It’s my turn to host the neighborhood block party. But I hate parties, and I despise my neighbors. How can I duck out of this?
Don’t even try. Done right, it’s not only painless – it might even get you dis-invited from their parties from now until the end of time.
 
But it’s so much WORK!
Naah. People already expect to bring their own lawn chairs, so get creative with your invitation: “BYO lawn chair, drinks, napkins and utensils, salad, main dish, hot & cold sides, dessert, and sanitary hand gel.”
 
Why the hand gel? They’re not sharing food, so germ freaks should be OK.   
They won’t be OK with the rented Port-A-John in the middle of your driveway. Be sure to lock up the house so nobody sneaks into your bathroom.
 
I also hate lawn games like cornhole and jumbo Jenga.
Hire a bouncer to make sure those games don’t make it past your property line. Bored guests are more likely to leave early.
 
If some people still keep hanging around:

• Announce a “last call” for drinks. (And since everybody brought their own, this reinforces your reputation as a nutcase.)
• Turn off landscape lights and driveway lamps, go inside, and stay there.
• Let your dogs dash out of the house and do their business on the lawn.
• Crank up your outdoor speakers and blast “Achy Breaky Heart” or “All I Want For Christmas Is You.”

 
For billions of other absurd and pointless Q&A’s, check out Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions at Amazon in Kindle and paperback. 

Burned out by over-planned, over-packed, over-scheduled vacations? Join the cool new trend: random travel.
 
How do I begin?
On Day 1, roll out of bed. Toss a few pieces of clothing into a plastic bag with some snack chips, sugary drinks and beef jerky. Leave an open box of food on the counter for the cat.
 
Run out to the ATM and withdraw as much cash as you can. Tuck this bankroll in a safe place, like the waistband of your undies. Head back home and shoo the cat away from your beef jerky.
 
Now comes the really random moment. Close your eyes and stick a pushpin into a globe. If you don’t like where it landed (North Korea? Siberia?), try again. Keep going until you realize you don’t have enough cash for air travel.
 
Print a Google map of the area you can afford and stick the pushpin into it. Then bike, hitchhike, ride the bus, or take an Uber to your random vacation spot.
 
What happens next?
Once you arrive, savor the moment. Spread your arms, take a deep breath, look around and realize you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.
 
Your inner infant will panic, but hey, pushing beyond your comfort zone is what random travel is all about! Scan the crowds for someone who looks like they belong there (definitely not like you).
 
How should I mingle with the locals?
Strike up a conversation about what you belatedly realize you want to do:

• “Where’s the nearest topless beach?”
• “You got any bowling alleys around here?”
• “I’m looking for a spa that gives pedicures with little fish nibbling your toes.”

 
If you’re lucky, someone will lead you to a hidden gem not listed in any travel guides. If you’re unlucky, someone will lead you to a ripoff joint owned by their brother-in-law.
 
And then what?
Just keep winging it. Sightsee or bowl or shop until you drop, and then crash at the nearest Salvation Army shelter. Take pictures of the least-ugly scenery you can find. Follow your new local friends to a dark alley; practice your taekwondo skills to keep them from running off with your waistband of cash.
 
Sleep on the beach if there is one, or some other romantic spot, like a public playground bench. Make friends with local police officers as you explain that you’re a random traveler, not a vagrant who seems way too interested in kiddies on the playground.
 
How long does a typical random vacation last?
You’ll know it’s time to head home when…
…the cops suggest it.
…you run out of cash.
…your stress-induced rash becomes more itchy by the minute.
 
After you’ve dragged your depleted carcass back home, pat yourself on the back. You did it! You’re into the random-travel craze!
 
Fart around with your digital vacation pics until they look cool. Practice brag-stories: that blissful night on the beach (even if there wasn’t one)… crazy fun times with your new gang of friends (don’t mention the self-defense brawl).
 
And hang on to those pushpins for the next time you’re ready to roam!
 
For many other absurd and pointless Q&A’s, check out Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available in Kindle and paperback.