Hate parties? Despise your neighbors? Host a block party!

It’s my turn to host the neighborhood block party. But I hate parties, and I despise my neighbors. How can I duck out of this?
Don’t even try. Done right, it’s not only painless – it might even get you dis-invited from their parties from now until the end of time.
 
But it’s so much WORK!
Naah. People already expect to bring their own lawn chairs, so get creative with your invitation: “BYO lawn chair, drinks, napkins and utensils, salad, main dish, hot & cold sides, dessert, and sanitary hand gel.”
 
Why the hand gel? They’re not sharing food, so germ freaks should be OK.   
They won’t be OK with the rented Port-A-John in the middle of your driveway. Be sure to lock up the house so nobody sneaks into your bathroom.
 
I also hate lawn games like cornhole and jumbo Jenga.
Hire a bouncer to make sure those games don’t make it past your property line. Bored guests are more likely to leave early.
 
If some people still keep hanging around:

• Announce a “last call” for drinks. (And since everybody brought their own, this reinforces your reputation as a nutcase.)
• Turn off landscape lights and driveway lamps, go inside, and stay there.
• Let your dogs dash out of the house and do their business on the lawn.
• Crank up your outdoor speakers and blast “Achy Breaky Heart” or “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”

 
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