How to lead a hike without losing any of your hikers

If there's only room for one in that shelter, make sure it's you.

​Let’s say that for no apparent reason, you’ve been asked to lead a backcountry hike. This requires keeping everybody together, from the slowest beginner to the most impatient veteran climber. Ha. Good luck with that. Here are some strategies to use if you feel like it.

• Try to keep all your people in the same climate zone.
• When you must stop, get your ass off the trail so others can continue.
• If your party encounters pack animals, step aside quietly and let them go by. Then grab the weakest one at the back and slaughter it for supper.
• Make that gung-ho experienced climber carry the food dehydrator.
• If you encounter a bear or a wildcat, speak softly yet assertively: “Say there, cougar. How’s your day going so far?” Slowly back away until there’s a larger and more appetizing hiker between you and the wild thing. 
• Never admit that you’ve lost the trail. Pick up the pace and surge ahead.

 
--Excerpted from the newly released spoof The Dumb Zone: A snarky look at your Obsessive Climbing Disorder by Leah Carson. Check it out here.