Carsonmania,Spoofbooks
I saw a great story on TV about the Winter Olympics. The bobsled teams wear rubber suits that squish their bodies and cut down on wind drag. That material would make a great girdle. I’m going to look for it next time I go to Jo-Ann Fabrics. Every year I watch the figure skating. Their costumes are gorgeous, with all those sequins and things. Even the men wear them. It kinda makes you wonder. I don’t care for the crazy young people in the snowboarding contests, when they’re doing the half pipe and the double cross and all that. I’m always afraid they’re going to land on their head and end up like my cousin Lennie. But the opening ceremony is nice, when all the countries walk into the stadium in alphabetical order – even though I usually fall asleep around the M’s. Years ago I thought maybe I could get to the Olympics as part of a curling team, until I found out it’s played on ice and doesn’t have anything to do with hair rollers. I guess that’s all I have to say about the Winter Olympics. Doing the laundry...using the dishwasher...making a meal...It's not rocket science! So post this magnet as a not-so-subtle hint to your husband, wife, roommate, kids or whatever. Heck, post a bunch of magnets all over the place. Maybe you'll get some help for a change. This high-quality 2 x 2-inch magnet is just $3.65 at my Zazzle store HERE. Meditation is a natural, easy process, which is why there are more than 50,000 self-help books on the market telling you how to do it. And then there’s medication, such as tranquilizers and pain pills. Medication can lead to addiction, death by overdose, and other unpleasant side effects. Which is better? This side-by-side comparison will help you choose. Meditation: Requires years of practice to master the technique Medication: Takes about 5 seconds to swallow Meditation: Makes you feel relaxed Medication: Convinces you you’re God Meditation: Requires discipline to focus your thoughts Medication: Requires concentration to walk straight Meditation: Works best in a quiet place with no interruptions Medication: Works anywhere, unless your probation officer is around Meditation: Makes you go ooommmmm Medication: Makes you go mmmmmmmm Excerpted from Desperately Seeking Sanity: A Spoofbook on Self-Help, just 99 cents at Amazon.com. Click HERE to see it. Prepare for the morning routine before you go to bed. Lay out your clothing and firearms; make the oatmeal; start the car. Get up 20 minutes earlier on workdays, and make your spouse get up 20 minutes early, too. Misery loves company. Plan ahead. Keep your pantry well-stocked with Marshmallow Fluff and root beer. Don’t wait until you’re down to your last postage stamp; buy more, just before the rates go up again. Keep some cyanide pills in your wallet. Don’t put up with things that don’t work right. If your windshield wipers, can opener, or kids are a constant source of irritation, fix or replace them. Allow an extra 15 minutes to get to appointments. If you’re traveling by plane, allow three extra days. For more idiotic stress-reducing tips and other B.S., check out Deperately Seeking Sanity: A Spoofbook on Self-Help, just 99 cents at Amazon.com. Click HERE to see it. --Install giant folding screen to stop polar vortex at the Canadian border. --Create 1,598 handmade-paper valentines. Send one to parole officer. --Climb Everest. Leave dried flower arrangement at summit. --Spread ice-melting chemicals on Washington-to-New York corridor. --Make quinoa / grapefruit / phyllo dough appetizers for ticketholders at Super Bowl XLVIII in New Jersey. --Transplant mature giant sequoias from Yosemite to my farm yard. --Dig root cellar. Fill with roots. --Forge blade to use in preparing steel-cut oats for breakfast. --Refurbish nicks and scratches on all furniture at Versailles. --Serve as advisor to God re: plans for the Second Coming. 1. Never go to bed angry, especially with someone other than your spouse. 2. Be very clear about who does what. For instance, a husband might tell his wife: “You take care of the kids, shop for groceries, cook, clean, and pay the bills. I’ll take out the garbage once a week.” Conversely, the wife could say to her husband: “You earn the money, and I’ll spend it.” 3. A mutual enemy can draw you closer together. Find a politician, celebrity or neighbor you both hate. Carp about them constantly. 4. Invest in two pairs of wireless headphones. She wears hers when he’s watching televised sports she can’t stand. He wears his the rest of the time. 5. Trying novel experiences as a couple increases the production of positive brain neurochemicals. So go ahead – travel to Pamplona for the running of the bulls, or go bungee jumping off a bridge. If you survive, your marriage will thrive. 