Carsonmania,Spoofbooks
Here’s “What Jennifer Did”: 1. Inspired a Netflix documentary that wasted 1 hour 27 minutes of my evening. 2. Showed that detectives in her city are verrry slow on the uptake. It took them four days to check her cellphone records?! 2A. …but then again, in Canada a “person of interest” is considered Nice until proven Not Nice. 3. Reminded potential murderers not to leave an incriminating diary lying around the house. 4. Briefly made Canada’s 10 Most Wanted Airheads list before the authorities realized she was sitting right there in the police interrogation room. 5. Created frustration when the documentary (see #1 above) never revealed whether the guy(s) who pulled the trigger were sentenced or even caught (#2 above). They probably escaped to the U.S., where they’re busy being Very Very Not Nice. Photo by Cottonbro Hey, pig, it’s vacation time! And what better place to unwind than at our brand new luxury resort, Piggy Paradise!
From the moment you’re herded off the shuttle truck from the airport, you’ll bask in an unmatched level of pampering. Our hospitality staff greets you in the lobby with edible flower leis and buckets of mai tais. Then we whisk you across the property in a hay-filled trailer pulled by a current model year John Deere tractor. Plenty of pig room Your guest room is stuffed with special touches. A galvanized metal trough that automatically refills as you drink. Generous supplies of bruised fruit, day-old bread and potato peels for snacking. An XXL-Jacuzzi equipped with several bristle brushes to rub against. Atop the bed sits a folded towel shaped like a corncob. And by the way, that bed is USDOT-rated for loads of up to 800 lbs. Tropical treats Our guests-only beach spares you the dirty looks you’re accustomed to getting at conventional human parks. Sniff the jasmine-scented air and take a dip in the waves, or just stroll hoof-in-hoof along with sand with your sweetheart. Our dining room is open every minute of the day. Each entrée is an all-you-can-eat treat, topped with a wafer-thin mint. So what are you waiting for? Call 1-800-PIG-SAND to grunt, snort and squeal with our travel planners now! Photo by Colin Lloyd Never mind Portugal, Sweden and Greece. Imagine Eugene Levy visiting mega-redundant places we’ve all seen thousands of times.
In this episode, Eugene continues his world-traveler schtick at Disney’s Epcot World Showcase in Orlando, Florida. Since the pseudo-countries are located within eight yards of each other, Eugene covers them all in less than a day. Here’s his itinerary. Mexico Wade across the three-foot-wide Rio Not So Grand and jump over an 18-inch border wall for an enchilada lunch as American as apple pie. Japan This theater-in-the-round presents a newly released documentary, “Pearl Harbor: It’s All Downhill From Here.” France The exhibit is closed due to a French workers’ strike, giving Eugene extra time for other countries. Germany Beer, beer, beer is the highlight here. Eugene buys a hideously expensive imported stein as a souvenir. The United Kingdom More beer (well, technically, it’s ale). A hot mic catches Eugene muttering “Can’t a person get some decent wine here?” Canada Eugene’s native land. He stops to use the restroom. Italy A slow ride in a gondola offers a front-row seat as Michael Corleone settles all the family business: “Barzini’s dead. So is Phillip Tattaglia, Moe Greene, Stracci, Cuneo.” Morocco Tame “Moroccan” dishes are served during the belly dancing show. Eugene lingers until closing time and decides that stateside travel isn't so bad after all. Photo by The Castlebar UK (1) Forgetting to take off your clothes. Sure, life is hectic, but maybe you need a more detailed to-do list, hmm? Taking a bath with your clothes on makes bar soap much less effective. You'll also have to rinse and wring out those garments afterward. No wonder this woman looks perturbed. (2) Choosing a bathroom design on Instagram. Imagine yourself actually using that chic bathroom. Bonking your head getting into the tub. Trying to ignore the 12-foot-high water stains on the shower glass. Bonking your head getting out of the tub. Using the ghost toilet in the far corner. (3) Soaking too long.
