Sorry your dog's anal sacs need expressing Either you do it yourself -- echhh! -- or you pay the vet to do it. In either case, this deserves a $3.99 card.
Sorry you got called for jury duty Yes, it's a civic duty and a privilege in a free society, blah blah blah. With luck, you'll spend the day waiting at the courthouse and never get chosen for a trial. In the meantime, you can look at a card from someone who feels your pain.
Sorry you ruined a priceless glass bowl while trying to make peanut brittle with a dumb recipe you found online Granted, maybe this card has a potential audience of one (that would be me). But I would be really impressed.
Sorry your septic system needs emptying This needs to be done every other year (in Wisconsin, anyway), which guarantees repeat business for the greeting card company.
Sorry your team stinks Whether the recipient is an NFL fan or merely a parent suffering through an offspring's losing soccer season, this card can ease the sting. Bonus: musical cards that play the team song.