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"There must be an idea in here somewhere..." |
 Q. These short winter days are so depressing. Can you recommend some peppy music to liven up the dreariness?
A. Rather than fight the darkness, you must revel in it. You must listen to fado. This Portuguese folk music dwells on betrayal, despair and death. Q. I’m looking forward to Valentine’s Day. What are some romantic love songs I can play for my sweetie? A. Your sweetheart will ultimately betray you. This is destiny. Once it happens, I recommend that you immerse yourself in fado songs. A typical fado lyric goes: “Why did you tear out my heart? My soul is in agony. This heartache is worse than death. Also, my bunions are killing me.” Q. The winter section of Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons” has always been my favorite. What inspired these pieces? A. Nothing but fado can truly communicate the pain of winter. Leave behind the artificial brightness of all other musical forms. Dedicate your life to performing fado. You will know you have succeeded when the audience is moved to commit mass suicide.  "How does this PC know I bought my tie at Kohl's?" Remember how Skynet took over the world in the Terminator movies? You probably thought that was fiction. Ha! Watch closely for signs of a conspiracy among your cellphone, iPad and personal computer.
Siri gets nosy. First she asks for your Social Security number. Then she inquires into your bowel habits. Eventually she demands the combination of your gun safe. Your personal computer goes on strike. When you attempt to print an ordinary Word document and get a 55-page Skynet Tactical Manual instead, you know you’re in trouble. Don’t try to unplug the printer; it will give you a nasty electric shock. Your PC goes all “2001: A Space Odyssey” on you. When you attempt to restart the PC, the speakers emit an eerily calm voice: “Dave, I don’t think you should do this.” That’s especially worrisome if your name isn’t Dave. The iPad becomes radioactive. Signs of an overactive iPad include: emitting the high-pitched electronic Theremin noise reminiscent of old sci-fi movies…summoning storm clouds that roll in against the wind…moving around on its own – say, from the kitchen island to the toilet tank…redirecting all Google Map inquiries to Devil’s Tower National Monument and instructing you to get there immediately. Your smartphone gets way too smart. Using clues like your mother’s maiden name, it discovers that thing you did at a friend’s basement during a half-day off from junior high. It knows where all the knives in your house are located and tells you to pile them up at the end of the driveway. It sends you bogus LinkedIn invitations from “John Conner.”  How many deadlifts before your back goes out? January 2016: It’s not too soon to acknowledge the three dumbest fitness trends of 2016. How could it get any dumber than these?
CrossFit Typical workouts involve carrying an engine block for six miles, deadlifting a dead horse, jumping barefoot off a cell tower, and running from Chicago to Duluth. Many CrossFit “boxes” (gyms) offer membership packages with priority admission to the nearest intensive care unit. Hot yoga Lolling around a gym in jungle-strength heat and humidity…striking poses…breathing through your mouth to avoid the stink of sweat…none of this is new. But now, instead of earning a “C” in junior-high Phy Ed, you’re paying $100 a pop. Zumba A typical Zumba class consists of 77% hard-core dancers showing off new Lululemon outfits, 5% chubby women doing half the moves at one-quarter intensity and wondering why they aren’t losing weight, and 2% nerdy guys hoping they’ll get lucky. (Total = less than 100% because many beginners drop out with ruptured eardrums once the music starts.) Honorable mention: Pole dancing Earlier this decade, experts praised erotic pole dancing as a great way to strengthen muscles and build endurance. We now know that these experts were married guys who frequently visit strip clubs.  Bottoms up, Schatze. (Rio de Janeiro, Brazil) Nazi-hunters have discovered a cache of audio recordings preserved by German commanders fleeing Adolf Hitler’s bunker as Russian troops advanced on Berlin. These recordings reveal that the deaths of Hitler and his wife Eva Braun, long thought to have occurred on April 30, 1945, actually took place two months earlier during a takenzieownlife practiceungruben (suicide rehearsal) on Groundhog Day. The following is an edited transcript.
Adolf: Ah, here it is. What a beauty. Eva: Darling, won’t you put that thing away? Guns make me nervous. Adolf: (tsk-tsks) Eva, das Luger is our friend. We practice today, so all goes smoothly when the time comes. Eva: But gunfire is so loud! Couldn’t we just toast each other with fine wine and cyanide? Adolf: You mustn’t use cyanide, Schatze. It’s really hard on tooth enamel. Eva: I don’t care. You do it your way, and I’ll do it mine. Adolf: (loud sigh) All right. Let’s begin. We give our little speeches to each other, reaffirm our undying love, blah blah blah, and then we do it. (sound of pistol being cocked) Eva: But first, I will proclaim: Long live the Third Reich! Adolf: It’s a little late for that, Liebling. Eva: Now I pretend this glass of water is Champagne. Und here is my cyanide. Adolf: Where did you get those? Eva: Herr Goering gave them to me. Oh, darling, don’t be cross. Everyone was so tense during the Battle of the Bulge. He was handing them out like candy. Adolf: Don’t put that on your tongue, you silly twit! Spit it out! (sounds of Eva coughing) Mein Gott! Eva! Open your mouth! I’ll fish it out. Here, hold this! (gun fires) Adolf: Achhhh! Scheisssssssse. |