Q. What kind of fun new candy is available this year to give trick-or-treaters?
A. Candy? Those spoiled brats don’t deserve candy. When I was young and we went door to door, people gave us rocks. Rocks! They weren’t chocolate-covered rocks, either. You were lucky if they had a little dirt or mud on them. Go out in the yard and collect rocks. Don’t buy store candy. It’s a ripoff.
Q. Can you suggest some cute costumes I could sew for my preschoolers?
A. You don’t need to sew anything. Make them wear dirty old clothes, and then get a piece of coal and blacken their faces. They can go as coal miners.
Q. Do you have the recipe for those gelatin “eyeballs” to float in a punchbowl at my party?
A. Don’t fart around with recipes. Go to the butcher shop and ask the butcher for a bunch of fish heads. You’ll get more eyeballs than you can shake a stick at. They won’t cost you anything, either.
Q. What should I teach my kids about pumpkin-carving safety?
A. Safety, schmafety. Give ’em a big carving knife and let ’em figure it out for themselves.
I hope you weren't expecting anything profound.
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