Carsonmania,Spoofbooks
In France, children wait in vain for gifts from Pere Noel, who’s usually on strike in December.
Papai Noel is the gift-bringer of Brazil. Legend says he lives in icy Greenland, and by the time he arrives in steamy Sao Paulo, he has stripped down to a Speedo. Children in China await the arrival of Dun Che Lao Ren (“Christmas Old Man”), who brings toys made with lead. Children in Denmark leave out saucers of milk and rice pudding for Julemanden and are delighted to find them gone in the morning, since these dairy products would have soured by then anyway. The Japanese mythical figure of Hoteiosho closely resembles our Santa Claus, but his workshop manufacturing techniques are so efficient that all the toys have been finished by April. In Sweden, the “tomte” gnome emerges from his hiding place under the floor and asks if he can use the bathroom. Norway’s gift-bearing gnome, Julebukk, resembles a goat and is capable of eating the Christmas tree and all the ornaments when nobody’s looking. Puppy Include food and water in the box, along with some chew toys to cut down on whining. Also, don’t plan on reusing the box, ever, for anything. You’ll see what we mean on Christmas morning.
Limberger cheese Use only a USDA-approved double-lined container with AromaLock™ seal. File an environmental impact statement for the date on which the package will be opened. Seaweed Soak thoroughly to remove sand and salt; then hang upside down to dry. Pack in cardboard container. Helicopter Traditionally, this gift makes a surprise landing in the back yard. Wrapping is not recommended. Microbes Since these are, by definition, too small to be seen with the unaided eye, always include a microscope in the package. Backyard pond If your pond installation crew is really, really quick, they might be able to get this in the ground while your recipient is out shopping. Then, just cover the hole with a white or green bedsheet (depending on whether there’s snow on the ground) until Christmas. Meteorites Pack individually for easier lifting. After all, even a one-foot meteorite weighs about 200 pounds. Pimientos Just leave them in the olives, packed in the jar. Do we have to tell you everything? Winter Underpants (Tune: "Winter Wonderland")
In the town, there’s a rumor You’ve been seen wearing bloomers You think you’re so bold Braving the cold Walking in your winter underpants Gone away is your thong now In its place, something long now An extra-large size That’s several yards wide Walking in your winter underpants In the front’s a big elastic panel Trying hard to hold your saggy gut All the rest is yards of cotton flannel That tends to draw attention to your butt Every day, when you’re walking, Passersby will be gawking We won’t say a thing We’re praying for spring When you’ll store your winter underpants |
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