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"There must be an idea in here somewhere..." |
Clownaphobia Reaches Fever Pitch Be afraid. Be very afraid. Clownaphobia, the perfectly normal fear of strangers who appear in public wearing face paint and giant shoes, is expected to peak over the July 4th holiday.
According to Dr. Warren Pease, a psychiatrist at the University of Motown, clown sightings skyrocket during holiday parades and carnivals. “This fear is embedded in our popular culture,” notes Dr. Pease, “as well it should be. You really don’t know who’s under that fright wig or what they’re hiding in that baggy suit.” Dr. Pease offers tips for clownaphobia sufferers: « Sit far back from the curb when watching a parade. Clowns usually don’t venture beyond the first row. « Avoid eye contact with the clown. « If a clown approaches, back away slowly, keeping your arms at your sides. Avoid nervous giggling, as this triggers the clown’s predatory instincts. « Check your yard each morning. Discarded squirting flowers, twistable balloons, and empty clown cars indicate an overnight visit. You’d be wise to set out cardboard containers of Clown-B-Gone, available at most major garden centers. « For increased security, carry a custard pie whenever you go out during peak clown season. In most states, this is not considered a concealed weapon.  You might have noticed that Queen Elizabeth II has a thing about hats. Some are inspired by Dr. Suess’s “The Cat in the Hat,” others by the Mad Hatter of “Alice in Wonderland,” and still others by Kentucky Derby hats seen on socialites who’ve had too many mint juleps.
The queen’s hats are festooned with ribbons, feathers, pompoms, flowers made of folded Kleenex, scraps of vintage wallpaper, random pieces from old games of Clue, Stone Age arrowheads, marbles, and Silly Putty. None of these come cheap. The Royal Milliner sources her material from all over the world, and the moment a seller realizes that the Windsors are involved, the asking price (even for marbles) rises exponentially. For other absurd and pointless topics, including Inferior Decorating, Dumb Household Hints, and The Life-Changing Magic of Compulsively Folding Your Socks, check out "Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions" at Amazon (please see my Books web page).  And on the seventh day, God made a list of everything completed during the previous six days, and checked them off the list one by one.
And She saw that it was very good. The Plumber's Gambit & four other idiotic ways to cheat at chess Nice opening move if you can get away with it. So you want to be a chess grandmaster without years of boring study and practice? No problem. These idiotic shortcuts will confound your opponents and send them fleeing in disgust. Checkmate!
The Plumber’s Gambit Show up two hours late for the match, carrying a heavy bag of tools. Turn your back on your opponent and crouch over the bag, exposing six inches of prime real estate above your drooping beltline. The Sicilian Defense Drop an oily, smelly package of newspaper next to the chessboard. Open it to reveal a slab of dead fish. The Pearl Harbor Attack Pick up one of your more powerful pieces (the tall ones). Shout “Banzai!” and slam it into your opponent’s side of the board. The Small World Insanity Twist In a low voice, sing over and over, “It’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small small world.” The Ozzy Oddity Grab your king, bite its head off, and scream the lyrics of “War Pigs.” Redeeming Love
Rated H for hokey It’s the 1850s gold rush on the western frontier. Dirt farmer Hosea (subtle reference to the Biblical Hosea) asks God to send him a wife. Dirt farming must be really profitable: Hosea lives in a spacious open-plan wooden farmhouse with a huge matching barn. His free-range sheep never get lost or eaten by wolves. Even his garden thrives without a fence to keep out hungry critters. God must be all-in on Hosea. So it comes as a nasty shock when God points out Hosea’s future wife, a prostitute named Angel (subtle reference to an angel). She’s in such high demand that Madam Duchess raffles off her services to horny gold prospectors. Brothel barroom: Hosea: Howdy, ma’am. I want to buy a session with Angel. Duchess: Why should I sell you a session for $5 when I can get $70 with the raffle? Hosea: I’ll pay you $10. Duchess: OK. Angel’s quarters: Hosea: Howdy, miss. I’m just a humble dirt farmer sent by God to rescue you. Angel: If you’re just a humble dirt farmer, how come your clothes are so clean? Hosea: I’m far from perfect. You should see my underwear. Spoiler alert! Well, on second thought, you knew this was coming: Hosea takes sullen, cynical Angel back to his dirt farm. Angel: All right, let’s get this over with. (She flops onto the bed.) Hosea: Oh, no, miss. I’m sleeping in the barn. Angel: Are you gay? Over time, with Hosea’s patient coaxing, Angel realizes the joys of slopping the pigs, mucking the horse stalls, and harvesting the dirt. Angel: Oh, how I love being a farm wife! --The End--  You may snicker at finicky cats or recoil from somebody’s pet snake. But snakes or cats – yes, even Siamese cats – or even alligators make better pets than sugar gliders.
Sugar gliders are exotic pocket pets that look like the product of a one-night stand between a racoon and a flying squirrel. Among their charming habits:
So there you have it. If you ever want to wreak serious revenge on someone, urge them to get a sugar glider – "the best pet ever!" For more pet lovers' guilty pleasures, check out my 99-cent Kindle book "For Pets' Sake" on Amazon: click here. Can This Marriage Be Saved? "He's so needy, it's driving me nuts!" Her turn “Friends told us a mixed marriage is tough, but I can deal with dog hair, dog breath, and the occasional rawhide chew hidden in the comforter. Our real problem is his extreme neediness.
