1. BUTTERED BUTTER In small fry pan, sauté four sticks of salted butter. Meanwhile, microwave one stick of unsalted butter for two minutes. Pour over sautéed butter and serve.
2. MAXI-RONI Boil two pieces of macaroni until tender. Top with six cups shredded cheese.
3. CREAM OF SOMETHING SOUP Use plenty of cream to disguise the fact that this soup is a dumping ground for leftovers: Christmas ham, Hanukkah latkes, even Thanksgiving turkey.
4. MEALOAF BEETLOAF I HATE MEATLOAF (as spurned by little brother Randy in “A Christmas Story”) This staple fills up the plate and provides the illusion that you’re feeding your family.
5. BAKED BEANS Open a two-gallon institutional-sized can of beans. Heat and serve. Optional: harness the resulting gas and channel it to your furnace.
6. NEW ENGLAND BOILED YUCK Boil corned beef, cabbage, carrots and potatoes until the kitchen wallpaper starts peeling.
7. DEEP-FRIED SNICKERS BARS Serve as main dish or dessert course.
8. CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN Rent this fountain from a party store. The basin heats chocolate to a liquid state and pumps it into a liquid “waterfall” in which marshmallows or strawberries can be dipped, but if you’re desperate for comfort, just stick your tongue into the flow.
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