Got a last-minute urge to appear in a major metropolitan parade even though you don’t possess valuable skills like baton twirling or tuba playing? Here's a step-by-step plan that’ll get you into the parade and noticed by all.

1. Borrow or rent a black SUV or limousine with tinted windows.

2. Ask several friends to dress in dark suits with white shirts and ties. Your own clothing should also be conservative: no flip-flops, cargo shorts, or bare midriffs. 

3. Fasten small U.S. flags, upright, to all four corners of the vehicle. 

4. During the height of the parade, approach the route from a side street. Have your driver inch the vehicle into the route as your bodyguards ask spectators to move aside.

5. Once you’re in the parade, step out of the vehicle and walk the route. Wave to spectators, “recognize” some people, and shake hands without making eye
contact. 

6. Every so often, your bodyguards should speak tersely into their suit collars.

7. To test the effectiveness of your charade, hand out ballpoint pens imprinted “Vote for [your name].” Come November, see how many write-in votes you get.

Most municipalities ban retail sales of all but the wimpiest fireworks. To find out where to buy the good kind, ask your cousin Melvern, the guy with two fingers missing from his left hand.

Fireworks that burst in two or three phases are called multi-break shells; those that send spirals outward in skittering paths are called serpentines; and those that set fire to your neighbor’s roof are called Exhibit A.

Some websites offer safety tips for setting up your home fireworks show, but you aren’t going to read them anyway, so we won’t list the websites here.

Experts warn that ordinary sparklers can burn skin, set clothing on fire, and produce  permanent eye damage — so they may be more fun than you thought.

Dispose of all smoldering remnants in a metal container that’s been wetted down. That empty half-barrel of beer you and your friends just finished off would be ideal.

Independence Day picnics are a festive tradition — if you’re a human. For wildlife, they’re a major pain in the butt. 

Just imagine if a crowd suddenly invaded your back yard, bringing tantalizing food and then shooing you away when you came to investigate. No fair!

That’s what we like about this makeover, as a brown bear takes matters into his own hands … er, paws.

Notice the serenity of the “after” shot, with humans  banished and the bear partaking of chilled Gatorade and salami sandwiches. Tonight he’ll sleep comfortably in a Coleman camper, wrapped in the luxury of a $650 Eddie Bauer sleeping bag.
 
COMING NEXT MONTH
Moray eels reclaim their beach at an oceanside park. 
 

Clownaphobia, the perfectly normal fear of strangers who appear in public wearing face paint and giant shoes, is expected to peak over the July 4th holiday.

According to Dr. Warren Pease, a psychiatrist at the University of Motown, clown sightings skyrocket during holiday parades and carnivals.

“This fear is embedded in our popular culture,” notes Dr. Pease, “as well it should be. You really don’t know who’s under that fright wig or what they’re hiding in that baggy suit.”

Dr. Pease offers tips for clownaphobia sufferers:
« Sit far back from the curb when watching a parade. Clowns usually don’t venture beyond the first row.
« Avoid eye contact with the clown.
« If a clown approaches, back away slowly, keeping your arms at your sides. Avoid nervous giggling, as this triggers the clown’s predatory instincts.
« Check your yard each morning. Discarded squirting flowers, twistable balloons, and empty clown cars indicate an overnight visit. You’d be wise to set out cardboard containers of Clown-B-Gone, available at most major garden centers.
« For increased security, carry a custard pie whenever you go out during peak clown season. In most states, this is not considered a concealed weapon.   

​You might have noticed that Queen Elizabeth II has a thing about hats. Some are inspired by Dr. Suess’s “The Cat in the Hat,” others by the Mad Hatter of “Alice in Wonderland,” and still others by Kentucky Derby hats seen on socialites who’ve had too many mint juleps.

The queen’s hats are festooned with ribbons, feathers, pompoms, flowers made of folded Kleenex, scraps of vintage wallpaper, random pieces from old games of Clue, Stone Age arrowheads, marbles, and Silly Putty. None of these come cheap. The Royal Milliner sources her material from all over the world, and the moment a seller realizes that the Windsors are involved, the asking price (even for marbles) rises exponentially. 
​
For other absurd and pointless topics, including Inferior Decorating, Dumb Household Hints, and The Life-Changing Magic of Compulsively Folding Your Socks, check out "Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions" 
at Amazon (please see my Books web page).

Redeeming Love
Rated H for hokey
 
It’s the 1850s gold rush on the western frontier. Dirt farmer Hosea (subtle reference to the Biblical Hosea) asks God to send him a wife. Dirt farming must be really profitable: Hosea lives in a spacious open-plan wooden farmhouse with a huge matching barn. His free-range sheep never get lost or eaten by wolves. Even his garden thrives without a fence to keep out hungry critters. God must be all-in on Hosea.
 
So it comes as a nasty shock when God points out Hosea’s future wife, a prostitute named Angel (subtle reference to an angel). She’s in such high demand that Madam Duchess raffles off her services to horny gold prospectors.
 
Brothel barroom:  
Hosea: Howdy, ma’am. I want to buy a session with Angel.
Duchess: Why should I sell you a session for $5 when I can get $70 with the raffle?
Hosea: I’ll pay you $10.
Duchess: OK.
 
Angel’s quarters:
Hosea: Howdy, miss. I’m just a humble dirt farmer sent by God to rescue you.
Angel: If you’re just a humble dirt farmer, how come your clothes are so clean?
Hosea: I’m far from perfect. You should see my underwear.
 
Spoiler alert! Well, on second thought, you knew this was coming: Hosea takes sullen, cynical Angel back to his dirt farm.
Angel: All right, let’s get this over with. (She flops onto the bed.)
Hosea: Oh, no, miss. I’m sleeping in the barn.
Angel: Are you gay?
 
Over time, with Hosea’s patient coaxing, Angel realizes the joys of slopping the pigs, mucking the horse stalls, and harvesting the dirt.
Angel: Oh, how I love being a farm wife!
--The End-- 

You may snicker at finicky cats or recoil from somebody’s pet snake. But snakes or cats – yes, even Siamese cats – or even alligators make better pets than sugar gliders.
 
Sugar gliders are exotic pocket pets that look like the product of a one-night stand between a racoon and a flying squirrel. Among their charming habits:
 

• If you pick them up first thing in the morning, they urinate all over your arm.
• They have sharp claws and teeth, and will bite if you try to keep them from crawling up your arm first thing in the morning.
• They cannot be potty-trained, either first thing in the morning or any other time of day.
• They create a stinky mess of urine and scattered food around their cage. It’s rather like putting a naked baby in a high chair.
• They are nocturnal animals that bark in the middle of the night.
• They live as long as 15 years. That’s a lot of urine and sleepless nights.
• They require live insects and other special foods; there’s no such thing as Purina Sugar Glider Chow. And despite their name, they shouldn’t be fed refined sugars like Kool-Aid, Captain Crunch cereal, or cotton candy.

 
So there you have it. If you ever want to wreak serious revenge on someone, urge them to get a sugar glider – "the best pet ever!" 

For more pet lovers' guilty pleasures, check out my 99-cent Kindle book "For Pets' Sake" on Amazon: click here.