How to avoid being eaten by a shark

The past several weeks have seen three shark attacks in a two-mile-square area of coastal North Carolina. It’s your civic duty to panic over this. At Carsonmania, we know a bandwagon when we see one, so here’s our list of helpful hints.

To avoid shark attack:

Move to New Mexico.

For extra safety, stay away from wave pools – especially if there’s chum in the water and a grizzled sailor singing “Show Me the Way To Go Home.”

Be aware of land sharks. Don’t open your front door to someone you don’t know, especially if he announces: “Candygram!”

If you insist on swimming in the ocean, go with a buddy who is fatter and slower than you are.

Swimming in a group is another good precaution. A group of, say, 1 million should do it – like the Hindu pilgrims in the Ganges.

Keep an eye on the swimming patterns of other fish. If they start frantically leaping 20 feet into the air, you should too.

Sharks are naturally drawn to the splashes of a dog paddling in the water. Teach your dog to do the breast stroke or the Australian crawl.

Uneven skin colors may fool sharks into thinking you’re a multi-colored fish, so don’t swim if you’ve got a farmer tan.

The Florida Museum of Natural History advises: “Don’t go into waters containing sewage.” We second that emotion.