This woman is turning into a fish. Never mind wrinkly skin -- she's got gills. I'd hate to be the social worker who has to notify her parents: "Your daughter is alive, but she'll need to be on water support for the rest of her life." Maybe she'll live in a solo exhibit at Sea World. Photo credits (from top): Mart Production, Max Vakhtbovcyn, Yaroslav Shuraev So both of your favorite teams lost the NCAA tournament? And darkness didn’t cover the earth around your home during the solar eclipse? Here at Sour Grapes Weekly, we’ll help you make the least of it: “Nobody could beat their team’s athletic freaks” and “So what? You have 12 hours of darkness every night.”
Each issue of Sour Grapes Weekly gives you ammo against late-breaking news: Acts of God “Face it: you didn’t like your house anyway” Acts of Congress “Just another mountain of red tape” Acts of Elon Musk “This isn’t how you would spend $10 billion” ACT NOW and we’ll also send our free 2024 Presidential Election Advance Guide, preparing you for any outcome with stories like “Both candidates are full of it,” “The Senate will block his entire agenda” and “First Ladies have no fashion sense whatsoever.” Call 1-800-IAM-SOUR or go to SourGrapesWeekly.com to start your subscription today! Photo by Andrea Piacquadio Each episode of “The Reluctant Traveler” (Apple TV) features Eugene Levy being airlifted into a foreign country, eating The Best Meal Ever, drinking (a lot), and moving beyond his comfort zone. Multiple redundancies! Thus, our synopsis: The Redundant Traveler.
Saint-Tropez, France The Best Meal Ever Eugene dines out with “Dynasty” star Joan Collins, a longtime resident of this humble harbor. She persuades Eugene to try a raw oyster, which he immediately spits out. Best Spontaneous Moment Ever. The Booze Thankfully, the restaurant serves great wine to wash away that disgusting oyster slime. Eugene’s Discomfort Zone As if the oyster wasn't discomforting enough, the showrunners shuttle Eugene to the countryside of Provence for a close encounter of the honeybee kind. There he dons a beekeeper’s protective clothing with all the enthusiasm of a convicted criminal facing the electric chair. The bees ham it up for the camera. Scotland The claim to fame Eugene’s Jewish grandparents, emigrating from Eastern Europe via Scotland en route to America, decided the Highlands were too beautiful to leave. Either that, or they lost the second pair of steamship tickets. The Best Meal Ever Food anywhere in the UK is nothing to write home about, even if your home was a ghetto. But eaten at a pub, the food becomes irrelevant because of… The Booze Pull a pint or two or ten, trade stories with friendly locals, listen to jaunty live music, and you too will be glad you never made it to New York. Eugene’s Discomfort Zone Eugene dances a Highland fling while sporting his new kilt. Anything underneath? He’s not saying. But the salesman convinced him that the tartan plaid was kosher. Photo by Reginald O G Martins Let’s say your kids fell in love with goats at the petting zoo. Ha! Fifteen minutes at the petting zoo proves nothing: your children will lose interest two minutes after you bring a goat home to your back yard or hobby farm.
But don’t give up on goats just yet. There are several great reasons for owning them. (1) Goats have really weird eyes that can hypnotize people into doing their will. No wonder your hard-core survivalist neighbors believe goats are the spawn of Satan. If you keep goats, those neighbors will leave you alone. (2) Goats are highly intelligent, although you might not guess it as they munch on wire, your shirt-tail, and the roof of the nice shelter you built for them. Once they’ve finished off the shingles, they’ll jump off the roof, clear the pasture fence, and head out to scare the neighbors’ horses. With entertainment like this, who needs to pay for streaming TV service? (3) Goats are athletic. They’ve been known to climb to the tops of cars, trucks, barns, gas stations and public libraries. Some animal behaviorists believe this is a sign of condescension: the goats want to look down on everybody else. Or maybe they’re just nuts. --Excerpted from “Hobby Farming: Don’t Grow There” in Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available in paperback and Kindle at Amazon. Are you allergic to new experiences, or simply intolerant of other cultures? Either way, our “First and Last” series describes how to behave so you’ll never be invited again.
