It’s my turn to host the neighborhood block party. But I hate parties, and I despise my neighbors. How can I duck out of this?
Don’t even try. Done right, it’s not only painless – it might even get you dis-invited from their parties from now until the end of time.
 
But it’s so much WORK!
Naah. People already expect to bring their own lawn chairs, so get creative with your invitation: “BYO lawn chair, drinks, napkins and utensils, salad, main dish, hot & cold sides, dessert, and sanitary hand gel.”
 
Why the hand gel? They’re not sharing food, so germ freaks should be OK.   
They won’t be OK with the rented Port-A-John in the middle of your driveway. Be sure to lock up the house so nobody sneaks into your bathroom.
 
I also hate lawn games like cornhole and jumbo Jenga.
Hire a bouncer to make sure those games don’t make it past your property line. Bored guests are more likely to leave early.
 
If some people still keep hanging around:

• Announce a “last call” for drinks. (And since everybody brought their own, this reinforces your reputation as a nutcase.)
• Turn off landscape lights and driveway lamps, go inside, and stay there.
• Let your dogs dash out of the house and do their business on the lawn.
• Crank up your outdoor speakers and blast “Achy Breaky Heart” or “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”

 
For billions of other absurd and pointless Q&A’s, check out Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions at Amazon in Kindle and paperback. 

Burned out by over-planned, over-packed, over-scheduled vacations? Join the cool new trend: random travel.
 
How do I begin?
On Day 1, roll out of bed. Toss a few pieces of clothing into a plastic bag with some snack chips, sugary drinks and beef jerky. Leave an open box of food on the counter for the cat.
 
Run out to the ATM and withdraw as much cash as you can. Tuck this bankroll in a safe place, like the waistband of your undies. Head back home and shoo the cat away from your beef jerky.
 
Now comes the really random moment. Close your eyes and stick a pushpin into a globe. If you don’t like where it landed (North Korea? Siberia?), try again. Keep going until you realize you don’t have enough cash for air travel.
 
Print a Google map of the area you can afford and stick the pushpin into it. Then bike, hitchhike, ride the bus, or take an Uber to your random vacation spot.
 
What happens next?
Once you arrive, savor the moment. Spread your arms, take a deep breath, look around and realize you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.
 
Your inner infant will panic, but hey, pushing beyond your comfort zone is what random travel is all about! Scan the crowds for someone who looks like they belong there (definitely not like you).
 
How should I mingle with the locals?
Strike up a conversation about what you belatedly realize you want to do:

• “Where’s the nearest topless beach?”
• “You got any bowling alleys around here?”
• “I’m looking for a spa that gives pedicures with little fish nibbling your toes.”

 
If you’re lucky, someone will lead you to a hidden gem not listed in any travel guides. If you’re unlucky, someone will lead you to a ripoff joint owned by their brother-in-law.
 
And then what?
Just keep winging it. Sightsee or bowl or shop until you drop, and then crash at the nearest Salvation Army shelter. Take pictures of the least-ugly scenery you can find. Follow your new local friends to a dark alley; practice your taekwondo skills to keep them from running off with your waistband of cash.
 
Sleep on the beach if there is one, or some other romantic spot, like a public playground bench. Make friends with local police officers as you explain that you’re a random traveler, not a vagrant who seems way too interested in kiddies on the playground.
 
How long does a typical random vacation last?
You’ll know it’s time to head home when…
…the cops suggest it.
…you run out of cash.
…your stress-induced rash becomes more itchy by the minute.
 
After you’ve dragged your depleted carcass back home, pat yourself on the back. You did it! You’re into the random-travel craze!
 
Fart around with your digital vacation pics until they look cool. Practice brag-stories: that blissful night on the beach (even if there wasn’t one)… crazy fun times with your new gang of friends (don’t mention the self-defense brawl).
 
And hang on to those pushpins for the next time you’re ready to roam!
 
For many other absurd and pointless Q&A’s, check out Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available in Kindle and paperback. 

Her turn “Friends told us a mixed marriage is tough, but I can deal with dog hair, dog breath, and the occasional rawhide chew hidden in the comforter. Our real problem is his extreme neediness.
 
