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 Looking for a difficult, weird and stressful Thanksgiving recipe? You got it!
Eternity Roast Turkey Active time: 21 hours Total time: 47 hours (includes three freak-out periods) Serves: all dinner guests who become overnight guests while waiting for the meal to be served Ingredients
Directions Begin placing turkey pieces across three wire racks. Realize you have only one wire rack. Frantically phone neighbors and friends; drive across town and borrow two more. Explain to guests that turkey is still eons away from doneness. Convert sleeper sofa to bed. Serve them eggnog spiked with absinthe. Mix seasonings with brown sugar, using your fingers. Lick fingers frequently as a reward for running all over town to borrow wire racks. Sprinkle remaining sugar over the turkey pieces on wire racks. Place each rack over a cookie baking pan. Attempt to refrigerate overnight. Realize there’s not enough room in the fridge. Place two racks in the freezer. Set alarm to wake you twice during the night to rotate all three racks of turkey. Wake up in a panic at dawn when your alarm goes off for the third time. Remove turkey from refrigerator / freezer. Let stand for one hour, someplace where the cat can’t get at it. Pick cat hair off turkey pieces. Pour toxic raw-turkey liquid from each cookie sheet down the drain. Pat turkey with paper towel and murmur “Sorry about this.” Stare at turnip and wonder what you were thinking, since you’ve always hated turnips. Shove turnip down garbage disposal. Realize the drain is clogged with turkey fat; scream for your spouse to fix it. Take a sedative and lie down for 30 minutes. Realize you should have preheated oven to 350 degrees half an hour ago. Set oven at 700 degrees to compensate. Brush melted butter over turkey pieces with a baking brush, craft-paint brush or lightly used toothbrush. Awaken your overnight guests and announce that it’s cocktail hour. Serve leftover eggnog. Roast turkey until a relatively clean finger inserted into the breast bone comes out with second-degree burns. Sprinkle jimmies over all pieces of turkey so this main dish doubles as the dessert course. And that’s all there is to it. Bon appetit! There’s more insanity where this came from in Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions. Check it out HERE at Amazon. A great stocking stuffer that keeps the giftee wondering whether you think they’re a smartass or a dumbass.  If you think this cartoony leech is ugly, you should see the real thing. It takes a special kind of person to enjoy mountaineering. Namely, stupid. How else to explain the compulsion to climb sheer walls of ice, rock and snow just to reach the Death Zone (26,000 feet) where oxygen is too thin for survival?
Let’s look at symptoms of the Obsessive Climbing Disorder. Dumber than a leech. One climber recalled plodding through a swamp toward the mountain base: “The leeches were smarter than us” (d’ya think?) because they flourished at low altitude and hitched a free ride on the climbers’ bodies. BYO. Back in the day, BYO meant bringing your own beverage for a wild night of partying. For high-altitude climbing, it means Bring Your Oxygen. If you run out of oxygen tanks, the party's over. Bad choices for resting comfortably. In the medical tent at 20,000 ft, someone said to be “resting comfortably” may have anything from a head-splitting migraine to a fatal lung embolism. If you’re truly smarter than a leech, wave goodbye to the climbing party as they head for the Nepalese mountain base; then chill with the legendary stoners of Kathmandu. Now that’s resting comfortably. …And the idiocy goes on, from gym-wall climbers to ice climbers to suicidal high-altitude climbers. Stupid is as stupid does: it’s all laid out for your reading pleasure in The Dumb Zone: A snarky look at your obsessive climbing disorder. Available in paperback and Kindle format. Click HERE to view it at Amazon.  Don't you just hate getting outclimbed by a 5-year-old? Mental blocks create big problems for gym-wall climbers. Most common are fear of failing, fear of falling, and fear of being stuck near the ceiling at closing time when they turn off all the lights. These are understandable, but don’t let them stop you – unless you make a habit of failing, falling, and getting stranded after hours.
In that case you should listen to your amygdala, the primitive part of your brain that shouts “Knock it off, dummy!” Ask the gym for a refund, or try a piece of equipment that sits closer to the ground, like a recumbent stationary bike. But let’s say you somehow inched your way up the steepest gym wall. That doesn’t mean you’re a climber. More of a creeper, like a bedbug. Let’s take a second look at some important gym-climbing climbing facts I didn’t mention earlier.
Whether you love adventure climbing or think it’s the dumbest thing since line dancing, you’ll like The Dumb Zone: A snarky look at your obsessive climbing disorder. Click HERE to check it out at Amazon.  Your new puppy doesn’t give a shit about Election 2024. But he does give a shit on your expensive oriental carpet. And your cozy alpaca throw. And your imported Egyptian reed bathmat. Catching up with him (always a moment too late) takes your mind off the stupid election all day.
