It's house-haunting season

October is a great time for raking leaves, taking hayrides, and hiring a paranormal investigator to check whether your house is haunted.

Don’t think you can handle this yourself. Unless you’re really paranoid, you’ll probably miss many clues that confirm “haunted” status.

For instance, when slime mysteriously appears on countertops, many people assume that someone in the household was doing Jell-O shots. It takes a trained P.I. to identify this as ghost residue.

Or let’s say your dog starts barking at unseen things. Your P.I. realizes the dog senses a spirit presence. Never mind that your dog barks 90 percent of the time, at things both seen and unseen.

Other signs of haunting you may have overlooked:
--Cold spots in some rooms have nothing to do with furniture blocking heating vents. They’re a sure sign that dead people are living rent-free in your home.
--Midnight scratching and rustling might not be mice, as you thought, but something else. Ooooh. And you’re better off knowing exactly what else before it hacks you to pieces some night. 
--Odd feelings like headaches and static should never be passed off as normal byproducts of dry indoor air due to the furnace kicking in. These are indications that spirits are sucking the breath from your lungs.
--After declaring that your house is haunted, the P.I. will recommend a plan of action that corresponds to (1) how badly it’s haunted, and (2) whether the P.I. needs extra cash to buy a snowmobile this winter.

If the ghosts in your house are merely slamming doors or tickling the back of your neck, you might get by with an Exorcism Lite package. But expect to pony up for a full-fledged de-ghosting if you’ve experienced any of the following serious signs.
--Portraits on the wall follow you with their eyes, especially when you’re undressing
--Your keepsakes (e.g., the bumblebee pin) turn up at a neighborhood pawn shop
--A headless man drives a lawn tractor through your living room
--A teenager’s room suddenly becomes ultra-clean and tidy 
--Strange voices mumble, scream, and demand that you turn up the thermostat 
--Fire breaks out in your underwear drawer
--YooHoo Chocolate Drink gushes out of bathroom faucets
--Your toaster picks up ghost broadcasts of the theme song from “Branded” 

---