“I’ve got a high-powered career. When I get home from work, I need time to decompress. For once, I’d like to sit on the sofa and sip a glass of chardonnay without a 90-pound dog on my lap. “He also has this habit of licking off all my makeup. I get irritated and scold him, and then he whines and I feel guilty. Lately I’ve actually considered putting him in doggy day care for a while, but then there’d be no one guarding the house when I’m away. ” His turn “Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof-woof-woof!” The counselor’s turn “During our sessions, it became clear to me that the wife was the alpha dog in this marriage, and that they both liked it that way. “However, even a pack leader needs a little ‘alone’ time once in a while. We did some role-playing to help them communicate. “I instructed her not to nag him when he intrudes on her space. Instead, she should give a low growl and nip his flank. He caught on immediately and retreated under the counseling couch. “He also learned that face-licking is a turnoff for her. Now, when feeling needy, he rolls on his back in an endearing submissive dog posture, which prompts her to scratch his belly.” Snowflakes, in solidarity
With Canadian truckers, Clog my driveway After endless marching Through cruel and barren desert An oasis appears: Friday Junior lives in our basement Though he's almost old enough To draw Social Security (More about Junior: click here.) An apology to haiku purists: yes, tradition calls for a five/seven/five syllable format. I'm just not very good with math. ~~Leah  Oh, puh-leeze. Many of my friends hang cutesy signs in their houses. The signs say things like “Live, Laugh, Love” or “Make today a great day.” It’s stressing me out. Do I need to follow these rules even after I leave their homes?
Those aren’t the Ten Commandments, sweetheart. Some people simply don’t like bare walls, but they do like ordering others around. We must all take a stand against bossy signs. Memorize these alternatives to help you keep things in perspective when someone’s sign is hounding you. For instance, instead of “You can never have too much happy,” think “You can easily have too much hokey.” Welcome, please remove your shoes, thank you * Ugh, take your shoes off, you derelict Live, Laugh, Love * Lie, Lurch, Leave Always be humble and kind * Always be kind of hyper This is our happy place * This is our battleground Life is too short to drink bad wine * What kind of cheap wine did you bring? Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain * Life isn’t about standing outside in the rain, it’s about going indoors to watch Netflix Blessed * Stressed The best is yet to come * The bubble is about to burst I love you to the moon and back * I love you to the end of the driveway Family gathers here * Pet hair gathers here Relax * Revenge Let your faith be bigger than your fear * Let your gut be bigger than your beer A dream is a wish your heart makes * A poop is the squish your dog makes Grateful * Forgetful Make today a great day * Get this day over with We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust our sails * We cannot sail a boat, but we can rent a JetSki It is what it is * What the heck is it? [Excerpted from Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available for just $3.99 Kindle / $7.99 paperback at Amazon: click here.]  Just another $95,000 hat. The royals may be a dysfunctional family, but there aren't that many of them. How do they manage to soak up obscene amounts of taxpayer money?
They own many lavish households, including Buckingham Palace in London, Balmoral Castle in Scotland, a lake cottage up north in Hayward, Wisconsin, and a condo in Playa del Carmen, Mexico, which is pretty much of a dump but they keep it anyway for sentimental reasons. Each residence requires specialized staff. In Balmoral there’s the Washer of the Wellies, who hoses down the queen’s boots after she goes mucking about on muddy pathways. Buckingham Palace’s Royal Roller keeps all 642 bathrooms supplied with Windsor-crested toilet paper. Someone has to keep track of their priceless china and silverware, then order more after a state dinner, because invariably some pieces get “borrowed” by ambassadors from certain nations we won’t mention. Members of the royal family also maintain extensive wardrobes. It wouldn’t do for the queen to be seen in a bright blue chemise in Warsaw on Tuesday and the same chemise in Johannesburg on Wednesday. Even when closer to home, she changes clothes several times daily: a tapa-cloth wrap for breakfast with the delegation from Papua New Guinea, a fluffy frock for touring a denture-manufacturing facility in the posh part of Birmingham, and a glittering gown for a gala honoring The Poor Old Sods Who Lost Their Family Inheritance When We Got Kicked Out of India. Once a dress is worn in public, the queen must never wear it again – so local women queue up at charity shops every Thursday hoping for the bargain of a lifetime when the queen’s discarded dresses get dropped off. As for the Windsor men, the Royal Medal-Maker constantly invents new categories to keep them from feeling useless. Each requires expensive precious metals and stones. Prince Philip’s medal for the Royal Order of the Garter Snake has green emerald eyes and a 14-karat-gold tongue. Prince Charles has nine medals, including one commissioned by the queen “on the occasion of hanging in there 53 years waiting for me to die so you could ascend to the throne.” You might have noticed that the queen has a thing about hats. Some are inspired by Dr. Suess’s “The Cat in the Hat,” others by the Mad Hatter of “Alice in Wonderland,” and still others by Kentucky Derby hats seen on socialites who’ve had too many mint juleps. The queen’s hats are festooned with ribbons, feathers, pompoms, flowers made of folded Kleenex, scraps of vintage wallpaper, random pieces from old games of Clue, Stone Age arrowheads, marbles, and Silly Putty. None of these come cheap. The Royal Milliner sources her material from all over the world, and the moment a seller realizes that the Windsors are involved, the asking price (even for marbles) rises exponentially. [Excerpted from Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available at Amazon: click HERE.] |