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 Ever feel your life is so crazy you could use an extra head? At Give Us This Day Our Daily Head, Inc., we’ve got the perfect solution.
Our exclusive Head of the Week Club provides a selection of heads for all occasions. Join now and get Happy Head absolutely free! Then, each week, you’ll receive another one of our state-of-the-art noggins: Angry Head, Astonished Head, Nauseated Head, Suspicious Head, Menacing Head and Victorious Head. Quantities are limited, so subscribe today! Heads subject to availability. We reserve the right to substitute other heads of equal or lesser value at our discretion. Each head billed in three installments of $99.95 plus $145 shipping and handling.  You might want to stiff the MRI radiographer... Tipping “prompts” like the ones you see at fast-food checkouts haven’t yet reached most U.S. hospitals. But that doesn’t let you off the hook.
Medical professionals prefer a more discreet approach, like a small envelope slipped into their gloved hand. As with all tips, when in doubt, give more. You don’t want to be remembered as the cheapskate five-percenter when that same MD does your next colonoscopy ten years from now. Here’s a guide to appropriate amounts. Mammogram Basic service 20%. Deduct 10% for excruciating pressure, 5% for cold hands. Ob-gyn Basic service 20%. Add 5% for remembering whether or not you’ve been trying to get pregnant before they announce that you are. Add 10% six months later for showing up at least three minutes before baby emerges. Ambulance crew Driver 20%, provided they steer around major potholes. Medics 20%, or 30% if they distract you from the pain with witty conversation, jokes, or puppet shows. Surgeon Brain 50%, heart 40%, other organs 35%. Deduct 10% for each surgical instrument left inside after incision has been stitched. Urologist Basic service 30%, with 5% deduction for decades-old jokes about the procedure you’re about to undergo. Dermatologist Basic service 30%. Deduct 10% for repeatedly saying nothing but “Hmmmm” for 5 minutes while examining that weird growth on your nose. Cosmetic surgeon Basic service 30%. Add 5% for each individual procedure, like a mini brow lift or eyelid reduction. Deduct 15% if you wind up looking perpetually surprised or tight as a drum. Radiographer Basic service 20%. No tip if they forget you’re in the MRI scanner and go on their lunch break.  Buying your first horse? When visiting a breeder, demonstrate your shrewd horse-trading skills with these questions.
1. How much are you asking for this horse? (Pick yourself up from the barn floor.) Seriously? (Catch your breath.) Do you take American Express? 2. Is this a boy horse or a girl horse? 3. What are those iron things on the bottom of its feet? Do they come in different colors? 4. Has the horse had any professional training? Acting lessons? Dancing lessons? 5. Does this horse have any bad habits like biting people, stepping on people, or kidnapping people? 6. Has the horse ever had hip replacement surgery or a facelift? 7. Why are you laughing at me? For billions of other absurd and pointless topics like this one, check out Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions. Click here to see it in paperback and Kindle formats at Amazon.  “Easter baskets? Kids these days don’t just get Easter candy. They get baskets full of toys, games, credit cards and whatnot.
“In my day we didn’t get any gol-dang Easter baskets. Sometimes the old man would hide a few eggs in the yard, if he wasn’t too hung over. Those weren’t colored eggs, either. They weren’t even hard-boiled! Try carrying a bunch of eggs when half of them are cracked open and running between your fingers. “Then my mom screamed at us to bring in what was left. She made an omelet that always had bits of eggshells in it or grass or even dog shit if you weren’t careful. “So don’t tell me about these fancy schmancy Easter baskets! Bah!! Humbug!!!”  Hey there, Ms African Animal! When those photo-safari Jeeps pull up to your favorite watering hole, you’ll want to look your very best. Check out our spring fashion guidelines.
Giraffe Scarves visually shorten the awkwardness of an endless neck. Opt for solid-color wool or linens, draped in casual loops. Lion Your color season, Tawny, lends itself to mid-length velvet skirts and classic cashmere sweater sets, topped with a string of pearls. Hippo Vertical stripes and matching separates create an illusion of slenderness. Avoid chunky belts, tank tops and yoga pants. Spitting cobra Lucky you, slim and sinuous! Form-fitting athleisure wear complements your perfect figure. Avoid silk garments that tend to bunch up as you slither.  Chihuahuas are descended from the Mexican tortilla. Despite being the smallest dog breed in the world, they are also the biggest bullies. They've been known to scare off a charging 900-pound American bison from a suburban back yard.
