Puppy  Include food and water in the box, along with some chew toys to cut down on whining. Also, don’t plan on reusing the box, ever, for anything. You’ll see what we mean on Christmas morning.
Limberger cheese  Use only a USDA-approved double-lined container with AromaLock™ seal. File an environmental impact statement for the date on which the package will be opened. 
Seaweed  Soak thoroughly to remove sand and salt; then hang upside down to dry. Pack in cardboard container.
Helicopter  Traditionally, this gift makes a surprise landing in the back yard. Wrapping is not recommended. 
Microbes  Since these are, by definition, too small to be seen with the unaided eye, always include a microscope in the package.
Backyard pond  If your pond installation crew is really, really quick, they might be able to get this in the ground while your recipient is out shopping. Then, just cover the hole with a white or green bed sheet (depending on whether there’s snow on the ground) until Christmas.
Meteorites  Pack individually for easier lifting. After all, even a one-foot meteorite weighs about 200 pounds.
Pimientos  Just leave them in the olives, packed in the jar. Do we have to tell you everything?

In France, children wait in vain for gifts from Pere Noel, who’s usually on strike in December.

Papai Noel is the gift-bringer of Brazil. Legend says he lives in Greenland, and by the time he arrives in steamy Sao Paulo, he has stripped down to a Speedo.

Children in China await the arrival of Dun Che Lao Ren (“Christmas Old Man”), who brings toys made with lead.

Children in Denmark leave out saucers of milk and rice pudding for Julemanden and are delighted to find them gone in the morning, since dairy products would turn sour by then anyway.

The Japanese mythical figure of Hoteiosho closely resembles our Santa Claus, but his workshop manufacturing techniques are so efficient that all the toys have been finished by April. 

In Sweden, the “tomte” gnome emerges from his hiding place under the floor and asks if he can use the bathroom.

Norway’s gift-bearing gnome, Julebukk, resembles a goat and is capable of eating the Christmas tree and all the ornaments when nobody’s looking. 

Have Yourself a Meowy Little Christmas
(Tune: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”)
Have yourself a meowy little Christmas
Check your hair for mites
Climb that tree; get tangled up in Christmas lights
Have yourself a meowy little Christmas
Lie around all day
Lick your paws ‘til all the fur is scraped away

You’re the star, and those humans there
Give you care but they’re such bores
Make their dresser your litter box
Leaving poop on socks in drawers

Scratch the chairs, and claw the eyes of Rover
Eat a tinsel’d bough
Crash the tree at midnight with a shrieking yowl
And have yourself a meowy little Christmas now

--Vacation at a Caribbean island from November 15 through January 30.
--Carry a squirt gun filled with vinegar. Whenever someone asks “Are you ready for Christmas yet?”, let ’em have it.
--Consider dropping some timeworn activities, like sending cards or trimming the tree, in favor of new activities like buying a Harley.
--Send your children abroad.
--Practice saying “no” to things others ask you to do, such as – well, just about everything.
--Delve into sacred holiday traditions: hot buttered rum, spiked eggnog, Tom & Jerrys, the wassail bowl, Irish coffee, mulled wine, and Grandpa’s Wapatoolie Punch.

(Green Lake WI ) -- An underground coal mine that was stolen from eastern Kentucky has been found submerged in Green Lake in south-central Wisconsin, authorities announced today.

The coal mine had been missing since November 18, when miners reporting for work discovered that the mine entrance and cage elevator were gone. A handwritten message nailed to a nearby tree read “The mine is MINE.” Further investigation showed that the main mineshaft and smaller offshoots had also been taken.

According to Green Lake Sheriff George Stickle, the lake’s 237-foot depth makes it an ideal depository for stolen goods. In this case, ice fishermen discovered the mine after netting walleye and perch suffering from black-lung disease. 

Experts agree that if you haven’t finished your Christmas/Hanukkah preparations by Thanksgiving, you might as well give up.
Whereas Thanksgiving used to be the official starting gun for year-end holidays, the deadline occurs earlier each year. Currently, Independence Day is the new Thanksgiving.
To get a handle on the winter holidays, follow these guidelines.
February: Buy supplies for handmade ornaments and wreaths. Revise Christmas card list. Order fruitcake.
April: Bake and freeze cookies. Begin buying gifts.
May: Finish last-minute shopping.
June: Make place cards for dinner table. Create gingerbread house.
July: Place holiday ham in oven. Hang stockings on mantle. Take kids to mall to see Santa.
August: Explain to kids why Santa’s not here yet.
September: (See August.)
October: (See August.)
November: (See August.)
December 1-24: (See August.)