Crash That July 4th Parade!
Got a last-minute urge to appear in a major metropolitan parade even though you don’t possess valuable skills like baton twirling or tuba playing? Here's a step-by-step plan that’ll get you into the parade and noticed by all.
1. Borrow or rent a black SUV or limousine with tinted windows.
2. Ask several friends to dress in dark suits with white shirts and ties. Your own clothing should also be conservative: no flip-flops, cargo shorts, or bare midriffs.
3. Fasten small U.S. flags, upright, to all four corners of the vehicle.
4. During the height of the parade, approach the route from a side street. Have your driver inch the vehicle into the route as your bodyguards ask spectators to move aside.
5. Once you’re in the parade, step out of the vehicle and walk the route. Wave to spectators, “recognize” some people, and shake hands without making eye
6. Every so often, your bodyguards should speak tersely into their suit collars.
7. To test the effectiveness of your charade, hand out ballpoint pens imprinted “Vote for [your name].” Come November, see how many write-in votes you get.
A Moron’s Guide to Home Fireworks
Most municipalities ban retail sales of all but the wimpiest fireworks. To find out where to buy the good kind, ask your cousin Melvern, the guy with two fingers missing from his left hand.
Fireworks that burst in two or three phases are called multi-break shells; those that send spirals outward in skittering paths are called serpentines; and those that set fire to your neighbor’s roof are called Exhibit A.
Some websites offer safety tips for setting up your home fireworks show, but you aren’t going to read them anyway, so we won’t list the websites here.
Experts warn that ordinary sparklers can burn skin, set clothing on fire, and produce permanent eye damage — so they may be more fun than you thought.
Dispose of all smoldering remnants in a metal container that’s been wetted down. That empty half-barrel of beer you and your friends just finished off would be ideal.
Midsummer Picnic: Nature Strikes Back
Independence Day picnics are a festive tradition — if you’re a human. For wildlife, they’re a major pain in the butt.
Just imagine if a crowd suddenly invaded your back yard, bringing tantalizing food and then shooing you away when you came to investigate. No fair!
That’s what we like about this makeover, as a brown bear takes matters into his own hands … er, paws.
Notice the serenity of the “after” shot, with humans banished and the bear partaking of chilled Gatorade and salami sandwiches. Tonight he’ll sleep comfortably in a Coleman camper, wrapped in the luxury of a $650 Eddie Bauer sleeping bag.
COMING NEXT MONTH
Moray eels reclaim their beach at an oceanside park.
Clownaphobia Reaches Fever Pitch
Clownaphobia, the perfectly normal fear of strangers who appear in public wearing face paint and giant shoes, is expected to peak over the July 4th holiday.
According to Dr. Warren Pease, a psychiatrist at the University of Motown, clown sightings skyrocket during holiday parades and carnivals.
“This fear is embedded in our popular culture,” notes Dr. Pease, “as well it should be. You really don’t know who’s under that fright wig or what they’re hiding in that baggy suit.”
Dr. Pease offers tips for clownaphobia sufferers:
« Sit far back from the curb when watching a parade. Clowns usually don’t venture beyond the first row.
« Avoid eye contact with the clown.
« If a clown approaches, back away slowly, keeping your arms at your sides. Avoid nervous giggling, as this triggers the clown’s predatory instincts.
« Check your yard each morning. Discarded squirting flowers, twistable balloons, and empty clown cars indicate an overnight visit. You’d be wise to set out cardboard containers of Clown-B-Gone, available at most major garden centers.
« For increased security, carry a custard pie whenever you go out during peak clown season. In most states, this is not considered a concealed weapon.
You might have noticed that Queen Elizabeth II has a thing about hats. Some are inspired by Dr. Suess’s “The Cat in the Hat,” others by the Mad Hatter of “Alice in Wonderland,” and still others by Kentucky Derby hats seen on socialites who’ve had too many mint juleps. The queen’s hats are festooned with ribbons, feathers, pompoms, flowers made of folded Kleenex, scraps of vintage wallpaper, random pieces from old games of Clue, Stone Age arrowheads, marbles, and Silly Putty. None of these come cheap. The Royal Milliner sources her material from all over the world, and the moment a seller realizes that the Windsors are involved, the asking price (even for marbles) rises exponentially.
For other absurd and pointless topics, including Inferior Decorating, Dumb Household Hints, and The Life-Changing Magic of Compulsively Folding Your Socks, check out "Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions"
at Amazon (please see my Books web page).
