You’re about to drown…but where?

So you’ve driven into frigid water while searching for the trailhead. Nice work, bucko.

Or you took a shortcut on the trail, counting on cracked grey ice to hold you. That worked for about five seconds.
 
Quick! Figure out which frigid body your body is in, and what to do about it:
 
If you’re in over your head and drowning, it’s a LAKE. There might be some ice fishermen around. They won’t respond to just any old call for help, though, if they’re holed up in an ice shack, working on their second 6-pack of Miller Lite. Try yelling: “Hey, great spot for muskies here!”
 
If you’re being swept downstream and drowning, it’s a RIVER. Try swimming to shore if the current isn’t too strong. Otherwise, stay alive until the river spits you out into one of the Great Lakes. There’s a slim chance you’ll be spotted by a freighter, taken aboard, and impressed into service on a slow boat to China.
 
If you swallowed several mouthfuls without purifying the water and are dying of dysentery, it’s a RIVER. Maybe you’ll survive. Next time, treat the water before falling in.
 
If you’re stuck, thrashing and bubbling as you go down, it’s a SWAMP. Remain absolutely still. Watch out for alligators. They usually go for the head first.
 
If there’s an undertow and a salty tang to the water, it’s the OCEAN, and you are wayyyy off route. In your next life, buy a better topo hiking map.
 
For more absurd advice on surviving the backcountry, check out The Dumb Zone: A Snarky Look at Your Obsessive Climbing Disorder at Amazon.