Got a last-minute urge to appear in a major metropolitan Fourth of July parade even though you don’t possess valuable skills like baton twirling or tuba playing? Here’s a step-by-step plan that’ll get you into the parade and noticed by all.
1. Borrow or rent a black SUV or limousine with tinted windows.
2. Ask several friends to dress in dark suits with white shirts and ties. Your own clothing should also be conservative: no flip-flops, cargo shorts, or bare midriffs.
3. Fasten small U.S. flags, upright, to all four corners of the vehicle.
4. During the height of the parade, approach the route from a side street. Have your driver inch the vehicle into the route as your bodyguards ask spectators to move aside.
5. Once you’re in the parade, step out of the vehicle and walk the route. Wave to spectators, “recognize” some people, and shake hands without making eye contact.
6. Every so often, your bodyguards should speak tersely into their suit collars.
7. To test the effectiveness of your charade, hand out ballpoint pens imprinted “Vote for [your name].” Come November, see how many write-in votes you get.
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