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Today’s model trains are way more realistic than the toys you grew up with: ordinary cars going round and round and round in circlezzzz. Check out these ghastly lifelike collections.
Derailment kits include bent railway tracks, fire-gutted freight cars, and toxic chemicals to spill across your layout. Optional civilian evacuation packages available. Third World sets provide rickety, dilapidated passenger cars with hundreds of riders piled on top and clinging to the sides. Often sold at a discount when purchased with derailment kits. “Urban art” freight cars come in two options: pre-decorated with gang graffiti, and do-it-yourself kits of tiny taggers holding microscopic cans of spray paint. Metro trolley starter sets offer ugly clusters of overhead wire above pavement pitted with metal tracks that gouge your miniature autos’ tires. Usually offered in sections covering three city blocks on which the trolley lurches much slower than your miniature pedestrians can walk. Sold by subscription only. Prices begin at $3 billion and automatically increase when the initial setup gets zero ridership and your miniature city council votes to expand the route. Photo by Martin Vorel, LibreShot.com Looks stunning from the air. From its jagged, blinding-white surface, not so much.
The snazzy rental paddleboard that got you there can handle only two gallons of drinking water. This will last about 5 minutes; then it’s time to head back to the resort. Which will be OK, because… …there’s nothing to do on the atoll but shield your eyes from the scorching sun. Oh, and notice all the sharks gathering in the shoals. Technically, an atoll should have a lagoon at its center. This one has a small hole emitting sulphorous vapor. Another reason to stay only 5 minutes. Aw, heck, the only fun thing about No Bikini Atoll is telling everybody its name when you get back home. And you don’t need to step onto its knife-edged shore to do that. So lie back in your beach chair and order another pina colada. According to the World Happiness Report, Norway is one of the happiest countries in the world. I’m happy for them, truly happy. I’m even happier that I don’t live there.
First off, their default greeting is “Hi hi!” Friends at a restaurant: “Hi hi!” People passing on the street: “Hi hi!” Annoying telemarketers: “Hi hi!” Overhearing this would drive me bonkers. I’d mutter “Bah, humbug” and be outed as just another cranky American. Norwegians love exercising in the great outdoors. So do I. But there’s a catch: all of their exercise depends on snow. Cross-country skiing on snow. Building snowmen, snowwomen or snowpersons. Climbing snow-covered mountains named Galdhopiggen and Snohetta. As for me, having barely survived winters in the Upper Midwest, snow is a cruel and unusual punishment. Strike two. At mealtime I would fail miserably. I like food that’s edible. Or, at the very least, it should be food. Not fish soaked in lye, or cooked sheep’s head, or potato balls. Strike three, I’m out. And finally, there’s geography, which is strike four. Much of Norway lies above the Arctic Circle (brrr). Norway shares a border with Russia (uh-oh). Despite being much bigger and closer to Greenland than Denmark is, Norwegians somehow slipped up and let the Danes claim that huge island (duh). So, I’m sorry, Norway. You’ll have to carry on without me. Bye-bye! Feeling pressured to do something on Valentine’s Day yet afraid of sticky romantic commitment? The following odd activities will leave your sorta-sweetie in limbo. They know it’s the thought that counts, but they can’t imagine what the thought actually is. Order custom candy hearts printed “Not sure,” “Ask later” and “Meh.” Cuddle up on the couch to stream a romantic Joe Pesci movie like "Casino" or "Goodfellas." Tell them to drop everything for a surprise visit to an exotic destination. Drive to the airport. Walk them through the terminal to Starbucks. Take a seat and yell “Surprise! We’re here!” A kitten or a pair of lovebirds shout "Commitment cliche!" Give them a hamster instead. A gift of cash says, "I don't know what you like. Go buy your own doggone present." On date night, visit the natural-history museum. Crack nerdy jokes about the naked men hunting a Woolly Mammoth.
Others have wolves, lions or bears. My spirit animal is Donald Duck, who…
…squawks loudly and often. …craves the limelight (and gets jealous when others have it). …is chronically frustrated by just about everything. …runs around a lot without ever really getting anywhere. Zen for babies: finding your bliss Hey, all you bundles of joy! It’s never too early to get in touch with your inner infant. These simple practices can help you “be all that you can be,” baby.
Strengthen your self-control Close your eyes and focus on a positive intention, like “Just for today, I will wait at least 10 minutes after a diaper change before pooping again.” Stop drinking milk before you’re full. Bite down hard and push away. (Bonus points if the nipple belongs to Mom!) Inhabit a sacred space Lie on your back in your crib. Stare at the mobile overhead and imagine how much it might fetch on eBay. Use creative changes Vary your routine. Stick your left hand inside your mouth one day, your right hand the next. Express yourself Move beyond the cliché babbling and “wah-wah-wahs.” Experiment with baboon hoots, machine-gun rasps and blood-curdling shrieks until you find your perfect mantra. “The Crown” – Still more scenes we’d like to see: Castle fire, the naughty red nightie, and tea for three |
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