1. Never go to bed angry, especially with someone other than your spouse.
2. Be very clear about who does what. For instance, a husband might tell his wife: “You take care of the kids, shop for groceries, cook, clean, and pay the bills. I’ll take out the garbage once a week.” Conversely, the wife could say to her husband: “You earn the money, and I’ll spend it.”
3. A mutual enemy can draw you closer together. Find a politician, celebrity or neighbor you both hate. Carp about them constantly.
4. Invest in two pairs of wireless headphones. She wears hers when he’s watching televised sports she can’t stand. He wears his the rest of the time.
5. Trying novel experiences as a couple increases the production of positive brain neurochemicals. So go ahead – travel to Pamplona for the running of the bulls, or go bungee jumping off a bridge. If you survive, your marriage will thrive.
6. Show respect for your partner by keeping up your appearance, even when you’re just hanging around the house. Wear pants. Cover your belly. Make sure your shirt has been washed at least once in the last month.
7. Keep the romance alive: hang a pair of handcuffs from the bedpost.
8. Your spouse isn’t a mind reader, so be specific about your wants and needs. “Honey, for my birthday I’d like a Craftsman 3-Gallon Horizontal Air Compressor with the hose and accessory kit.” Or maybe: “I have a splitting headache right now. Would you please take the kids to the mall and leave them there forever?”
9. Modern life puts exhausting demands on everyone, so be sure to schedule some downtime during which you can both pass out in front of the TV.
10. Don’t sweat the small stuff. So what if she totaled the car? So what if he lost the kids’ college fund gambling at the casino? You still love each other, right? Right?!
For more insanely useful lifestyle tips, check out Leah Carson's new 99-cent ebook Desperately Seeking Sanity: A Spoofbook on Self-Help, available HERE.
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