Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin: your backpack

Semper Fido

You’ll need a backpack for wilderness camping. Don’t just wing it with your rolling suitcase or a stolen shopping cart.
 
Choose the cheapest pack you can find. Your wilderness-mania will probably vanish after your first night outdoors, anyway.
 
If you somehow stick with it and gain experience, buy a better pack made of bright fluorescent fabric. It will help the helicopter crew spot you (or your remains) after you’ve gone missing for several years.
 
Planning to hunt and trap your own food? Line your pack with a waterproof inner bag to keep dead fish, squirrels and rabbits from bleeding into other supplies until you’re ready to eat them.
 
Many trail guidebooks lecture you to pack lightly, followed by a list of 1,001 essentials. Never mind – here are the most crucial:
 

• Plastic bags for wet clothing, trash, and used toilet paper…yes, someone actually wrote that.
• Walkie-talkies…assuming somebody’s at the other end, like GI Joe.
• Bear canister… must be big enough so an entire bear fits inside.
• Needle and thread…catch up on your embroidery.
• Your dog, cat, parakeet and goldfish.
• Duct tape. Now you’re talking!  
• Whistle and signal mirror, so you can pretend anybody cares if you get lost.
• Breakfast, second breakfast, brunch, lunch, lupper, supper, and guilty midnight snacks.
• Yoga mat, folding chair, side table and lamp.
• Oven mitts.
• Arrowhead collection.

 
For more absurd advice on surviving the backcountry, check out The Dumb Zone: A Snarky Look at Your Obsessive Climbing Disorder at Amazon.