Do Not Go Gently Into That Guten Abend
(Rio de Janeiro, Brazil) Nazi-hunters have discovered a cache of audio recordings preserved by German commanders fleeing Adolf Hitler’s bunker as Russian troops advanced on Berlin. These recordings reveal that the deaths of Hitler and his wife Eva Braun, long thought to have occurred on April 30, 1945, actually took place two months earlier during a takenzieownlife practiceungruben (suicide rehearsal) on Groundhog Day. The following is an edited transcript.
Adolf: Ah, here it is. What a beauty.
Eva: Darling, won’t you put that thing away? Guns make me nervous.
Adolf: (tsk-tsks) Eva, das Luger is our friend. We practice today, so all goes smoothly when the time comes.
Eva: But gunfire is so loud! Couldn’t we just toast each other with fine wine and cyanide?
Adolf: You mustn’t use cyanide, Schatze. It’s really hard on tooth enamel.
Eva: I don’t care. You do it your way, and I’ll do it mine.
Adolf: (loud sigh) All right. Let’s begin. We give our little speeches to each other, reaffirm our undying love, blah blah blah, and then we do it. (sound of pistol being cocked)
Eva: But first, I will proclaim: Long live the Third Reich!
Adolf: It’s a little late for that, Liebling.
Eva: Now I pretend this glass of water is Champagne. Und here is my cyanide.
Adolf: Where did you get those?
Eva: Herr Goering gave them to me. Oh, darling, don’t be cross. Everyone was so tense during the Battle of the Bulge. He was handing them out like candy.
Adolf: Don’t put that on your tongue, you silly twit! Spit it out! (sounds of Eva coughing) Mein Gott! Eva! Open your mouth! I’ll fish it out. Here, hold this! (gun fires)
Adolf: Achhhh! Scheisssssssse.
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