"Invite" Obnoxious Guests via Livestream

Beware the bridal toast that begins with the limerick “There was a young woman from Venus….”

My fiance and I have been guilted into including certain guests we can’t stand. How can we keep them from ruining our big day?
 
Livestreaming to the rescue! Send these derelicts an invitation to watch your wedding online. This virtual invitation means you’ve technically “invited” rude, obnoxious, loathsome guests without letting them actually show up.
 
Here are some other spoiler-people:

• Expert dancers who would outshine the father/daughter or bride/groom showpiece you’ve been practicing for months
• Drunken business colleagues or stoned former roomies
• Relatives who tell everyone how you ran around naked during your third-birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese

 
Digital invitations should include the wedding date and time, plus a link with instructions for joining the event. In the case of elderly recipients, provide the name and phone number of an 8-year-old (whom you’ve bribed) to help them sign in to the livestream.  
 
DO NOT…

• …include the wedding location or any other tip-offs to the real thing.  
• …mention that digital invitations are convenient and cheap. Your castoff guests might respond with convenient and cheap wedding gifts. Or none at all.
• …livestream the reception. It’s no fun watching others having fun, and your excuse of having a “small, intimate guest list” will be shown up as a big fat lie.  

 
You’ll find many other reality checks in White Lace and Panic: A Spoofbook on Weddings. At just 99 cents on Kindle, it’s way cheaper than the Xanax you’ve been popping since you set the wedding date.