Once he’s emptied his colon, Pup will apply his sharp, pointy little teeth to your custom woodwork, designer shoes, vintage handbags, and couch cushions. Election-night coverage will flit by without making a dent in your conscious mind. Finally, you and Pup lie side by side, exhausted, in a deep sleep on that filthy carpet. In the morning you’ll repeat the sequence, along with chaotic feeding times… walks with Pup biting the leash and dragging you down the sidewalk… and random “zoomies” around the living room, breaking every breakable object plus some you didn’t realize were breakable, like antique chairs. And so it goes, day after day, until a month from now when someone mentions the November election, and you say, “What election?” Want more? My 99-cent Spoofbook For Pets’ Sake provides a pet-lovers’ guilty pleasure about dogs, cats, and all the other animals that own us. Click here to see it at Amazon.  Thank you for purchase Mr. Digital Thermometer. Please read following instruction to be getting best result of honorable friendly thermometer.
Thermometer take temperature in underarm, rectal or mouth. Be sure clean thoroughly before placing in mouth, especially if last used in rectal. Clean your friend with soft cloth and isopropyl alcohol. If no isopropyl alcohol is there, dry gin may substitute. Do not bite, swallow, or speak harshly to Mr. Thermometer in presence of others, causing him to lose face. Your heatness may increase due to exercise, hot bath, or march in anti-government protest. Do not talk or eat Hunan spicy noodles during take temperature. Mr. Thermometer appreciate being placed in his case with many praises after use. Your honorable friendly thermometer made in China by YengChan Ltd and is guarantee to last two or three uses. Our motto: You pay cheap. What you expect?  So you’ve been wearing your headphones 24/7 for, like, for-ever. And now you absolutely must remove them ASAP! because you just bought prettier ones. But the old pair is stuck to your head? Gaaakk!!!
Chill, baby. We’ve got several foolproof schemes. Lubricants like olive oil, WD-40 (ask Grandpa) or lard (ask Grandma) might work. Squeeze lubricant under the headphone cushions on either side. Gently move cushions in a circular motion until they slide free. Then read the lubricant’s label instructions to learn whether you can wash it off your skin. Sneak into your high school’s metal shop class. Ask the mechanics-in-training to stick a crowbar between the plastic band and your skull. They might even earn extra credit for this project. Try out for wrestling. Your opponents will eagerly attack your wussie “ear protectors.” One of them is bound to pull them off, or die trying. …and if these schemes go drastically wrong, head for the ER. They’ll have a surgical saw to finish the job.  The Ghost of Kleenex Past: make 'em sorry they invited you. Dreading a mandatory Halloween costume party hosted by your boss, neighbor or in-laws? These passive-aggressive shitty costumes make it clear you tried as little as possible. With any luck, you won’t be invited next year.
The Ghost of Kleenex Past Adorn yourself in wastebasket tissues covered with snot, bloodstains and what-the-heck-is-that gunk. Bonus: this outfit leaves incredibly annoying bits of tissue clinging to carpeting, furniture and other guests. Cigarette butt Wrap yourself in sturdy white poster board, crinkled in several dimensions. For the “filter,” slide a tube of amber poster board over your head. This is the perfect costume if you’re sedentary: you can sit on your ash all evening. Centipede Persuade 99 of your closest friends to wear green trash bags and form a conga line. Station yourself at the insect’s head, ’cause the tail gets left outside in the cold. Skunk While a skunk costume is cliché, carrying a squirt bottle of genuine skunk juice elevates the entire ensemble. Error 404 With a black Sharpie, write across the front of an old t-shirt: Error 404 Costume not found. The other guests, having never Googled “cheap last-minute costumes,” will think you’re incredibly witty. You needn’t tell them you got the idea from me, who in turn got it by Googling “cheap last-minute costumes.”  Smile for your six followers on Instagram! Splurging on a jam-packed “if this is Tuesday, it must be Belgium” group tour this year? Check your selfies every night. You might discover something just in time. For instance:
None of your Vatican photos show the background. All they show is you and your companion’s head. Oh well, there’s more Vaticans later on, right? That swarthy guy with a handgun tucked into his pants who stood glowering behind you in Athens also shows up in Munich… and Amsterdam… and Barcelona. You might want to alert your tour guide. Unless you realize he IS your tour guide. In one ancient French castle, a small fire is breaking out from an upper window. The next morning you learn that the castle has burned to the ground. Quick, try to sell your photo to Reuters. The big blob behind your head in Venice is either a flock of pigeons or a UFO. Which one will go viral on social media? Post that one.  If there's only room for one in that shelter, make sure it's you. Let’s say that for no apparent reason, you’ve been asked to lead a backcountry hike. This requires keeping everybody together, from the slowest beginner to the most impatient veteran climber. Ha. Good luck with that. Here are some strategies to use if you feel like it.
--Excerpted from the newly released spoof The Dumb Zone: A snarky look at your Obsessive Climbing Disorder by Leah Carson. Check it out here.  1. There are no planes taxiing by. Only boats.
2. The air doesn't smell like dirty carpeting and stale pretzels. 3. A clownfish just jumped into your carry-on. 4. Instead of Muzak, you hear seagulls. 5. Nobody's kicking the back of your seat. |