Stupid tips for safe winter driving

An ounce of prevention: consider outfitting your car with doors and windows.

Pack an emergency kit with items you’ll need if stranded: blankets, food, flashlight, and a manservant who will fetch help from the nearest farmhouse.

Make sure you have four good snow tires on your vehicle. If you’re obsessive, install five or six good snow tires.   

Drive no faster than 20 mph over posted limits.

If the rear wheels skid, steer hard to one side and step on the gas, sending your car into a spectacular spin like in the movies.

Carry a bag of kitty litter in the trunk in case you decide to stop at the animal shelter and adopt a cat on the way home.

If you get stuck, do not gun your wheels, which digs your car in deeper. Rather, instruct your wife to push the car from the back while you steer. Once you get going, remember to slow down long enough to let her jump in the passenger side.

In icy conditions, be cautious around bridges and overpasses, where squad cars often sit with their radar turned on.   

Upon arriving at your destination, check beneath the car for items you picked up in snowdrifts, such as your neighbor’s mailbox.

If all else fails, forego driving altogether. Quit your job, pull your kids out of school, and subsist on canned goods until mid-May.