small bra. Ever see that back-fat-spillover just below the shoulders? It’s the product of wishful thinking, as in My cups runneth over, therefore I’m sexy.
--Spending too much on lipstick. If that tube costs more than your monthly electric bill, you’re getting taken for a ride.
--Buying a pair of 8-inch heels that will prove to be unwearable.
--Naming your 5-pound Shih Tzu as your life insurance beneficiary.