“I’ve got a high-powered career. When I get home from work, I need time to decompress. For once, I’d like to sit on the sofa and sip a martini without a 90-pound dog on my lap.
 
“He also has this habit of licking off all my makeup. I get irritated and scold him, and then he whines and I feel guilty. Lately I’ve actually considered putting him in doggy day care for a while, but then there’d be no one guarding the house when I’m away. ”
 
His turn “Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof-woof-woof!”
 
The counselor’s turn “During our sessions, it became clear to me that the wife was the alpha dog in this marriage, and they both liked it that way.
 
“However, even a pack leader needs a little ‘alone’ time once in a while. We did some role-playing to help them communicate.
 
“I instructed her not to nag him when he intrudes on her space. Instead, she should give a low growl and nip his flank. He caught on immediately and retreated under the counseling couch.
 
“He also learned that face-licking is a turnoff for her. Now, when feeling needy, he rolls on his back in an endearing omega dog posture, which prompts her to scratch his belly.”
 
For more foolishness like this, take your pick: a billion more absurd and pointless Q&A's in  Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle; or For Pets' Sake: A Spoofbook on Pets, a 99-cent Kindle book about the critters we love to hate. 

Q. Whatever happened to everybody’s favorite deputy, Barney Fife?
 
Barney, former Deputy Sheriff of Mayberry, NC, is now a popular live model for human figure-drawing classes in his Florida retirement community.  
 
Although posing for artists might seem like a far cry from serving in a sheriff’s office, “Modeling and law enforcement both require grace under pressure,” Barney says. “Holding poses for hours takes tremendous mental focus.
 
“It’s like staking out a moonshine still, waiting for the perpetrator to return to the scene of the crime. They didn’t call me Fearless Fife for nothing.”
 
Dependability and professional conduct are modeling “musts.” In the Sip & Sketch wine/art class, “the ladies have been after me to pose as Michaelangelo’s ‘David,’ but I gave that a hard No. When a tipsy idea pops up, you’ve got to nip it in the bud.
 
“Anyway, my posing repertoire has everything they need: standing, sitting, reclining on my side with my head supported by one arm (they love that one), kneeling, and crouching as if I’m about to fire my service revolver.”
 
Barney lives in the 55+ gated community of Orange Blossoms A Go Go, Florida. Strolling around the Disney-like central town square reminds him of Mayberry, “with so many friendly people, the bandstand, and even a golf cart service station! It’s a dead ringer for Wally’s Filling Station where Gomer Pyle worked.”  
 
Orange Blossoms A Go Go is a safe place to live, Barney says, but “once a lawman, always a lawman, so I keep my trusty bullet handy. You never know when you’ll be called up to the front line in public defense.” 

Check out a billion more absurd and pointless topics in Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle. 

​My husband and I need to find a nanny for our children. Where do we begin? How do we know if they’re qualified?
 
The three best sources of nanny referrals are the local 4H club, county agriculture extension offices, and that smelly farm just outside your subdivision. Work only with establishments that thoroughly investigate their candidates: Are they comfortable with children? Are they fair and consistent in discipline? Have they been dewormed?
 
Be prepared to properly compensate for education and experience. Breed-registered nannies are worth the extra expense, since they lend prestige down the road when your child fills out college applications. 
 
Even after you’ve carefully explained that Nanny doesn’t take the place of Mommy and Daddy, young children may suffer species confusion. Watch for red flags like head-butting or clambering on the roof.
 
Stick to the terms of your nanny’s employment contract. Abide by the hours you’ve agreed upon, and don’t pull her by the choke collar.

There's a billion more absurd and pointless topics like this one in Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle. 

​Q. Sorry to interrupt your card game, Joe, but what did you think of the Super Bowl commercials? Any favorites?
A. Any favorite what?
Q. Commercials! You know – Turbotax? Dunkin’? Ritz Crackers?
A. Why the #*&@ would I give a $%)& about Ritz Crackers? My mother serves them to her canasta club, and she’s 97 years old.
Q. How about the halftime show?
A. You mean the dancing and flashing lights bit? Everybody looked alike. Wake me up when they have some Vegas headliners.
Q. But you must have been rooting for one team, right?
A. Yeah, me and my bookie. Now get the #(%$& outta here!