Her turn “Friends told us a mixed marriage is tough, but I can deal with dog hair, dog breath, and the occasional rawhide chew hidden in the comforter. Our real problem is his extreme neediness.
 
“I’ve got a high-powered career. When I get home from work, I need time to decompress. For once, I’d like to sit on the sofa and sip a martini without a 90-pound dog on my lap.
 
“He also has this habit of licking off all my makeup. I get irritated and scold him, and then he whines and I feel guilty. Lately I’ve actually considered putting him in doggy day care for a while, but then there’d be no one guarding the house when I’m away. ”
 
His turn “Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof-woof-woof!”
 
The counselor’s turn “During our sessions, it became clear to me that the wife was the alpha dog in this marriage, and they both liked it that way.
 
“However, even a pack leader needs a little ‘alone’ time once in a while. We did some role-playing to help them communicate.
 
“I instructed her not to nag him when he intrudes on her space. Instead, she should give a low growl and nip his flank. He caught on immediately and retreated under the counseling couch.
 
“He also learned that face-licking is a turnoff for her. Now, when feeling needy, he rolls on his back in an endearing omega dog posture, which prompts her to scratch his belly.”
 
For more foolishness like this, take your pick: a billion more absurd and pointless Q&A's in  Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle; or For Pets' Sake: A Spoofbook on Pets, a 99-cent Kindle book about the critters we love to hate. 

Q. Whatever happened to everybody’s favorite deputy, Barney Fife?
 
Barney, former Deputy Sheriff of Mayberry, NC, is now a popular live model for human figure-drawing classes in his Florida retirement community.  
 
Although posing for artists might seem like a far cry from serving in a sheriff’s office, “Modeling and law enforcement both require grace under pressure,” Barney says. “Holding poses for hours takes tremendous mental focus.
 
“It’s like staking out a moonshine still, waiting for the perpetrator to return to the scene of the crime. They didn’t call me Fearless Fife for nothing.”
 
Dependability and professional conduct are modeling “musts.” In the Sip & Sketch wine/art class, “the ladies have been after me to pose as Michaelangelo’s ‘David,’ but I gave that a hard No. When a tipsy idea pops up, you’ve got to nip it in the bud.
 
“Anyway, my posing repertoire has everything they need: standing, sitting, reclining on my side with my head supported by one arm (they love that one), kneeling, and crouching as if I’m about to fire my service revolver.”
 
Barney lives in the 55+ gated community of Orange Blossoms A Go Go, Florida. Strolling around the Disney-like central town square reminds him of Mayberry, “with so many friendly people, the bandstand, and even a golf cart service station! It’s a dead ringer for Wally’s Filling Station where Gomer Pyle worked.”  
 
Orange Blossoms A Go Go is a safe place to live, Barney says, but “once a lawman, always a lawman, so I keep my trusty bullet handy. You never know when you’ll be called up to the front line in public defense.” 

Check out a billion more absurd and pointless topics in Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle. 

​My husband and I need to find a nanny for our children. Where do we begin? How do we know if they’re qualified?
 
The three best sources of nanny referrals are the local 4H club, county agriculture extension offices, and that smelly farm just outside your subdivision. Work only with establishments that thoroughly investigate their candidates: Are they comfortable with children? Are they fair and consistent in discipline? Have they been dewormed?
 
Be prepared to properly compensate for education and experience. Breed-registered nannies are worth the extra expense, since they lend prestige down the road when your child fills out college applications. 
 
Even after you’ve carefully explained that Nanny doesn’t take the place of Mommy and Daddy, young children may suffer species confusion. Watch for red flags like head-butting or clambering on the roof.
 
Stick to the terms of your nanny’s employment contract. Abide by the hours you’ve agreed upon, and don’t pull her by the choke collar.

There's a billion more absurd and pointless topics like this one in Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle. 

​Q. Sorry to interrupt your card game, Joe, but what did you think of the Super Bowl commercials? Any favorites?
A. Any favorite what?
Q. Commercials! You know – Turbotax? Dunkin’? Ritz Crackers?
A. Why the #*&@ would I give a $%)& about Ritz Crackers? My mother serves them to her canasta club, and she’s 97 years old.
Q. How about the halftime show?
A. You mean the dancing and flashing lights bit? Everybody looked alike. Wake me up when they have some Vegas headliners.
Q. But you must have been rooting for one team, right?
A. Yeah, me and my bookie. Now get the #(%$& outta here!