6. Show respect for your partner by keeping up your appearance, even when you’re just hanging around the house. Wear pants. Cover your belly. Make sure your shirt has been washed at least once in the last month. 7. Keep the romance alive: hang a pair of handcuffs from the bedpost. 8. Your spouse isn’t a mind reader, so be specific about your wants and needs. “Honey, for my birthday I’d like a Craftsman 3-Gallon Horizontal Air Compressor with the hose and accessory kit.” Or maybe: “I have a splitting headache right now. Would you please take the kids to the mall and leave them there forever?” 9. Modern life puts exhausting demands on everyone, so be sure to schedule some downtime during which you can both pass out in front of the TV. 10. Don’t sweat the small stuff. So what if she totaled the car? So what if he lost the kids’ college fund gambling at the casino? You still love each other, right? Right?! For more insanely useful lifestyle tips, check out Leah Carson's new 99-cent ebook Desperately Seeking Sanity: A Spoofbook on Self-Help, available HERE. Puppy Include food and water in the box, along with some chew toys to cut down on whining. Also, don’t plan on reusing the box, ever, for anything. You’ll see what we mean on Christmas morning. Limberger cheese Use only a USDA-approved double-lined container with AromaLock™ seal. File an environmental impact statement for the date on which the package will be opened. Seaweed Soak thoroughly to remove sand and salt; then hang upside down to dry. Pack in cardboard container. Helicopter Traditionally, this gift makes a surprise landing in the back yard. Wrapping is not recommended. Microbes Since these are, by definition, too small to be seen with the unaided eye, always include a microscope in the package. Backyard pond If your pond installation crew is really, really quick, they might be able to get this in the ground while your recipient is out shopping. Then, just cover the hole with a white or green bed sheet (depending on whether there’s snow on the ground) until Christmas. Meteorites Pack individually for easier lifting. After all, even a one-foot meteorite weighs about 200 pounds. Pimientos Just leave them in the olives, packed in the jar. Do we have to tell you everything? In France, children wait in vain for gifts from Pere Noel, who’s usually on strike in December.
Papai Noel is the gift-bringer of Brazil. Legend says he lives in Greenland, and by the time he arrives in steamy Sao Paulo, he has stripped down to a Speedo. Children in China await the arrival of Dun Che Lao Ren (“Christmas Old Man”), who brings toys made with lead. Children in Denmark leave out saucers of milk and rice pudding for Julemanden and are delighted to find them gone in the morning, since dairy products would turn sour by then anyway. The Japanese mythical figure of Hoteiosho closely resembles our Santa Claus, but his workshop manufacturing techniques are so efficient that all the toys have been finished by April. In Sweden, the “tomte” gnome emerges from his hiding place under the floor and asks if he can use the bathroom. Norway’s gift-bearing gnome, Julebukk, resembles a goat and is capable of eating the Christmas tree and all the ornaments when nobody’s looking. Have Yourself a Meowy Little Christmas (Tune: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”) Have yourself a meowy little Christmas Check your hair for mites Climb that tree; get tangled up in Christmas lights Have yourself a meowy little Christmas Lie around all day Lick your paws ‘til all the fur is scraped away You’re the star, and those humans there Give you care but they’re such bores Make their dresser your litter box Leaving poop on socks in drawers Scratch the chairs, and claw the eyes of Rover Eat a tinsel’d bough Crash the tree at midnight with a shrieking yowl And have yourself a meowy little Christmas now --Vacation at a Caribbean island from November 15 through January 30. --Carry a squirt gun filled with vinegar. Whenever someone asks “Are you ready for Christmas yet?”, let ’em have it. --Consider dropping some timeworn activities, like sending cards or trimming the tree, in favor of new activities like buying a Harley. --Send your children abroad. --Practice saying “no” to things others ask you to do, such as – well, just about everything. --Delve into sacred holiday traditions: hot buttered rum, spiked eggnog, Tom & Jerrys, the wassail bowl, Irish coffee, mulled wine, and Grandpa’s Wapatoolie Punch. |
CarsonmaniaBlogI hope you weren't expecting anything profound. If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
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