Carsonmania,Spoofbooks
Ask the Pet Psychic
By guest columnist Rona Ronaditsy Our pet giraffes, Harold and Maude, have expressed interest in becoming therapy animals. I’m not so sure. Could we make this work? Absolutely! Your giraffes told me they want to greet people in hospitals, nursing homes, schools and minimum-security prisons. This isn’t as impractical as you might think. Harold and Maude explained that they can interact with any humans standing near an open window on the second or third floor. Even a prison meet-and-greet should be okay; just clear it with the warden so nobody gets shot leaning through a barred window to pet them. Take it from me: jaded people who are bored with visits from therapy dogs and therapy cats will perk up at the sight of a giraffe’s skyscraper neck, ossicones (antlers), and weird blue tongue. Excerpted from Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions, available in Kindle and paperback format. Click here for more info. Copyright (c) 2021 by Leah Carson For Those Who Want Their Money Back
Rated L for lame Back in the olden days (five months ago), potential box-office bombs went straight to video. Likewise, Angelina Jolie’s new release “For Those Who Wish Me Dead” is available simultaneously in theaters and streaming mode so the producers can hedge their bets. Feeling masochistic? Spring for expensive opening-week movie tickets. Or take advantage of your HBO Max subscription and watch from your couch. Either way, the illogical plot and unintentional humor will have you yearning for a refund. Some lowlights: --A man and his son (whom he constantly addresses as “son,” lest we forget) flee the bad guys by driving 2500+ miles from Florida to Montana with just one overnight stop at a motel and no stops for meals, not even McDonald’s drive-through. --Jolie portrays a professional fire jumper who parachutes into back-country wildfires. Yeah, right. In full makeup and salon blowout hair. --Gratuitous topless bit when Jolie removes her sweatshirt to reveal a Frederick’s of Hollywood underwire bra. Come to think of it, for some of you this is worth the price of admission. --With magical anti-lightning powers, Jolie shrugs off a direct strike while rapelling off a metal tower, then navigates through an open field with more cloud-to-ground action than the Fourth of July. --One of the bad guys carries on as usual despite third-degree burns over half his face. --A protagonist about to ride to the rescue can choose between a big ATV, a bigger ATV, and a horse. Guess which one she chooses. By Guest Columnist Maria Tatonka I’d like to get organized, but – folding socks and underwear? Really? That’s ridiculous! Can’t I just pile them in the drawer?
Yes, that would be the lazy way out, but it leads to utter chaos: underwear not sorted by color, style or width, thongs scattered among old-lady white-balloon undies – or, in extreme cases, a woman’s underwear mingled with her husband’s boxer shorts. These “undies in a bundle” will bring dishonor upon your house. You will be forced to publicly apologize to your family, your friends, your neighbors, and your dead ancestors. I tried folding my shirts and pants, but they don’t stand up properly in the drawer. You must show them who’s boss, or soon they will spark anarchy. Say: “Look here, clothes! Straighten up and lie right! Square your edges, stiffen your zippers, and get your hems together.” Conclude this lecture with a stern glance. Then shut the drawer. The next time you peek at the wayward clothes, they should be much tidier. If not, reinforce your commands with a few hard raps from a yardstick. It may seem cruel, but a quick correction now will save you and your rebellious clothing years of grief down the road. Excerpted from "Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions," available in paperback and Kindle. Click HERE to view it on Amazon. Copyright (c) 2021 by Leah Carson The Shape of Water (2017)
Rated P for preposterous Two parts “Creature from the Black Lagoon,” one part “E.T.,” this B movie makes us nostalgic for the snarky series Mystery Science Theater 3000. Tom Servo’s gang would pick it cleaner than a boardinghouse turkey. And what a turkey it is. An alien lizard-man gets hauled in during a deep-sea fishing trip…or something like that…we fell asleep at various points during the screening. The bad guys hold him captive in a wading pool. Only the humble deaf-mute cleaning woman sees past his scales to his inherent dignity. So she brings him hard-boiled eggs every day. Ah-yup. Luckily, Lizard Man’s warehouse prison is patrolled by just one inept guard, a la “Austin Powers.” The cleaning woman & friends help him escape and find him a job at Sea World. The only reason this piece of dreck won an Academy Award: two of its characters are hooked on classic black and white films. Hollywood types adore movies within movies, like chimps staring at their own reflection in a mirror. And what exactly is “the shape of water”? We’re never told, but the plot is leaky and the premise is all wet. Somebody oughta mop it up. Babel (2006)
Rated D for Dumb. Parental guidance: drug use, sunburned children, remarkably boring nudity Four absurd storylines. You be the judge of which is most contrived. (1) An American couple try to revive their floundering marriage by taking a motorcoach trip with other privileged white tourists through some godforsaken Middle Eastern desert. (2) A young goat herder with a high-powered rifle takes a pot-shot at the bus, unintentionally striking the woman – an amazing feat of marksmanship, since she’s sitting on the far side of the bus. (3) The couple’s nanny takes their kids to a family wedding in Mexico, where things go from good to not-so-good to bad to worse to oh my gawd those kids are gonna die. (4) A rebellious deaf Japanese teen acts out her angst by removing her underpants and kissing a dentist, then taking off all her clothes to seduce a police detective. And the Wasted Talent trophy goes to: The American wife played by Cate Blanchett, who bleeds a lot and pees in a makeshift bedpan. My Corona
(Tune: "My Sharona") I've always had allergies, I cough and sneeze But people now think that it's my corona Doctor says I'm virus-free, what a relief He tells me: Stop a-wastin' my time, you moaner Walking down the street makes me weak, makes me short of breath Nose starts to tingle, people givin' me the Stare of Death Ah-ah-ah-ah-ACHOOO! M-m-m-my corona M-m-m-my corona My nose turned a rosy red -- a look of dread Shows when folks recoil from my corona Never meant to freak them out, without a doubt, They treat me like a leper with walking pneumonia My face looks so feverish, there's no way to cover up I can clear a room real soon just by showing up Ah-ah-ah-ah-ACHOOO! M-m-m-my corona M-m-m-my corona (C) Copyright 2022 by Leah Carson Regarding the current international health crisis, we at Carsonmania remain focused on our own safety and comfort. The following policy changes are effective immediately.