And on the seventh day, God made a list of everything completed during the previous six days, and checked them off the list one by one.
And She saw that it was very good.
The Plumber's Gambit & four other idiotic ways to cheat at chess
So you want to be a chess grandmaster without years of boring study and practice? No problem. These idiotic shortcuts will confound your opponents and send them fleeing in disgust. Checkmate!
The Plumber’s Gambit Show up two hours late for the match, carrying a heavy bag of tools. Turn your back on your opponent and crouch over the bag, exposing six inches of prime real estate above your drooping beltline.
The Sicilian Defense Drop an oily, smelly package of newspaper next to the chessboard. Open it to reveal a slab of dead fish.
The Pearl Harbor Attack Pick up one of your more powerful pieces (the tall ones). Shout “Banzai!” and slam it into your opponent’s side of the board.
The Small World Insanity Twist In a low voice, sing over and over, “It’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small small world.”
The Ozzy Oddity Grab your king, bite its head off, and scream the lyrics of “War Pigs.”
Rated H for hokey
It’s the 1850s gold rush on the western frontier. Dirt farmer Hosea (subtle reference to the Biblical Hosea) asks God to send him a wife. Dirt farming must be really profitable: Hosea lives in a spacious open-plan wooden farmhouse with a huge matching barn. His free-range sheep never get lost or eaten by wolves. Even his garden thrives without a fence to keep out hungry critters. God must be all-in on Hosea.
So it comes as a nasty shock when God points out Hosea’s future wife, a prostitute named Angel (subtle reference to an angel). She’s in such high demand that Madam Duchess raffles off her services to horny gold prospectors.
Hosea: Howdy, ma’am. I want to buy a session with Angel.
Duchess: Why should I sell you a session for $5 when I can get $70 with the raffle?
Hosea: I’ll pay you $10.
Hosea: Howdy, miss. I’m just a humble dirt farmer sent by God to rescue you.
Angel: If you’re just a humble dirt farmer, how come your clothes are so clean?
Hosea: I’m far from perfect. You should see my underwear.
Spoiler alert! Well, on second thought, you knew this was coming: Hosea takes sullen, cynical Angel back to his dirt farm.
Angel: All right, let’s get this over with. (She flops onto the bed.)
Hosea: Oh, no, miss. I’m sleeping in the barn.
Angel: Are you gay?
Over time, with Hosea’s patient coaxing, Angel realizes the joys of slopping the pigs, mucking the horse stalls, and harvesting the dirt.
Angel: Oh, how I love being a farm wife!
You may snicker at finicky cats or recoil from somebody’s pet snake. But snakes or cats – yes, even Siamese cats – or even alligators make better pets than sugar gliders.
Sugar gliders are exotic pocket pets that look like the product of a one-night stand between a racoon and a flying squirrel. Among their charming habits:
So there you have it. If you ever want to wreak serious revenge on someone, urge them to get a sugar glider – "the best pet ever!"
For more pet lovers' guilty pleasures, check out my 99-cent Kindle book "For Pets' Sake" on Amazon: click here.
Can This Marriage Be Saved? "He's so needy, it's driving me nuts!"
Her turn “Friends told us a mixed marriage is tough, but I can deal with dog hair, dog breath, and the occasional rawhide chew hidden in the comforter. Our real problem is his extreme neediness.
“I’ve got a high-powered career. When I get home from work, I need time to decompress. For once, I’d like to sit on the sofa and sip a glass of chardonnay without a 90-pound dog on my lap.
“He also has this habit of licking off all my makeup. I get irritated and scold him, and then he whines and I feel guilty. Lately I’ve actually considered putting him in doggy day care for a while, but then there’d be no one guarding the house when I’m away. ”
His turn “Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof-woof-woof!”
The counselor’s turn “During our sessions, it became clear to me that the wife was the alpha dog in this marriage, and that they both liked it that way.
“However, even a pack leader needs a little ‘alone’ time once in a while. We did some role-playing to help them communicate.
“I instructed her not to nag him when he intrudes on her space. Instead, she should give a low growl and nip his flank. He caught on immediately and retreated under the counseling couch.
“He also learned that face-licking is a turnoff for her. Now, when feeling needy, he rolls on his back in an endearing submissive dog posture, which prompts her to scratch his belly.”
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
Copyright (c) 2022 by Leah Carson, d/b/a Excellent Words, LLC