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 Basic mummy bag (cute mutt not included) “Nighty-night, sleep tight” is literally true with the standard mummy bag, which doubles as a spooky King Tut costume on Halloween. Some climbers choose to camp “ultralight” with only the mummy bag and no tent. But going without shelter leaves you more vulnerable to predators – so sleep with your dog, who will burst into a frenzy of precautionary barking as you get mauled by a bear.
As a beginner, you’re better off with a regular sleeping bag. These use either synthetic fiber or natural down. Synthetic fiber, usually polyester, dries quickly and insulates even when wet – like when you foolishly sleep under a tree, guaranteeing that raindrops keep fallin’ on your head long after storm clouds have passed. Natural down is the insulation of choice for cold, dry conditions, such as a walk-in beer freezer at the liquor store. Make sure the down came from geese or ducks that were humanely treated. Look for product labels certifying basic freedoms of animal welfare, including freedom from want, freedom from fear, and freedom of expression (“Aflac! Aflac! AFFFLAAAACKKK!”) Manufacturers rate the efficiency of sleeping bags for a “standard man” or a “standard woman.” You, as a substandard man or woman, may simply choose whatever color you like. Don’t get hung up on optional features like motorized massagers and mosquito repellent coils, since it’s too early to guess what’ll work for you. Grab whatever’s on sale, then use it during your first few overnights to discover what you hate about it. To stay warm in your sleeping bag, ask a seductive climber to join you, eat Carolina Reaper peppers as your bedtime snack, and tuck a hot-water bottle inside your jammies. There’s also the modest bivy sack, hugging you like the paper around a Jimmy John’s Thai Chicken Wrap. You might envy climbers who get by with just the bivy shell and no sleeping bag. Don’t even think about it. I can hear you whining already. --Excerpted from the newly released spoof The Dumb Zone: A snarky look at your Obsessive Climbing Disorder by Leah Carson. Check it out here. Comments are closed.
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