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"There must be an idea in here somewhere..." |
 An ounce of prevention: consider outfitting your car with doors and windows. Pack an emergency kit with items you’ll need if stranded: blankets, food, flashlight, and a manservant who will fetch help from the nearest farmhouse.
Make sure you have four good snow tires on your vehicle. If you’re obsessive, install five or six good snow tires. Drive no faster than 20 mph over posted limits. If the rear wheels skid, steer hard to one side and step on the gas, sending your car into a spectacular spin like in the movies. Carry a bag of kitty litter in the trunk in case you decide to stop at the animal shelter and adopt a cat on the way home. If you get stuck, do not gun your wheels, which digs your car in deeper. Rather, instruct your wife to push the car from the back while you steer. Once you get going, remember to slow down long enough to let her jump in the passenger side. In icy conditions, be cautious around bridges and overpasses, where squad cars often sit with their radar turned on. Upon arriving at your destination, check beneath the car for items you picked up in snowdrifts, such as your neighbor’s mailbox. If all else fails, forego driving altogether. Quit your job, pull your kids out of school, and subsist on canned goods until mid-May.  Deep-fried Snickers: not just for breakfast anymore. 1. BUTTERED BUTTER In small fry pan, sauté four sticks of salted butter. Meanwhile, microwave one stick of unsalted butter for two minutes. Pour over sautéed butter and serve.
2. MAXI-RONI Boil two pieces of macaroni until tender. Top with six cups shredded cheese. 3. CREAM OF SOMETHING SOUP Use plenty of cream to disguise the fact that this soup is a dumping ground for leftovers: Christmas ham, Hanukkah latkes, even Thanksgiving turkey. 4. MEALOAF BEETLOAF I HATE MEATLOAF (as spurned by little brother Randy in “A Christmas Story”) This staple fills up the plate and provides the illusion that you’re feeding your family. 5. BAKED BEANS Open a two-gallon institutional-sized can of beans. Heat and serve. Optional: harness the resulting gas and channel it to your furnace. 6. NEW ENGLAND BOILED YUCK Boil corned beef, cabbage, carrots and potatoes until the kitchen wallpaper starts peeling. 7. DEEP-FRIED SNICKERS BARS Serve as main dish or dessert course. 8. CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN Rent this fountain from a party store. The basin heats chocolate to a liquid state and pumps it into a liquid “waterfall” in which marshmallows or strawberries can be dipped, but if you’re desperate for comfort, just stick your tongue into the flow. |