|
 Monday’s gal is full of stress
Tuesday's is a nervous mess Wednesday's woman bites her nails Thursday wonders why she fails Friday lives a web of lies Saturday falls for loser guys But Sunday makes her own good luck By writing “Self-Help: Why You Suck” For more reflections on why life sucks, consider Desperately Seeking Sanity: A Spoofbook on Self-Help. Just 99 cents on Kindle, it won’t leave you feeling guilty when you don’t live happily ever after.  Live at the scene (Mark Neal Photo) Are the skies safe?
That depends on who’s up there. For instance, migratory birds are too dumb to get out of the way of jet engines. So safety, if you’re a bird, not so much. But a passenger? Even someone sitting in an exit row? You betcha that’s safe! Just keep your seat belt fastened at all times and clutch the nearest stable object (not your seatmate) if the door blows out. Remember, it’s been more than a year since that happened. And technically, that wasn’t a door. It was a door plug. A rumor in the aviation business says we were “long overdue” for a fatal crash. Doesn’t this cold-hearted attitude lead to carelessness? All commercial airlines care deeply for each and every passenger, whether they fall from the sky, demo-derby crash around the cabin, or get burnt to a crisp on the tarmac. And we categorically deny any leaks about office betting pools at our headquarters. Betting pools?! Er… uh… polls. I meant polls. You know – taking a poll of how many employees might resign by the end of the month. What about the effect of corporate DEI programs on airline safety? DEI doesn’t affect our biggest safety issue: keeping irate passengers from killing each other. Since many recent problems occurred during descent and landing, are you working on prevention programs? Absolutely! Landing protocols under consideration include having passengers parachute out at a cruising altitude of 10,000 feet… moving fat people evenly throughout the cabin to balance the load… and asking everybody to look out their window and holler if they see another aircraft next to us, beneath us, or already on the runway. Just off the record, do you fly? And do you let your family fly? Hell, no! Next week we’re taking a Greyhound bus to Yosemite. Check out a billion more absurd and pointless Q&A’s in Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle.  The Cavalier King Charlies Spaniel…
…shouldn’t be confused with a cadaver King Charles Spaniel, which is dead. …enjoys glancing at strangers, sniffing the lawn, and taking 12-hour naps. …was originally bred for hunting, but historians say, “Due to its stature it was not well suited.” Stature means lying on its back waiting for a belly rub. …frequently loses its bulging eyes. If you notice a popped eyeball rolling around the floor, place it in a clean Baggie and take it to the vet (bring the dog, too.) …puppies cost between $2,500 and $4,000. Wouldn’t you really rather take a trip to Disney World? …suffers from separation anxiety if left alone for more than 4 hours – like a leech, only cuter. …is prone to anal gland impaction. Euuuuww. …can be dismissive of others and certain of its superiority. In other words, cavalier. Need a break from vacuuming dog hair and picking up poop? Check out For Pets’ Sake: A Spoofbook on Pets for just 99 cents on Kindle.  You know that piece of “art” you made at the party studio? Where the cheap wine was flowing and you & your friends were destined for sculpture stardom? It ain’t so pretty when you get home and…
Wake up the next morning with a hangover. Stumble into the kitchen and shriek at the dog for pooping on the kitchen counter. Then realize he couldn’t possibly poop way up there. Recall that you created this… this… thing yesterday. Place The Thing atop a bookcase where you won’t have to look at it. Watch the cat leap up next to it and shove The Thing over the edge. It bounces off the floor without breaking. Decide it’s a dog water dish. Fill the bottom section with water and place it on the floor. The dog sniffs, then pees on it. Imagine it might look better when painted. Get creative with some old craft oils and another nice big glass of cabernet. The more you drink, the better The Thing looks. Leave it on the counter to dry. Invite some friends over to party. Smile with satisfaction when one of them mistakes The Thing for an ashtray: so it is useful after all! Shriek when the “ashtray” catches fire. Attempt to douse flames with the pitcher of margaritas. Tequila fumes ignite. The Thing burns briefly and crumbles into ash. Problem solved! There's more dumb Arts & Crap stuff HERE !!!  Has your coffee obsession gone too far? Here are some dead giveaways.
Your pantry’s coffee corner has ballooned into a coffee garage. The office wall has claw marks from the last time you tried cutting back. Your $8/day ($2900/year) Starbucks habit led to renaming the kids’ college savings account as “kids’ bus fare to call-center job.” A bad case of the jitters made you bite your fingernails to the quick. You’ve now started on your toenails. You haven’t slept in 7 years. You’ve had panic attacks triggered by sunsets, songbirds and Hallmark channel movies. Click HERE to magically transport to Amazon for more "Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions."  1. “Those documentaries make it look real badass.” Try sitting naked in a meat locker for ten minutes. You’ll get your badass, all right.
2. “I love a challenge.” If challenge means spending your life savings and risking your neck, become a stunt pilot. The odds are better. 3. “All my friends are doing it.” You need new friends. 4. “For the thrill of exploration.” Try steering a rental car through New York or LA, getting cut off, cursed at and tailgated. 5. “Because it’s there.” A sewage treatment plant is “there,” too. Might as well muck around in that instead. A pair of hip waders is all you need, and you’ll be home in time to stream “Landman.” If you’re still morbidly curious about mountaineering, check out The Dumb Zone: A Snarky Look at Your Obsessive Climbing Disorder at Amazon.  Him: OMG! Her nose piercing looks like a giant zit!
Her: OMG! His necklace looks like my grandmother’s pearls! Him: I could totally blackmail her with this shot! Her: I could totally blackmail him with this shot! Him: But my coral beach necklace looks like Grandmother’s pearls… Her: But my nose piercing looks like a giant zit… [Long pause] Him and Her, simultaneously: “That one sucks. Delete!” More dumb stuff HERE  Follow these clues to decide whether to reach for the Gas-X tablets or start shopping for a stroller.
Bloated belly disappears after an hour of farting… gas grows bigger every week… baby Cravings dill pickles, rocky road ice cream, wallpaper paste… pregnancy another Big Mac… gas Sudden tears the Hallmark Channel… sentimental feelings music on “hold,” Dollar Tree closing time announcement, marching band… pregnancy Your period is late several hours… phases of the moon six months… baby Morning sickness on Sunday mornings only… heavy partying Saturday nights 24/7… pregnancy Mood swings wanting to murder your husband… pregnancy chronic irritability toward your husband… marriage  Just a few hours listening to Sirius XM yesterday brought me a batch of strange songs.
Old-time carol “A child, a child, shivers in the cold / Let us bring him silver and gold,” says “Do You Hear What I Hear?” Really…silver and gold? How about an electric blanket? Or better yet, a space heater? Precious metals won’t help Mary and Joseph buy those items for their newborn. It’s Christmas Eve, and all the stores are closed. Bizarre Rosemary Clooney warbles “I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow.” Apparently she invented cryotherapy way back in 1954. Or maybe she’s freaking out because Santa left chimney soot all over the place. In case you were wondering, this tune is called…….. “Snow.” Drives me cuckoo One arrangement of Elvis’ classic “Blue Christmas” is punctuated by a female vocalist’s repeated cuckoo-bird call. Shove that bird back in the cuckoo clock already! Just stop. Please. Paul Anka shouts “Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!” at least 10,487 times in a row. At that point I switched channels to Handel’s Messiah.  So you want to adopt a cat, but you’re afraid of long-term commitment? An elderly cat could be just the ticket! To make sure it’s an an oldie, check for these signs.
|