So he popped the question, and you said “It’s about frikkin’ time!” Now the work begins. Use this list to keep track of everything, and remember: It’s all up to you. The groom exists solely to prop you up while approaching the finish line, a.k.a. the altar.
 
Nine to 12 years in advance  Decide what your celebration will be like. Is it important to have a sit-down meal? An outdoor setting? Alcohol? Hard drugs? Polka band with tuba? Hand puppets?
 
Google each reception site you’re considering. Make sure it’s not next to a prison, high-rise construction site, airport runway, landfill or pig farm.
 
Become engaged.
 
12 to 18 months in advance  Get religion; join a church and find out about special requirements, like adult circumcision for the groom.
 
Select bridesmaids’ dresses with unflattering colors and styles so no one outshines you.
 
Remind the groom that cargo shorts and flip-flops are a no-no on the Big Day.
 
Choose party favors for your guests, such as a personalized sachet, matchbook, or candle they’ll throw away when they get home.
 
Eight to ten weeks in advance  Mail the invitations, with the RSVP line highlighted in yellow marker for bozos who never bother to reply.
 
There’s more to this story – and lots of others in White Lace and Panic: A Spoofbook on Weddings. For just 99 cents on Kindle, it’s a cheap & easy way to banish those wedding bell blues. 

My fiance and I have been guilted into including certain guests we can’t stand. How can we keep them from ruining our big day?
 
Livestreaming to the rescue! Send these derelicts an invitation to watch your wedding online. This virtual invitation means you’ve technically “invited” rude, obnoxious, loathsome guests without letting them actually show up.
 
Here are some other spoiler-people:

• Expert dancers who would outshine the father/daughter or bride/groom showpiece you’ve been practicing for months
• Drunken business colleagues or stoned former roomies
• Relatives who tell everyone how you ran around naked during your third-birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese

 
Digital invitations should include the wedding date and time, plus a link with instructions for joining the event. In the case of elderly recipients, provide the name and phone number of an 8-year-old (whom you’ve bribed) to help them sign in to the livestream.  
 
DO NOT…

• …include the wedding location or any other tip-offs to the real thing.  
• …mention that digital invitations are convenient and cheap. Your castoff guests might respond with convenient and cheap wedding gifts. Or none at all.
• …livestream the reception. It’s no fun watching others having fun, and your excuse of having a “small, intimate guest list” will be shown up as a big fat lie.  

 
You’ll find many other reality checks in White Lace and Panic: A Spoofbook on Weddings. At just 99 cents on Kindle, it’s way cheaper than the Xanax you’ve been popping since you set the wedding date.