A Moron's Guide to Home Fireworks

Most municipalities ban retail sales of all but the wimpiest fireworks. To find out where to buy the good kind, ask your cousin Melvern, the guy with two fingers missing from his left hand.

Fireworks that burst in two or three phases are called multi-break shells; those that send spirals outward in skittering paths are called serpentines; and those that set fire to your neighbor’s roof are called Exhibit A.

Some websites offer safety tips for setting up your home fireworks show, but you aren’t going to read them anyway, so we won’t list the websites here.

Experts warn that ordinary sparklers can burn skin, set clothing on fire, and produce  permanent eye damage – so they may be more fun than you thought.

Dispose of all smoldering remnants in a metal container that’s been wetted down. That half-barrel of beer you and your friends just finished off would be ideal.