September 08th, 2024

A bear's favorite greeting: "Surprise!" 

"Aaahh!!! Ya got me, dude! Whoa, am I surprised! Ha ha ha ha!"

Bears love surprises. Mother bears, especially. Mama Bear would throw a surprise party for her cubs’ first birthday if only she could break into the dollar store for party hats. Cubs under one year old are called “cubs of the year,” and Mama can’t wait to get those dang babies out of her hair.
 
Cubs of the year are really dumb. Yeah, they look so cute rolling around and play-fighting with each other, but they can’t figure out how to pluck a wild berry off a bush for lunch. Mama Bear has to show them. They don’t even know how to shit in the woods yet. Mama Bear has to show them that, too. Every time.
 
Getting back to surprises: it’s not just mama bears – all fully grown bears love surprises. You would, too, if you had to forage for 20,000 calories a day on a vegan diet. Sooo monotonous. Bears nap and meditate a lot of the time, but taking a break from “taking a break” gets old real fast. 
 
So surprise the heck out of them as you move with stealth through the backcountry:

• Walk carefully to avoid breaking twigs.
• Take care that you don’t stub your big toe on a rock and shout out cuss words.
• Don’t talk, sing, or (heaven help us) yodel like one expert recommends. Even cute little chipmunks will savagely turn on you for yodeling.
• Avoid “bear bells” on your walking stick, pocket radios broadcasting NASCAR races, and loud farts.

 
When you spot a bear, stay downwind of it. Remain behind trees and bushes as you advance slowly. Get as close as you can. Then jump out and yell “Surprise!” Throw your arms out wide and wait for your new friend to come give you a big bear hug.
 
Bear Encounters of the Worst Kind
Some bears never got the memo about fun surprises. Grizzlies can be especially cranky. Their “greeting” consists of charging you at lightning speed, knocking you flat and chomping into your skull.
 
If it turns out you’ve surprised a grizzly, forget diplomacy. Sprint for the nearest tree. Throw your pack, your walking stick and your dog in the bear’s path. That should buy you at least one one-thousandth of a second.
 
Is it a grizzly? Or a brown bear? Or a brown grizzly?
It’s hard to tell a grizzly from a brown bear, which isn’t always brown. Sometimes you can’t tell until they’re right on top of you. So keep your Field Guide to Wild Bears handy, with a Post-It Note on the “grizzly” section.
 
For more absurd advice on surviving the backcountry, check out The Dumb Zone: A Snarky Look at Your Obsessive Climbing Disorder at Amazon.