All delivery parcels should be left at the front door. Use the 6-foot pole (provided) to ring the doorbell, then run away. Exception: recreational drugs can be delivered to the back door. If we like the way you look, we'll invite you in. Change of plans for the previously scheduled potluck dinner: we will provide all the food. Each guest must bring a roll of toilet paper. Hazmat suits and respirators will be available in the foyer. We also pledge our best efforts toward flattening the curve, as soon as we find out what that means. As we've been housebound for more than a week, our supply of reading material is dwindling. We welcome donations of new or gently-used books on World War II, home design, and home design during World War II. Romance novels, children's books, cookbooks, Danielle Steel novels, and adult coloring books are not being accepted at this time (or ever). We asked celebrity chefs what they’re serving for their own Thanksgiving dinner. To our great surprise, none of them talked about green bean casserole or that other traditional favorite, cranberry jelly straight from the can.
Here are their comments. We won’t identify which chef said what because frankly, they already get too much attention, and everybody’s selling something. “Last year I made turducken, which is a deboned duck and chicken inside a turkey. This year I’m going to top that by serving turpigpen – a turkey inside a pig. Some of my guests don’t eat pork, so there’ll be this awkward moment when we set the platter on the table, but then we’ll cut into the pig and reveal the turkey. Voila!” “Before the meal, I serve apple cider with a shot of cinnamon schnapps. I press people to have seconds and thirds, and I make the drinks stiffer on each round. A few hours later, I’ll serve Swanson Turkey Pot Pie, and they won’t even notice the difference. Why should I cook? It’s my day off.” “I’m making my signature medium-rare turkey. No matter how many guests I invite, this dish ensures plenty of leftovers.” “My favorite side dish is deep-fried Brussels sprout leaves, sauteed in rice wine with fresh garlic and vinegar. But after last year’s mass exodus to the ER, I think I’ll omit the garlic this time.” The Puberty Brothers, Season 17, Episode 3: What’s a Load-Bearing Wall?
Tired of living in the trunk of their Yugo, Marvin and Penelope dream of a Craftsman-style home with indoor plumbing. Problem is, their wish list doesn’t square with their budget of $36.75. Twin brothers Snotty Scott and Great Scott convince them to purchase a property that’s languished on the market ever since the previous owner’s boa constrictor disappeared into the heating ducts. The couple’s friends, armed with sledgehammers, are having a blast during the demolition party until the laws of physics and reptiology bring everything to a screaming halt. Pack an emergency kit with items you’ll need if stranded: blankets, food, flashlight, and a manservant who will fetch help from the nearest farmhouse.
Make sure you have four good snow tires on your vehicle. If you’re obsessive, install five or six good snow tires. Drive no faster than 20 mph over posted limits. If the rear wheels skid, steer hard to one side and step on the gas, sending your car into a spectacular spin like in the movies. Carry a bag of kitty litter in the trunk in case you decide to stop at the animal shelter and adopt a cat on the way home. If you get stuck, do not gun your wheels, which digs your car in deeper. Rather, instruct your wife to push the car from the back while you steer. Once you get going, remember to slow down long enough to let her jump in the passenger side. In icy conditions, be cautious around bridges and overpasses, where squad cars often sit with their radar turned on. Upon arriving at your destination, check beneath the car for items you picked up in snowdrifts, such as your neighbor’s mailbox. If all else fails, forego driving altogether. Quit your job, pull your kids out of school, and subsist on canned goods until mid-May. |
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