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 Has your coffee obsession gone too far? Here are some dead giveaways.
Your pantry’s coffee corner has ballooned into a coffee garage. The office wall has claw marks from the last time you tried cutting back. Your $8/day ($2900/year) Starbucks habit led to renaming the kids’ college savings account as “kids’ bus fare to call-center job.” A bad case of the jitters made you bite your fingernails to the quick. You’ve now started on your toenails. You haven’t slept in 7 years. You’ve had panic attacks triggered by sunsets, songbirds and Hallmark channel movies. Click HERE to magically transport to Amazon for more "Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions."  1. “Those documentaries make it look real badass.” Try sitting naked in a meat locker for ten minutes. You’ll get your badass, all right.
2. “I love a challenge.” If challenge means spending your life savings and risking your neck, become a stunt pilot. The odds are better. 3. “All my friends are doing it.” You need new friends. 4. “For the thrill of exploration.” Try steering a rental car through New York or LA, getting cut off, cursed at and tailgated. 5. “Because it’s there.” A sewage treatment plant is “there,” too. Might as well muck around in that instead. A pair of hip waders is all you need, and you’ll be home in time to stream “Landman.” If you’re still morbidly curious about mountaineering, check out The Dumb Zone: A Snarky Look at Your Obsessive Climbing Disorder at Amazon.  Him: OMG! Her nose piercing looks like a giant zit!
Her: OMG! His necklace looks like my grandmother’s pearls! Him: I could totally blackmail her with this shot! Her: I could totally blackmail him with this shot! Him: But my coral beach necklace looks like Grandmother’s pearls… Her: But my nose piercing looks like a giant zit… [Long pause] Him and Her, simultaneously: “That one sucks. Delete!” More dumb stuff HERE  Follow these clues to decide whether to reach for the Gas-X tablets or start shopping for a stroller.
Bloated belly disappears after an hour of farting… gas grows bigger every week… baby Cravings dill pickles, rocky road ice cream, wallpaper paste… pregnancy another Big Mac… gas Sudden tears the Hallmark Channel… sentimental feelings music on “hold,” Dollar Tree closing time announcement, marching band… pregnancy Your period is late several hours… phases of the moon six months… baby Morning sickness on Sunday mornings only… heavy partying Saturday nights 24/7… pregnancy Mood swings wanting to murder your husband… pregnancy chronic irritability toward your husband… marriage  Just a few hours listening to Sirius XM yesterday brought me a batch of strange songs.
Old-time carol “A child, a child, shivers in the cold / Let us bring him silver and gold,” says “Do You Hear What I Hear?” Really…silver and gold? How about an electric blanket? Or better yet, a space heater? Precious metals won’t help Mary and Joseph buy those items for their newborn. It’s Christmas Eve, and all the stores are closed. Bizarre Rosemary Clooney warbles “I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow.” Apparently she invented cryotherapy way back in 1954. Or maybe she’s freaking out because Santa left chimney soot all over the place. In case you were wondering, this tune is called…….. “Snow.” Drives me cuckoo One arrangement of Elvis’ classic “Blue Christmas” is punctuated by a female vocalist’s repeated cuckoo-bird call. Shove that bird back in the cuckoo clock already! Just stop. Please. Paul Anka shouts “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!” at least 10,487 times in a row. At that point I switched channels to Handel’s Messiah.  So you want to adopt a cat, but you’re afraid of long-term commitment? An elderly cat could be just the ticket! To make sure it’s an an oldie, check for these signs.
 Looking for a difficult, weird and stressful Thanksgiving recipe? You got it!