Our focus this time is the the Japanese tea ceremony: highly formal, steeped in history, conducted in a traditional tea room with a tatami floor. Before the ceremony Ask for “a decent chair” to sit on. Announce you never eat sushi because “it’s always undercooked.” When told sushi is not served during the ceremony, add, “Good, because I wouldn’t eat it anyway.” During the ceremony Ask the host why they’re using “that brush” (chasen, a tea whisk) and whether they’ll serve you Lipton Tea instead. Keep up the constant chatter: “Know any good geishas?” or “Have you seen ‘Oppenheimer’?” Repeatedly check the time and sigh loudly. After another guest takes a sip from the tea bowl, wipes the edge with a cloth, and passes it to you, exclaim, “You expect me to drink from your mug?” After the ceremony Mutter “I thought we’d never finish.” Hurriedly bow to the host, bonking your head against theirs and sending you both to the ER. So you dream of wide-open living space but your budget barely covers a microscopic studio apartment? No worries. Get in on two trends at once with this fully furnished tiny great room!
In this hardworking space, everything does double or triple duty. For instance, those are no ordinary window drapes. Their heavy duty, waterproof lining conceals a vanity, sink and shower on the far right side and a toilet on the far left. The middle? That’s your walk-in closet. A small floor drain carries away most of the shower water; the remainder creates a lovely reflecting pool. AI-enabled surveillance for Skynet Those other-worldly hanging lights provide illumination, smart-home capabilities (“Alexa, find my chihuahua”) and expansion slots for AI surveillance devices when Skynet takes over the world. There’s a sleeper sofa, of course, but with a twist. The backrest flips up to reveal a wet bar with a large wine fridge and full selection of top-shelf liquor. There’s even room for a hired bartender when you host a large crowd of up to three people. The glass coffee table holds drinks and snacks. It’s also a launchpad for the cat en route to the glass dining table, where she snubs her organic human-grade fresh cat food in a red Sputnik bowl. Her litterbox resides in one of the kitchen cubbies on the far right. Cabinets beneath the TV provide sleeping and storage space for any children you might have. Quite the cozy kitchen The heart of the kitchenette is the range top; above it sits a combination range hood exhaust fan with book, photo and file storage. Sure, your vintage books, photo albums and important legal documents might get a little greasy when you turn on the fan while deep-frying a turkey – but that’s a small price to pay for such a clever storage hack. The dummy front of the oven conceals a pull-out Pilates reformer. After a workout, hang your sweaty Lululemon tights on the top bar and push the unit back into the wall. The remaining cabinets provide oodles of storage space for your briefcase, ironing board, bicycle, Christmas tree, groceries and hobby supplies. Everything you need for a fun and rewarding lifestyle! Call me today for a tour! Susie Sparkly, qualified real estate agent Craft beads, like snowflakes, are beautiful when they’re tiny and disorganized. But things get ugly when loose beads gather as a mob.
Why would a bead have it in for you? Well, duh! You’re driving a sharp wire through its guts! And even though the hole was already there, that’s still gotta hurt. Watch out for these warning signs. Then get out of their beadin' way. Initial passive-aggressive move: An entire tray “accidentally” falls to the floor. Beads roll to every room of your house, encouraging your curious dog, cat or gerbil to take a dangerous lick. Open rebellion: A bead refuses to let you push the wire in by holding its breath and swelling up (yes, beads can do that). When you try another bead, the same thing happens. The third bead gets stuck underneath your thumbnail. The fourth bead rolls across the tabletop and sticks to your coffee cup. And so on. Last-chance warning: You open the storage case and discover all the beads forming a pattern that reads Up Yours. Run for your life! For more on whatever craft you’ve always loved to hate, check out my Arts & Crap Spoofbook. Its 18 how-not-to’s include “The Deadly Art of Needlepoint,” “12 Telltale Signs You’ll Get Hooked on Scrapbooking” and “Knit One, Burn Two.” Lots of laughs for just 99 cents! It's all here: Arts & Crap Spoofbook |
CarsonmaniaBlogI hope you weren't expecting anything profound. If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
Follow me @carsonmania.com Copyright (c) 2024 by Leah Carson, d/b/a Excellent Words, LLC |