Their “pocket dog” nature makes Chihuahuas vulnerable to being left in the laundry. Luckily they are also good swimmers and gymnasts who take naturally to tumbling. Some Chihuahuas loath every person they meet; others make exceptions for people who feed them. They tend to bite people’s ankles, since that’s about as high as they can reach – unless they’re picked up and carried, in which case they tend to bite forearms. A Chihuahua that rides around in its owner’s purse is technically not a dog but rather a variant of ferret. Chihuahuas are also one of the few dog breeds that tolerate wearing rhinestone-studded collars without shame. With their thin skin and nonexistent coats, Chihuahuas seek out warmth. They tunnel into blankets and towels, hide under couch cushions, and hang out near nuclear reactors. Chihuahuas can be quite difficult to housetrain. They’re so small that they figure they can get away with it. The dog’s 0.5-micron bladder simply can’t hold more than a drop or two of urine. Chihuahuas are extremely fragile. They can be injured when someone touches them, swears loudly, or sneezes. They may also suffer a stroke as they go ballistic to prevent an intruder (for instance, your teenager) from entering the dog’s perceived territory (the teen’s bedroom). For more pet-lovers' guilty pleasures, check out "For Pets' Sake" ...click HERE  Remember blackboards? In my school days, when dinosaurs roamed the earth, every schoolroom had a blackboard front and center. But now they’re being insidiously replaced by whiteboards.
That’s a shame, because blackboards are superior in every way. When the teacher grabbed that chalk, you knew she meant business. The sudden screeeech of chalk against board made kids sit up and cover their ears. At the end of a school day, some lucky kid got to erase all the chalk off the board. Then they’d clean the erasers by banging them together (over somebody’s head, if the teacher wasn’t looking). Chalk is much cheaper than whiteboard markers, which dry out quickly – and then what are you going to use? A fountain pen? Machine oil? Blood? Blackboards have a rich cultural history. Can you imagine J. Robert Oppenheimer postulating theoretical physics formulas with a purple felt-tip pen? His reputation would have evaporated faster than the fumes. Speaking of fumes, forcing a naughty student to write “I will not set fire to my desk” 100 times on a whiteboard is just asking for an inquiry from Child Protective Services. And finally: Whiteboards don’t always erase completely. You might be left with a permanent background image of the USDA Food Pyramid.  Shedded hair on the sofa… broken vases… claw marks on the antique armchair. Even the sweetest tabby becomes a one-critter demolition crew when you’re not looking. If lame advice from decorating “experts” has you rolling your eyes, check out our smartass alternatives.
They say: Buy a sofa that matches your cat’s coat. We say: Dye your cat’s coat to match the sofa. Install wool carpeting with an intricate pattern to disguise pee and poop stains. Like you can afford wool, right? Buy Walmart’s cheapest area rug; replace it when the stench becomes unbearable. Wrap armchairs with fabric throws. Tuck in tightly. Wrap fabric throws around the cat. Knot tightly. Use museum gel to affix bases of precious glassware to the mantelpiece. Buy plastic vases at the dollar store. Knocking them off the shelf gives the cat something to do. Hang plants out of the cat’s reach. From the chandelier. Photo courtesy of Martin Vorel, LibreShot.com  Today’s model trains are way more realistic than the toys you grew up with: ordinary cars going round and round and round in circlezzzz. Check out these ghastly lifelike collections.
Derailment kits include bent railway tracks, fire-gutted freight cars, and toxic chemicals to spill across your layout. Optional civilian evacuation packages available. Third World sets provide rickety, dilapidated passenger cars with hundreds of riders piled on top and clinging to the sides. Often sold at a discount when purchased with derailment kits. “Urban art” freight cars come in two options: pre-decorated with gang graffiti, and do-it-yourself kits of tiny taggers holding microscopic cans of spray paint. Metro trolley starter sets offer ugly clusters of overhead wire above pavement pitted with metal tracks that gouge your miniature autos’ tires. Usually offered in sections covering three city blocks on which the trolley lurches much slower than your miniature pedestrians can walk. Sold by subscription only. Prices begin at $3 billion and automatically increase when the initial setup gets zero ridership and your miniature city council votes to expand the route. Photo by Martin Vorel, LibreShot.com  Looks stunning from the air. From its jagged, blinding-white surface, not so much.
The snazzy rental paddleboard that got you there can handle only two gallons of drinking water. This will last about 5 minutes; then it’s time to head back to the resort. Which will be OK, because… …there’s nothing to do on the atoll but shield your eyes from the scorching sun. Oh, and notice all the sharks gathering in the shoals. Technically, an atoll should have a lagoon at its center. This one has a small hole emitting sulphorous vapor. Another reason to stay only 5 minutes. Aw, heck, the only fun thing about No Bikini Atoll is telling everybody its name when you get back home. And you don’t need to step onto its knife-edged shore to do that. So lie back in your beach chair and order another pina colada. |