Eternity Roast Turkey Active time: 21 hours Total time: 47 hours (includes three freak-out periods) Serves: all dinner guests who become overnight guests while waiting for the meal to be served Ingredients
Directions Begin placing turkey pieces across three wire racks. Realize you have only one wire rack. Frantically phone neighbors and friends; drive across town and borrow two more. Explain to guests that turkey is still eons away from doneness. Convert sleeper sofa to bed. Serve them eggnog spiked with absinthe. Mix seasonings with brown sugar, using your fingers. Lick fingers frequently as a reward for running all over town to borrow wire racks. Sprinkle remaining sugar over the turkey pieces on wire racks. Place each rack over a cookie baking pan. Attempt to refrigerate overnight. Realize there’s not enough room in the fridge. Place two racks in the freezer. Set alarm to wake you twice during the night to rotate all three racks of turkey. Wake up in a panic at dawn when your alarm goes off for the third time. Remove turkey from refrigerator / freezer. Let stand for one hour, someplace where the cat can’t get at it. Pick cat hair off turkey pieces. Pour toxic raw-turkey liquid from each cookie sheet down the drain. Pat turkey with paper towel and murmur “Sorry about this.” Stare at turnip and wonder what you were thinking, since you’ve always hated turnips. Shove turnip down garbage disposal. Realize the drain is clogged with turkey fat; scream for your spouse to fix it. Take a sedative and lie down for 30 minutes. Realize you should have preheated oven to 350 degrees half an hour ago. Set oven at 700 degrees to compensate. Brush melted butter over turkey pieces with a baking brush, craft-paint brush or lightly used toothbrush. Awaken your overnight guests and announce that it’s cocktail hour. Serve leftover eggnog. Roast turkey until a relatively clean finger inserted into the breast bone comes out with second-degree burns. Sprinkle jimmies over all pieces of turkey so this main dish doubles as the dessert course. And that’s all there is to it. Bon appetit! There’s more insanity where this came from in Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions. Check it out HERE at Amazon. A great stocking stuffer that keeps the giftee wondering whether you think they’re a smartass or a dumbass.  If you think this cartoony leech is ugly, you should see the real thing. It takes a special kind of person to enjoy mountaineering. Namely, stupid. How else to explain the compulsion to climb sheer walls of ice, rock and snow just to reach the Death Zone (26,000 feet) where oxygen is too thin for survival?
Let’s look at symptoms of the Obsessive Climbing Disorder. Dumber than a leech. One climber recalled plodding through a swamp toward the mountain base: “The leeches were smarter than us” (d’ya think?) because they flourished at low altitude and hitched a free ride on the climbers’ bodies. BYO. Back in the day, BYO meant bringing your own beverage for a wild night of partying. For high-altitude climbing, it means Bring Your Oxygen. If you run out of oxygen tanks, the party's over. Bad choices for resting comfortably. In the medical tent at 20,000 ft, someone said to be “resting comfortably” may have anything from a head-splitting migraine to a fatal lung embolism. If you’re truly smarter than a leech, wave goodbye to the climbing party as they head for the Nepalese mountain base; then chill with the legendary stoners of Kathmandu. Now that’s resting comfortably. …And the idiocy goes on, from gym-wall climbers to ice climbers to suicidal high-altitude climbers. Stupid is as stupid does: it’s all laid out for your reading pleasure in The Dumb Zone: A snarky look at your obsessive climbing disorder. Available in paperback and Kindle format. Click HERE to view it at Amazon.  Don't you just hate getting outclimbed by a 5-year-old? Mental blocks create big problems for gym-wall climbers. Most common are fear of failing, fear of falling, and fear of being stuck near the ceiling at closing time when they turn off all the lights. These are understandable, but don’t let them stop you – unless you make a habit of failing, falling, and getting stranded after hours.
In that case you should listen to your amygdala, the primitive part of your brain that shouts “Knock it off, dummy!” Ask the gym for a refund, or try a piece of equipment that sits closer to the ground, like a recumbent stationary bike. But let’s say you somehow inched your way up the steepest gym wall. That doesn’t mean you’re a climber. More of a creeper, like a bedbug. Let’s take a second look at some important gym-climbing climbing facts I didn’t mention earlier.
Whether you love adventure climbing or think it’s the dumbest thing since line dancing, you’ll like The Dumb Zone: A snarky look at your obsessive climbing disorder. Click HERE to check it out at Amazon.  Your new puppy doesn’t give a shit about Election 2024. But he does give a shit on your expensive oriental carpet. And your cozy alpaca throw. And your imported Egyptian reed bathmat. Catching up with him (always a moment too late) takes your mind off the stupid election all day.
Once he’s emptied his colon, Pup will apply his sharp, pointy little teeth to your custom woodwork, designer shoes, vintage handbags, and couch cushions. Election-night coverage will flit by without making a dent in your conscious mind. Finally, you and Pup lie side by side, exhausted, in a deep sleep on that filthy carpet. In the morning you’ll repeat the sequence, along with chaotic feeding times… walks with Pup biting the leash and dragging you down the sidewalk… and random “zoomies” around the living room, breaking every breakable object plus some you didn’t realize were breakable, like antique chairs. And so it goes, day after day, until a month from now when someone mentions the November election, and you say, “What election?” Want more? My 99-cent Spoofbook For Pets’ Sake provides a pet-lovers’ guilty pleasure about dogs, cats, and all the other animals that own us. Click here to see it at Amazon. |