A Bride’s Planning Timetable

So he popped the question, and you said “It’s about frikkin’ time!” Now the work begins. Use this list to keep track of everything, and remember: It’s all up to you. The groom exists solely to prop you up while approaching the finish line, a.k.a. the altar.
 
Nine to 12 years in advance  Decide what your celebration will be like. Is it important to have a sit-down meal? An outdoor setting? Alcohol? Hard drugs? Polka band with tuba? Hand puppets?
 
Google each reception site you’re considering. Make sure it’s not next to a prison, high-rise construction site, airport runway, landfill or pig farm.
 
Become engaged.
 
12 to 18 months in advance  Get religion; join a church and find out about special requirements, like adult circumcision for the groom.
 
Select bridesmaids’ dresses with unflattering colors and styles so no one outshines you.
 
Remind the groom that cargo shorts and flip-flops are a no-no on the Big Day.
 
Choose party favors for your guests, such as a personalized sachet, matchbook, or candle they’ll throw away when they get home.
 
Eight to ten weeks in advance  Mail the invitations, with the RSVP line highlighted in yellow marker for bozos who never bother to reply.
 
There’s more to this story – and lots of others in White Lace and Panic: A Spoofbook on Weddings. For just 99 cents on Kindle, it’s a cheap & easy way to banish those wedding bell blues.